Thank you for your advice Selkie. You articulated so well the thoughts that have passed through my mind. And I love that Maya Angelou quote, having contemplated it recently seeing as it relates to my experience.  I feel like I need validation on my beliefs about this guy before I make my next move, all the while knowing I need to work on believing my first instincts about other people’s characters and following through on my own convictions.

I find him sketchy not only because he follows thousands of females on Instagram or Facebook, but because he has women far younger than him on his social media accounts. Some look to be barely 18 or 19 years old! And in a sense, at that age, they are just young girls and not mature women. I can’t help but think why is a guy in his 40s acting like this for? And why on earth am I so attached to him despite all the shady signs he gives off?

It would seem he really has an emotional hold over me, and I lose the ability to be rational wherever he is concerned, even though I can see how his words don’t always match up with appropriate action, and he displays a character sorely lacking in integrity. I definitely lowered my standards to allow him back into my life and know I need to raise the bar again, since he is not treating me with respect. I can see that the connection between us is on shaky, uneven ground and he is calling the shots. I just find that he validates me in a way that no one else has, with all the nice things he says about me (when he is not ignoring me!), and the strong attraction I feel for him. I am attached to him and reluctant to let that validation go. It’s painful, as I do really care for him and feel a strong tie, probably because we were childhood school friends and come from similar backgrounds of experiencing family violence in the home. In a weird way, I see a part reflection of myself in him, although he is no longer the innocent school boy I remember.

He does come from a troubled past, but I thought he was making strides in the right direction to improve his lot in life. Sadly, this episode has proven to me that his behaviour relating to communication and appropriate socialisation with females has not changed from what I previously saw.

I guess the important question I need to address now is, do I cut my tie with him on Facebook, and if so, do I tell him why, or do I just exit without explanation? Does he even deserve to hear from me again after I let him back into my life a second time and he chose to blow it?

I am driving myself crazy second-guessing every scenario that might play out when I unfriend him, and how best to proceed to minimise the hurt that my heart has already taken. I am trying to fortify myself for that unfriending moment, which I fear is the only sane option now. It breaks my heart, because it means that there can be no further chances given to him and that scares me. I missed him so much the last time I unfriended him and dread having to slam the door shut for good this time.

Thank you.

Hi Airene,

Thank you. You are right. Truth is, I am hoping to make a bold statement when unfriending him in a last-ditch effort to resurrect a failing connection and see if he cares enough to react and make amends. But the thought of unfriending terrifies me. The last time I unfriended him I sent him a nice message of closure, which he just accepted willingly, hardly said a word in response, and sent me a ‘thumbs up’, which incensed me! The ‘thumbs up’ picture he sent made me lash out at him, as it showed how casual he was, and that he would not apologise or fight to keep me in his life. 🙁

When he spoke to me again after our second FB friending, he said that he was hurt when I unfriended him, because he had felt a connection and then in his words, I has ‘bailed on him’. He said he didn’t want to get emotional over it back then, and didn’t want to hate me for it, because he didn’t think I was a deliberately hurtful person. He did apologise saying he would never intentionally hurt me. Thinking about this now, I just don’t know what to believe, or if any of it even matters anymore, because nothing connection-wise seems to have improved.

I have unfollowed him on FB and am contemplating changing his access to my profile to a restricted view. I figure why should he have the right to view my personal content, when he doesn’t even make any effort to communicate with me anymore, other than by using lazy ‘likes’ sprinkled here and there, in-between ogling other women’s bikini photos!! Some of those women are attainable too, and live in the same location as him, so it is not just gorgeous models he follows, who wouldn’t give him the time of day. The available ladies are the threat to our connection, and he is choosing to pay attention to all these other women over advancing anything more with me. 🙁 It’s so weird that a guy would do this after they tell you they are attracted to you, but I suppose that is how the mind of a ‘player’ who is looking for no-strings attached works?

I like your idea of giving it time to settle, then quietly unfriending him in a few months. I think I will follow that idea, but maybe aim to unfriend him a little sooner.

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Dee. Reason: Additional information
• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Dee. Reason: Typo

Thank you Anita, Ben, and John.

The post that was intended to provide an opposing view certainly made me pause and consider the situation further.

