Dear Katrine,

how have you been? Have you talked to the manager? What about your guy – has he left to South America?

Dear Katrine,

glad you’re doing fine. I’ve been struggling with some health problems for a while, so it’s not been great. I hope that I’ll find the proper treatment soon enough.

I am sorry about the situation with the had chef.

he doesn’t snap without a reason and that he is a good chef,

I don’t see how biting people, or not allowing people to take a toilette break is reasonable behavior, and not harassment. He may be a good chef, as in knowing how to cook, but he has poor people skills. It’s a pity that no one wants to speak up – probably they are afraid of getting fired. You said your guy had something in writing – could you use any of that as evidence?

I came back to find that the other guy had taken my spot (we found our own table away from the rest to get some privacy after drinking with them) said something like I wrote you or I’m gonna write you, my guy then went to smoke and the other guy stayed at our table. He retreated into his awkward self. Just sat there.

So if I am understanding this right, the guy you had a crush on came to sit to your and your new guy’s table, and told you he wrote you or that he would write to you. And then your new guy went to smoke and left you alone with the other guy? And the other guy proceeded to sit there, didn’t say much, and then you felled compelled to engage in a conversation with him?

If so, I find it rude and intrusive of him to sort of insert himself between you and your new guy and don’t give you privacy (because you said he sat there for quite a while). But I don’t want to make conclusions if this is not what actually happened and I misunderstood?

Dear Katrine,

thanks for your concern. I too hope there will be some improvement soon.

As for the head chef, I don’t know why they are keeping him if he sometimes goes off his medications and uses alcohol and drugs. He isn’t stable. They could make his stay dependent on whether he is taking his medicine or not. Like this, he is just terrorizing people.

It’s good you’re not directly exposed to his moods, and that your guy won’t be working there any more. But still, your manager’s attitude isn’t encouraging. Btw is 72-hr work week a norm in the kitchen, or something your guy took on voluntarily because he needed the money? Because I think people usually get at least 2 days off with such schedule.

Regarding your previous crush, I understand it now a bit better. He didn’t say that he would write to you, but to your new guy. And you weren’t at the table when he joined. So it can’t be said that he tried to usurp the two of you from having some privacy.

my guy then left to smoke and he just stayed there. I expected him to leave since he doesn’t usually talk to me when other collegues can see.

How come? Because it seems your colleagues know you’re dating…

It’s interesting he wasn’t jealous that the guy you previously had a crush on is chatting with you. Have you talked about it? I mean, have you told him you don’t have feelings for the other guy anymore?

He mentioned that he doesn’t start something unless he is sure that he is really interested (he finds relationships hard too due to trauma as well) it made me nervous but then he kissed me and hugged me.

That’s a good sign! This means he is really interested and he isn’t just fooling around. And he did kiss you even if he was nervous.

 I really really like him and we had a really good time together the day before he left,

Has he kissed you on Sunday too? I mean, are you now officially dating or it’s still unsure?

I am very worried that him being away for that long is gonna make him forget about me. He isn’t a person who text a lot, he’s more in the present. He said that it’s not easy for him to be away from me for that long and that he is gonna miss me.

He doesn’t sound like someone who is playing games. And he told you he is serious about his intentions. And that he’s going to miss you. So I think you don’t have anything to worry about. But maybe you can ask him to keep in touch regularly, so you know what’s going on with him? I mean, if you’re now officially dating, you can express your preferences, you don’t need to hold back so much…

Dear Katrine,

Yeah, he knew we were sitting at that table but didn’t come over until I went to the bathroom. My guy then went to smoke and my previous crush then jus sat there looking into the air so I started to do a bit of smalltalk. He left just before my guy came back.

That sounds okay – he didn’t want to impose himself or come between the two of you. And it’s great that you could do the small talk without getting anxious or awkward. So I think you’re making great progress on that front. Congratulations!

I think that he isn’t jealous because the other guy is now dating another brunette. We haven’t talked about him since January where he asked me if he was still acting weird and that he didn’t like the way he treated me.

Oh so your previous crush is already dating someone else, not that 21-yr old Australian girl? It’s good your new guy isn’t jealous, but if he ever shows some uncertainty, do let him know that you don’t have feelings for the other guy anymore. Because he (the chef) knows how much you suffered because of the other guy. So I guess it doesn’t hurt to let him know (in an appropriate moment) that you don’t have feelings for the other guy any more. But you don’t have to bring this up out of the blue, only if he seems troubled about it.

He said that he doesn’t take a step forworth only to back away because it wasn’t what he thought it was, and that he wants to be absolutly sure before talking the next step. And after our first kiss he did tell my collegues that he was very happy but he was afraid that I thought he went to fast.

Maybe a part of his hesitation to kiss you was that he knew how much you pined for the other guy, and so he thought maybe it’s too soon?

He’s a good guy everybody loves him at work and he did ask me if i wanna go travel a when he gets back, I said i could come and visit him in Portugal on his birthday in June (he needs to go to Portugal after Brazil to visit properties with his new job) he really liked that idea. He even told his friend about it and has some ideas of things for us to do.

That all sounds very promising!

