I don`t know how your husband would react but it if it were me and I knew about this I would expect you to choose. I would prefer you to choose me but I would rather you choose the other man than to continue going on like this.

Dear curious soul:

Reality is we live, most of us, anyway, in a society where marriage between one man and one woman is the socially accepted form, a certain emotional intimacy and all sexual intimacy is accepted to be exclusive to marriage. If such exclusivity is agreed by the two parties when getting married, then when one party breaks that exclusivity, it is a betrayal of the other partner.

It is possible for any of the partners to the marriage to develop emotional and/ or sexual feelings to others, but the socially accepted and expected norm is to not engage in such emotional/sexual interactions with anyone outside the marriage.

The above two paragraphs is reality not specific to your case. In your case, the specific reality (in addition to the general reality above) may be the following: your strong motivation to NOT LOSE the guy friend’s love for you. This motivation would have existed if you weren’t married to another man, and it exists the same way regardless of you being married.

The motivation is to not lose love, but to keep it. This motivation is so strong, at least at the beginning of your thread, that every other consideration dwarfs in comparison, specifically how it would affect your husband if he finds out.

Why is this motivation so strong, I ask myself. Maybe the answer is that as a child love was scarce, not readily available to you. Maybe you were like a child in the desert, no water around, and you are thirsty. You wonder in the desert, the sun intense and you get thirstier and thirstier, and there it is! A stream of fresh, cool water. Of course, you drink as much as you can and it feels so very good. From that point on, every time you see a stream of fresh, cool water (love), you have to, HAVE TO drink it because it still feels like the only water you may ever have.

Any truth to my newer theory?

anita

Hello,

My advice would be to go with your heart. It may not be rational or logical but it is the thing that you will be happiest with at the end of the day. This does not mean hurt your husband intentionally or see the other guy behind his back as it will just eat at you having to live with the secret of betrayal. Deep down you know the answer. You have something to lose if you pick either and you will have to pick one or the other- it is not fair on either of them to have both- just try and listen to yourself so that you are happy with your decision. Like suggested above feelings are feelings and we cant help them, but behaviours we can and you need to choose the person you believe will make you the happiest down the line. I appreciate you aren’t comparing the same thing as you have been with your husband a long while so it is different with the other person but deep down you already know the answer in terms of who you love more, Then I would suggest you should consider: is this a healthy love? Does the person you love more right now have my best interests at heart? and can you see a future with the person you love more?

I think after a romantic relationship (at least in my experience) it is difficult to stay friends as you aren’t really truly friends there are always feelings there at one side or another. Your husband sounds lovely and it sounds like you get on well with him- perhaps you and him just got a bit stuck in a rut and need to re-connect. OR you could think about either your husband or the other guy marrying someone else and see how that makes you feel. Im guessing you will have a stronger reaction for one or the other and that shows you where your feelings currently lie.

I appreciate this is a hard situation to be in. Nothing feels more natural than love. If you feel like you would regret not making it work with this other guy then I would say perhaps go for that, but if you cant bear the thought of losing your husband then perhaps he is the one. It is hard to sort it out I can appreciate as you are not comparing apples with apples when thinking of the two people. Many people perhaps in your life perhaps have their view on what you should do, but again you need to be happy with your decision so just try to go with what YOU think, and try not to let anyone else influence you, least of all this other person, friends or family.