The question whether he already knew a bit about me: no, he knows very little about my adult life, nor in the time I have kept in touch with him online has he ever tried to get to know me better, other than asking in our last message exchange if I have been with many other guys. We have not seen each other in-person since we were kids, so the constant one-sided conversation from him struck me as unusual and self-centred. No balanced, give and take communication was occurring.

When he asked to meet with me, I was not rude about turning his request down. I did ask him nicely to be patient with me, and agreed that I would love to meet him at a future point. I was buying time, and did not want to rush into any real world contact, as it was literally put on me that he would be in town several days after we talked about liking each other, and after he told me he would like to get physical with me! I was still digesting that significant confession and it was definitely a lot to process!

Despite turning his request down to meet, I would like to think there is no room for confusion in his mind that I am interested, seeing as I told him directly I fancied and valued him, and wanted to meet in-person someday.  As much as I badly may have wanted to sleep with him too, I wasn’t going to put myself in a position where we had sex so soon before even really knowing much about each other. I would have only gotten more attached to him, and been devastated when he left town and distanced himself from me like he seems to be doing now. At least I suppose I spared myself even deeper emotional grief by having the sense to temper the pace of his sexual interest in me.

I did/do enjoy attention from him, but I guess my expectations are at odds with his, as some posters have rightfully pointed out. I care about him and want him to be a better man who wants just one girl: me! I can’t compete with a gazillion other girls on his radar. And  I understand guys who thrive on ego boosts from many women paying them attention will seldom give that type of activity up.

I wanted to be the one he gives all these other girls up for, but can see I am kidding myself with that irrational expectation (love is not rational). I most definitely don’t want to be the backburner girl, which is the only sign he is giving me now. 🙁

As for the ‘sketchy’ definition, for a number of reasons I see this behaviour in him, and not just to do with his questionable adding of women who are strangers to his social media accounts. For one, he never addresses certain questions I put to him. For example, he got fired from a job last year, which he claimed wasn’t his fault. I questioned what exactly happened, but he never explained himself. I also asked if he seriously meant what he said about fancying me. Again, I was met with no answer from him, which seemed weird.  When someone you are interested in doesn’t respond to what I thought were legitimate questions, it surely indicates something is being hidden? He adds very young girls and dubious characters to his social media accounts and has multiple accounts, which resemble a sleazy harem! It is insulting to me as his real-world school friend who has only ever had good intentions with him, to be sandwiched in amongst  these sorts of people! And last but by no means least, I find him sketchy because he ‘likes’ and pays attention to other females, after telling me he fancies me and has had almost like a crush on me (whatever “almost like a crush” means?). That is upside-down logic to my mind and extremely arrogant to think I will stand by lovestruck, waiting until he is finished showering attention on other women!

If he is too busy ogling other females, when will he have the time and energy to get to know me better? He clearly makes time for other females, but has no time to talk to me and has let things stall. I don’t want only a virtual connection based on shallow ‘likes’. This is quite central to my problem with him. As a man he is not stepping up and pursuing me, and is easily distracted by the online temptation scores of other women provide. I would have thought if he truly cared for me and meant what he said, he would leave no doubt in my mind that he is keen on me?

Thank you to all of you who have helped  encourage me to see the cold, hard truth of the situation. It has helped me immensely  reading other views and verbalising my own thoughts on the matter. Good luck to you John if you end up back in the dating arena! 🙂 I understand that for decent men it is a scary new world out there with the possibility of misinterpretation and sexual harassment at the fore.

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Dee. Reason: Formatting problem

Michelle,

I just did that. I have deleted him from my Facebook profile. What prompted my sudden decision to just go ahead and do it was that I noticed he’d posted this quote: “The biggest lesson I learned this year is to not force anything; conversations, friendships, relationships, attention, love. Anything forced is just not worth fighting for, whatever flows flows, what crashes crashes. It is what it is.”

I don’t know if that post was personally directed at me, but nevertheless it is a huge slap in the face and kick in the stomach! That post just makes him seem so full of himself and his own self-importance. The nerve of him!!

He made minimal effort towards building our friendship, and consciously chose to interact with other women over connecting in a genuine manner with me. He never stepped up and I was the one having to initiate the conversations. If I never contacted him, there would be no communication with him other than FB ‘likes’ here or there. I am so angry and hurt right now that I can’t even think straight. You just don’t realise how much crappy behaviour you tolerate from others in order to keep the peace.

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Dee.