Thank You Anita.

– You’re right. I will take some time to understand if I could have OCD as I’ve never really considered something like it but surely if my obsessive thought don’t reduce in a month’s time of dedicated efforts, I surely will consult with a mental health professional.

– The self-doubt I have is really bad Anita as I did mention in my earlier posts and as you’ve also mentioned. It exists in every sphere of my life but since I attached greatest importance to my romantic relationship, this is where it manifested the most. I trace it to my childhood hurt only as even today when I doubt anything, anything at all that has my actions involved, it starts with just this that ‘what if I am not good enough?’ and I remember feeling the same when mom compared me to family friends, correlated me to a cousin who wasn’t leading a happy life and criticized my nature. I was a very academically bright student, I am at a high post at the company where I work and am regularly appreciated by my colleagues and seniors, both verbally and through promotions but still, still I feel immense self-doubt whenever I am presenting or leading a project, not just nervousness but immense self-doubt. Once when a colleague mentioned (he thought it was a fair joke to crack) after a promotion that my physical appearance had a role to play in it, I actually started considering it that maybe I am not actually that good a professional, maybe he is right despite all the tangible achievements. With my friends I feel sometimes maybe I am not fun enough, maybe I am not serious enough, maybe I’m just a fun friend, maybe I’m just a serious friend, maybe I am pretty so everyone thinks I am dumb, maybe I am not pretty, maybe my nature is bad. And in the relationship, now when I look back, I was one big pile of self-doubt because despite everything in front me of me, I couldn’t see it for what it is. I’ve started starting my day with positive affirmations to myself since the start of the year. Every morning while still in bed, I wrap my hands around me as if hugging me and say ‘ I am a beautiful creation of God who is confident, intelligent and deserving of love, respect and all things good’. It has helped quite a bit, it made me stick to my decision of staying away from my ex and has helped at work too. I will further find ways to boost my confidence and self-love.

– The part about my dad and L is also true. I can’t believe you could see the link that I really couldn’t. I haven’t really ever seen dad’s suppressed anger, that I’ve never sensed it so I don’t know about that but yes, I remember never wanting to share that mom’s words hurt me with him because I felt he’d never say anything to her. I still don’t feel comfortable saying it but in my deepest core, I do feel that my dad doesn’t have an opinion of his own and will just say what mom says. there have been times, not now, but when I was in my teens, when I have wished sometimes that he were more assertive, that he’d call out mom for criticizing my nature. But I love him, everyone on the outside said that he’s an amazing husband and I for most parts saw him as that. But yes, I remember liking L’s attitude in the beginning, in a weird way, I saw his assertiveness, his self-assurance until it became too much, as masculinity that I found lacking in dad (Gosh it feels bad to say this about my dad). I remember telling my friend that I found his slight rudeness of tone attractive initially before he began shouting and shutting me out.

Yep. Lots of self-work to do.

Thanks a lot.

Thanks Anita. I think there’s a real mind-heart battle here. I think with reading up a fair bit in the last one year and exchanges with you in the last few days, my mind has a fair idea about what is right and can suggest decent perspectives to others, it’s just that when it comes to applying it to my own life, in my heart and emotionally, I’m taking time accepting it and coming on the same page as my mind.

You’re right, I will take a break for a few days. I’ve been going through the discussions between Peter, Marie, You and Me here to let it all sink in without getting overwhelmed. I’ll get back to you in a couple of days with all that I have understood out of it to discuss my next steps towards a better future.

Again, thank you so much, Anita. I can’t stress enough how much clarity, engaging with you, has brought to my mental state. Definitely showed me that the kind of people you engage with makes a world of difference to the way you start thinking. Engaging with more positive people and maybe not being very close to some of my friends is definitely one of my priorities hereon.

Will be back.

Jenny.

So Anita, I took a break and read the thread again to let it sink in. I also went through a few other threads on the site that were on similar lines.
Yesterday when dad called, I spoke to him about what I felt, I hadn’t planned on doing it but it just flowed out of me. I told him that I had felt unsupported by him as a teenager when I needed him to comfort/shield me when mom scolded/criticized me and that while I’ve moved on from all that now, it still disturbs me at a sub-conscious level. Surprisingly, he understood it. He accepted it, understood it and told me how he’s himself felt bad about it for a long while (I was surprised that dad remembered so many incidents and he categorically told me that here and here I should have stood up for you but I didn’t just to keep peace but I know it came at a cost). I don’t know if it was the right thing to do or not but I felt so nice. I didn’t want to live with a knot in my heart against my dad and once I told him all about it and more importantly, as he understood it, it felt nice and sorted.