Yes, we did. He was with me until midnight and he had to take a bus to the airport at 2 am so he could be there for his early flight, he ended up pulling an all nighter since we were together so long that he didn’t have time to rest before going.

Glad you’re now officially dating and that he was with you till the last moment!

He’s just not much of a texter, and it’s causing some anxieties on my part. I’m thinking of asking him to be honest with me, like if he’s feelings changes that he would let me know instead of just stop writing, like so many people have done.

Well, let him know you’d like to hear from him regularly. If he is a considerate guy, I don’t see a reason why he wouldn’t do it. Unless he doesn’t have internet access back home?

Also, you seem to be making scenarios in your head that he might abandon you. That’s your wounded part acting out… As I said, he might have hesitated to kiss you sooner because he wasn’t sure if you still had feelings for the other guy. Not because he was starting to change his mind about you…

You see? You started to worry that he doesn’t like you anymore, while he was worrying that he was going too fast. That’s why it’s important that you communicate with him, not assume what he is thinking. Because that’s what our wounded self does – assumes the worst possible scenarios. While the reality can be totally opposite…

Dear Katrine,

Thank you. It’s a huge relief that it’s getting easier.

you’re welcome. I am happy for you and the progress you’ve made!

Oh sorry it’s the same girl (green eyes brown hair, same looks like me and his x girlfriend ) just me not articulating properly.

Oh I see… didn’t know that you too are brunette, so that’s what got me confused…

My guy was certain that he liked me, but he doesn’t seem jealous really just didn’t like when I said that it hurt seeing them together (before he told me he liked me)

No wonder he didn’t like it..  because it told him you still have feelings for the guy. And that’s why he was probably hesitating to kiss you, once you started getting close to each other.

I didn’t have the best respond to him when he asked about my thoughts about us dating. I acted very childdish, I shut down and basically pretended I couldn’t hear him, then mentioned that I was looking therapy so I could start dating. I just panicked a bit, couldn’t say yes but couldn’t say no.

Okay, that was your reflex reaction – to shut down and want to run away. But it’s great that you did get together after all… that he didn’t give up and things just progressed organically…

I felt trapped it just really caught me off guard cuz he never flirted with me, he said a lot of nice things to me and about me to others but he is a nice guy.

Right… I guess he never flirted with you because he knew you had a crush on the other guy. And he wasn’t trying to compete with him, because he is a decent guy. But I understand it caught you by surprise that he wants to be more than friends, because he’d never shown it before. That was probably another reason why you were caught off guard and reacted confused/panicky at first… But anyway, that’s past now, I am glad you got together after all!

I am constanly worried that he will leave me. Going from friends to more changes the dynamic and now all my wounds comes to surface, like you say. I nearly broke it off before it started because it would be easier for me to leave him than for him to leave me. I get very defensive when that wound gets activated. Your absolutly right and this is a good chance for me to heal those wounds

Good that you’re aware of your fear of abandonment. Try to observe it, but don’t identify with it. See it as just one part of yourself. The wounded child in you is afraid of abandonment. But there is the adult part of you as well, who sees things from a broader perspective. You, the adult Katrine, know that people like you and want to hang out with you. You also know that your guy likes you and cares about you, and that he stayed by your side all this time while you were recovering from the crush, and that he is a decent guy who keeps his word. And that he doesn’t lie and manipulate.

So when the little girl in you starts panicking, try to soothe her, tell her you love her and that you’ll protect her. And also, that you’ll be her advocate. Which you are already doing – you are already speaking up, advocating for things that matter to you, and also being more open about your fear with your boyfriend:

i am speaking my thruth more and more. Even just having that chat with the manager about the head chef was hard for me but I did it, and I have been opening up to him before he left that it was hard for me to see him leave and he said he felt the same.

You’re doing great, Katrine. You are being vulnerable and admitting your fears and your needs – which is a precondition for a healthy relationship! And it’s wonderful that he too is open about his feelings, that he admits how much he misses you. And also that he is willing to talk to you on the phone. Which means he is responding well to your feelings and your needs.

Being aware of when I start to assume I know what him (and people) are thinking is my first step, because I really don’t want to screw it up because of the past.

Yes, be aware of those fears and try to anchor yourself in your adult self, which is getting stronger and stronger by the day!

I also think I am reacting this strongly because not only is he away for that long he’s also no longer working the same place as me, and it makes me afraid.

Right… you’re afraid that distance will weaken his interest for you. But keep in mind that he left because it was a family emergency, not because he wanted to run away from you. And he’s going to be away only for a couple of months. You’re already planning a trip together in June. And also, he never lost interest in you even when you had eyes only for the other guy… So keep all that in  mind – those are the facts. They can help you deal with the fear when it comes up.

I have been going out with my collegues for drinks and dinner and it was really what I needed.

Great! You’re having a good time with your colleagues, you feel welcome and accepted (remember in the past you didn’t feel like that – you felt unwanted a lot of the times). It’s good to hear that hanging out with your colleagues uplifts and energizes you…

Work has been so overwhelmening, too many changes Y is apparently gonna be our new f&b manager (after the one who got fired) which has made people wanna quit.

Oh, people wouldn’t like Y to be your f&b manager?