November 22, 2015 at 6:34 pm #88143AnonymousGuest
Yours is interesting as well. What an interesting topic. Reasons people work or over work. Being paid for one’s time, I remember that being my motive. My life didn’t make sense but better being paid for my senseless time than not, was my thinking.
Habit, big reason. Some people may think it is a big deal that I walk the 3.5 mile loop but it is easier for me to walk that loop, rain or shine, because NOT walking is distressful to me. I walk so to not get distressed.
The payoffs of over working- maybe I will come back to this tomorrow morning when my brain is fresh.
anitaNovember 24, 2015 at 10:16 am #88231nickventureParticipant
you don’t have to be completely transparent to be completely authentic.November 24, 2015 at 2:36 pm #88239
re completely tranparent
I guess that is my wrong assumption thenNovember 24, 2015 at 2:58 pm #88241JenniferParticipant
Wow, quite a stir here Jack! Lately, I’ve found myself addicted to TinyBuddha…so I’ve been trying not to go online everyday hahaa 😀
In my short 10 years of working the corporate world…from small firms to large public corporations, I think you can be authentic without disclosing everything. There is the concept of “right speech” in zen. I think there is always a right time and right place to say something. You don’t have to tell everyone everything. Some stuff is left to just tell your boss or just your staff, or neither.
I was a workaholic. It is awful that society promotes it. I was hardly at home for dinner, my work spilled into my weekends, my then-boyfriend broke up with me because I was “overly ambitious”. I learned the hard way.
I’d say share to the extent that you are comfortable. People will feel your genuineness if you speak from the heart.November 24, 2015 at 6:52 pm #88252AnonymousGuest
* Dear Jennifer/ Jack: disclosing everything is insanity, isn’t it? Disclosing absolutely everything to one person would mean that the discloser will talk non stop, as fast as his thinking and feeling. This is not authentic, it is impossible.
My rule is that what I disclose is my truth, 100%. what I do not disclose is my business.
I used to disclose a lot, as if I owed it to others. As if others had the right to know what i was thinking at any one time. Nope.
anitaNovember 24, 2015 at 10:32 pm #88261
Ok here’s a scenario then
you have just started at a company/NGO and there is a meeting on your first day. You are expected to introduce yourself and you are encouraged to talk about what you were doing before you started there. a short summary of your career, so as the rest of the staff have an idea of who you are.
(in this case you don’t want to let the others know that you have been a teacher for most of that time)November 25, 2015 at 7:48 am #88270AnonymousGuest
This is for me, this scenario? I don’t know what an NGO, but don’t particularly care to know. Anyway, what you are suggesting is an exercise for me, to introduce myself on my first day at a company. A short summary- well, what is my position there, this is very important. Am i the one preparing coffee for everyone (is there such a job…I don’t think so) or what is my position. Let’s say I am there doing customer service kind of work, taking emails or calls from customers and processing their requests, computer work, eight hours a day. Sitting in front of the computer and sometimes talking to customers on the phone and giving reports daily on what I am doing.
Okay:my name is anita. This is my first day here and I am excited to be employed after being out of paying work for so long, five years to be exact. I feel bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning, sitting here with all of you lovely people. I can hardly contain myself, being on my first day at my new job working with people. (Looking around, making eye contact with everyone). Before my long period on unemployment I held various jobs in customer service, many of which no longer exist, such as a switch telephone operator, that I was and am here to tell about it (wait for possible laughter). If you have any questions for me (looking around, eye contact)- please ask me and I will be more than happy to answer!”
By the way, I am not making up the enthusiasm, not being a fake. i imagine I am sitting at a table with coffee and donuts and am overly caffeinated and sugared.
anitaNovember 25, 2015 at 12:25 pm #88280
it’s very authentic anita, very you and I can just imagine you doing it.