Now onto my romantic relationship which is my main focus in this thread-

1. You were right, I do obsess about him. But after a lot of introspection (I literally made flowcharts at a point of time yesterday), I realized that all my obsessive thoughts are like streams coming out of this one umbrella thought that I have, and that is at the root of all of it. It goes like this: I loved him a lot- He left me- I was hurt- I wonder if he will ever regret letting me go/ see me as the one that got away. Everything feeds into this major obsession that I have with whether or not he will regret losing me. That is why I keep thinking if I was bad because I question am I worth regretting, and keep thinking if he’ll be better with someone else because that’ll show he doesn’t regret losing me. So that is my major issue. That is the thought that I have to let go. I can’t think of any way to do that besides just telling myself that it doesn’t matter whether he does or doesn’t. The relation is over and that’s that. If there is any other advice that you have in this matter as to how do I end this obsession with constantly wondering if he’ll regret anything, do let me know.

2. Mom had told me this a few years back after one of my breakups with him when I was just waiting for him to be back aka obsessing to a level higher than even today. It had helped me but then I fell back into the relation and back into my previous doubting/obsessive tendencies. She’d told me that God has a plan for you, he does for all of us. He thinks about you. If you keep obsessing over all of this, what should I do, what should I not do, what will he think, will he come back or not, will he miss me/regret or not, you are doing all the thinking and worrying for your life, God will be like okay, she’s worrying/thinking about her life enough for both our parts, so let her do it, I need not worry about her life. Leave some things on God, let him also think for you, let him show you a path, have faith in what the universe has planned for you, if his coming back is what is best for you, that will happen, if his staying away from him is best for you, that will happen. Have faith in the universe’s plan for you and stop overthinking. Have faith that what is best for you will happen.
I just happened to remember this advice and it stuck and made sense. For now at least, it is making me feel very calm. So I think this is what I am going to do, to let it go. Try reducing my obsession with him regretting letting me go and leave few things to the universe and take each day as it comes.
This is what I’ve been able to figure out so far, will reach out as more things clear up.

Love

Jenny

Hi Anita,

Hope you’re well.

So I took a long break, tried sorting things out in my head. Few things that I’m doing that is helping me on a daily basis:

– I spoke to my mom. I’d told in a previous post that I spoke to dad. In the last few days, I spoke to mom too, about it and I poured out all that I had to say, everything that I had kept in. I’d never really said it all out and it went well. She understood it, apologized, we cried together over phone and for the first time in my life, I felt something that I can’t explain. I felt I don’t know, I felt safe. I felt as if I’ve won a battle, I felt as if now I can take anything that life throws at me. I felt safer than I’ve ever felt and the feeling has persisted. I felt ‘right’ for the first time in life. I hope this will continue.

– I’ll be lying if I said I’m not having thoughts about L (my ex) anymore, however, weirdly, it’s now down to just one thought. It’s like a broken record at the back of my head going on and on. It’s this- I’ve read men on some platforms (Quora/reddit/real-life conversations) talk about their old loves from 30-40 years ago, men who say I’m happily married but a part of me still misses my ex-gf, men who say I will always think what if I had ended up with her etc etc and wonder, will he ever think of me like that or will I just be forgotten”?
I don’t know why I think this. On the positive note, I’ve stopped thinking many other thoughts, I think I’m slowly accepting things so maybe they don’t bother me anymore. Like I no longer wonder if he’ll regret leaving me. Somehow I’ve accepted that if he couldn’t see things when he was with me, it is useless for me to think that he will see things after he leaves me and it doesn’t bother me anymore. But I do still keep thinking if I’ll be his ‘one that got away’. Will I be that Anita? I don’t know, I think it’s just one of those things that you can never really know.

Rest, things are looking up. I’m on the whole feeling better, free, confident and most importantly more sure about myself and my thoughts, less constant questioning.
Not much else on my mind right now, I’ll be glad to read anything that you’d have to say about this.

Love,
Jenny