June 4, 2019 at 5:42 pm #297405
I have been meditating for a whole year, I have been seeing a therapist for the 3 months and I have been going to the gym and exercising almost everyday for the past month and a half in an attempt to beat depression and anxiety. But when I reflect my state of mind I feel like I’m the same I was just a year ago, still depressed, still feeling tired with life and just feeling like it’s not worth it. I feel weird around my friends, i don’t know what to do with myself or act anymore. I don’t feel like communicating with my family and feel like I cant hold a conversation. My almost only moments of bliss is when I am in front a computer or tv screen and do not need to listen to my thoughts.
Maybe im just feeling low at the moment and my improvement is unclear, but I know that I still feel weird about life.
One of my other theories is that all my insecurities, my bad habits and my low self-esteem that have been attached to me since starting middle school where subconscious and they are all clear now that I have been meditating. So I dont know what to do with myself anymore.
Any tips of what I should do?
I am going to continue to exercise and meditate almost daily, are there any other habits, rituals that could help me?
I really want to become the best I can become which is probably also the reason I am depressed because I am far from that goal, but I feel like building a strong self-esteem is the only way I will be able to truly enjoy life and experience things to the fullest.June 5, 2019 at 8:56 am #297431
The problem may be this: we are used to tasks being done from point A to point Z in a day, let’s say, done and completed. The task of getting emotionally healthy is not that kind of task. It takes so much time, so much work and all through, you still feel anxious and depressed. So when you do, you say to yourself: it is not working! I failed the task, task aborted, unsuccessful! So we give up. It is as if we expect, once we do feel better, to always feel better from now on, task completed and done.
So we feel better, then we feel badly again- and this is where a lot of people give up, not understanding the nature of this particular task: emotional healing.
It is when you feel awkward, and in your head, and worrying about your nose again or about what people are thinking about you, or if they forgot you are even there and so on and on… at those moments, focus on healing. These moments are not regression, they are progress if you attend to those moments when they happen and continue the healing during those moments.
anitaJune 5, 2019 at 9:53 am #297443
The first noble truth – We Suffer – Life is the sacrifice of life and when we deny that reality, fight that reality and or try to fix it we suffer. Most of the suffering we experience we create based on our thoughts about that reality and unwillingness to engage with life as it is. When we say Yes to that reality, we still suffer only we are less likely to attach our sense of self to that suffering. The suffering flows through us vice getting bottled up and clung to.
We work for that which no work is required.
You hinted at a realisation that you need to develop a health self esteem. I agree as It takes a healthy sense of self (ego) to let go of the ego and the suffering that arises when we attach our sense of ‘I’ as being the ego. (The ego remains the medium through which you experience life, we do not negate the ego as if it was ‘bad’ and had to be killed off which is the cause of much suffering. Instead we learn to detach our sense of ‘I’ as being the ego. You, (the Self), are not your ego, you are not your thoughts, you are not your mind, your body… you are not your experiences… The ego is both the challenge to be overcome and the medium through which we awaken… )
The work requires taking responsibility for our ability to nurturer ourselves as well as protecting ourselves by having healthy boundaries. Confronting our shadow by getting honest about our best and worst aspects… And then the most difficult coming to terms with duality – the problem of opposites…
There are many forms of meditation – which is it you practice? The purpose of practice is so that when we get up to play the game the skills we have are in our muscle memory. We act, we play, we are, without having to think about them. Its odd how it never occurs to people that have a meditation practice allow it when Life is engaging them. Stilling still and calm by a peaceful river for 30 min is all well and good but the practice shows itself when we find ourselves cought in the current of that river.June 7, 2019 at 1:18 am #297771
Congratulations for putting in great effort to improve yourself, understand you are disappointed in the results you see, disappointed that you still feel weird. The thing is, like Anita says, good physical & emotional health and healthy self-esteem don’t eliminate feeling weird or depressed – these feelings still happen same way good and bad things will happen through life. But they do give you strength/resilience in dealing with them and improve your ability to recognise and process thoughts differently, being able to see them as a temporary feeling, a temporary thought – not an absolute truth about us as a person, something to be considered and acted upon only if needed.
Trying to ignore thoughts and feelings only empowers them more – it’s like telling someone not to think about elephants and ofcourse the first thing in that person’s mind is an all-singing, all-dancing elephant! What thoughts are you trying to ignore when you calm your mind through the TV/computer? Do you think they are true? For example, it is different to say I am currently feeling depressed to saying I am depressed. The first recognises it as the truth, a temporary state of feeling which will pass with time. And as you practice reviewing your thoughts and feelings in such a way, not ignoring them but not blindly accepting them, it gets easier and quicker to work out the underlying driver of them. Often it is old-standing insecurities or fears that once identified, can be worked through.