Hi LeenBee

I’m sorry that is a difficult situation you’re in with your neighbour. 🩵

My advice would be not to intervene when he has another dispute with a neighbour. If they call the police on him, so be it. He’s made his bed. Let him lie in it.

Difficulties with neighbours can be quite stressful. What I would do is not discuss any of this with him. I’d just be cordial when I see him, keep things brief, boring and phase him out. Be firm about your boundaries but polite.

You don’t want to be on the receiving end of his bad behaviour. 🩵

An alternative could be intervene one last time and just don’t apologise to him after. He’ll ignore you for ages.

What do you think? Do you have any ideas about what you’d be comfortable with? 🩵

Dear LeenBee:

Most troubling to me is his pattern of disproportionate anger and aggression toward others. He picks fights, becomes verbally aggressive, frightens other tenants, and then blames others for his outbursts, refusing accountability.

His kind of “nice sometimes, scary other times” behavior makes people like you feel guilty for pulling away, even though the relationship is hurting you.

He’s nice when he wants connection, approval, or attention, and when he feels lonely or insecure. This niceness is driven by his own needs or wants at the moment, not by genuine care for others. That’s why he can switch so quickly from friendly to angry or defensive.

For you, this inconsistency is exhausting. It makes you feel guilty for pulling away, responsible for keeping him calm, and unsure which version of him you’ll get. Your “sick inside” feeling is your body reacting to the unpredictability and pressure.

Dealing with someone who can be pleasant one moment and intimidating the next wears a person down.

He expects you to take his side, apologize, and prioritize his feelings- but you’re not responsible for managing his emotions or fixing his behavior.

My advice is to * Let go of the caretaker role and to stop intervening in his conflicts. If he escalates, the appropriate authority (landlord, police) should handle it — not you.

* No longer be his emotional outlet: no more listening to his complaints, soothing him, mediating, apologizing or explaining other people’s feelings to him.

* You can reduce your availability to him (stepping away when he approaches, not answering the door when he knocks, etc.), and you can use the “grey rock” method: give him short, neutral, polite responses: ‘I’m busy right now.’, ‘I can’t talk.’, ‘I hope that gets sorted.’, ‘I’m heading out.’

No emotional engagement with him. No trying to soothe him, explain to him, reach him with logic, etc., etc.

* Consider talking to the landlord: the landlord is responsible for the safety and wellbeing of tenants. He already frightened another tenant, and he has a pattern of aggression and conflict. The landlord can document incidents, issue warnings, or take action if needed.

You can say something like this to the landlord: ‘There have been repeated conflicts and aggressive behavior that are making tenants uncomfortable. I wanted to make you aware.” That’s it. No drama, no accusations — just information.

* Calling the police would be appropriate when he is yelling aggressively, frightening or intimidating someone, escalating a conflict, and when someone feels unsafe (“a new tenant on the property who was so scared of him, she was shaking”).

Police involvement is not about punishing him — it’s about protecting the people he’s scaring. You can do so anonymously.

You might want to gently suggest to the scared tenant to document incidents and call the police if she feels threatened. You can tell her something like: ‘You don’t have to deal with this alone. If you want to talk to the landlord or the police to report what happened, I can go with you, so you feel safer.”

This man’s behavior/ the situation isn’t just ‘annoying.’, it’s the kind of situation where outside support is appropriate. You deserve safety and so do the other tenants 🌿 🤍

Anita

Dear LeenBee

You are welcome 🙏

“Most of the time, he’s a decent person.”- but sometimes he’s not decent, not when he gets aggressive and scares people. I suppose every aggressive- abusive person is sometimes decent.

“I no longer wish to be his caretaker and listen to his complaints.”- I imagine that it could work for 2 people, in general, to give each other 5 (or so) minutes a day to complain, timing it (making it equal time) 🙂

🤍Anita

I hope 🙏 to read from you again, leanBee.

🌙🙏 Anita