You made the part sound where you were unemployed for 5 years, to your advantage. For me, I’d be afraid to admit such a thing because they might think “oh he’s desperate then, he’ll do anything we ask to keep his job”. It’s debatable whether such transparency is good for you in the long run.November 25, 2015 at 1:55 pm #88286AnonymousGuest
“…whether such transparency is goof for you in the long run.” The thing is you keep the work of being assertive and show self respect and self value again and again and again. So it wouldn’t be JUST in that meeting, what said in the meeting so crucial on he long run because your input will continue… on the long run. It is not a one time deal. My idea is that you express to others that you value yourself, that you are NOT ashamed of yourself and not afraid of them, every day! And you don’t have to wait for a first day meeting to start this practice. Here is one such place! Every day, today and tomorrow, you practice and practice anywhere and everywhere so it becomes a second nature to… be on your on side, have your best interest in heart
Maybe over time remove those not so on your side inner selves to the second nature and the one ON YOUR SIDE bump up to first nature…
To let you know, jack, how influencial in my life your IST is, during today’s walk I talked to myself about Fran, Tammy and Caroline who are not on my side and wished them ill! That is without thinking about you or about writing this to you. In real life, outside this forum, I adapted IST into my thinking!
Thank you for that!
anitaNovember 25, 2015 at 2:02 pm #88287AnonymousGuest
More: about what they may think, the concern you expressed above: one can never, ever control what others think, really cannot, especially not what they think after just one time thing that you said. This is why repetition is necessary. Again and again you voice self value and respect. Sometime you will say something you regret but it will shrink in the context of all the things you say day in and day out. It is the persistence of expression.
Time for you and me (if I may be so bold..?) to stop reactivity to our own fear be the MO in our lives. It did NOT work so far, why would it work in the future.
No need to be ashamed. You never know WHO it is whose thoughts and opinions you care so much about. Focus on being authentic (topic of this thread) yourself instead of what others may think. Got all to gain and nothing to lose, says I.
anitaNovember 25, 2015 at 5:37 pm #88289
OK what you say makes a lot of sense. And I’ve taken it to heart so don’t worry. Thanks.
But I’m still stuck on defending my original premise; that is: that transparency at work can get you in trouble. My colleagues made fun of me because I was an ex-teacher doing a menial job. if I hadn’t told them I was an ex-teacher, I could’ve avoided such teasing.November 25, 2015 at 5:46 pm #88290AnonymousGuest
What if your transparency about having been a teacher was not the cause of them teasing you? What if they would have found something else to tease you about if you didn’t hand them the teaching thing? What if they were teasing you behind your back, as in gossip, regarding other topics?
It could be that they tease people, anyone; could be that they teased you because you seemed nervous or awkward and … they felt like teasing you… ?
Think about it… the teasing and the teaching could be connected only in a random kind of way, it so happened kind of way.?
anitaNovember 25, 2015 at 6:00 pm #88292AnonymousGuest
More of my thoughts (I am hesitant about this because I am afraid it will be unpleasant for you to read, but I may be getting somewhere???)
… What if they were bullying you for the same reason bullies bully, because they weren’t afraid of consequences, because you looked weak and insecure to them, harmless… one who will not object or fight or assert himself? Don’t bullies use any thing as a topic of their bullying: this or that or the other thing, their pleasure is not the thing they are bullying you about, but the bullying itself?
If so, it is not transparency that caused the teasing/ bullying, but the bullies not being afraid to bully you and enjoying it, it releases some work related stress for them, make the day lighter for them…
In that case, to avoid bullying, you look people in the eye, assert yourself, let them know you are not an easy target. (The highly strung hyena in the public speaking class… a target in the work place, just that, and then, the bullies would use anything: what you eat at work, what you don’t eat, your weight, your clothes (all transparent!), your voice, your hair, as well as anything at all you say…
There is one kind of transparency for bullies, and that is EASY TARGET, someone “compliant”- the word your mother used to describe you as a child.
Not about you having been a teacher.
anitaNovember 25, 2015 at 6:10 pm #88294
I don’t want to argue about this any more. yes I know where you are coming from and you may well be right. Then again,it just might be that both of us are right too.