@anita

While having a relationship issue I was having self-development issue at the same time. Staying with my overprotective parents has limited my growth in becoming an independent adult (I’m still relying on them when encountering issues, and staying with parents has limited my choices such as getting a car, I still don’t know to drive at the age of 26 because dad stops me from driving). There is a lack of bonding between my family members. I only talked to my brother about once/twice a year and my parents are constantly working hard to earn more money, they have a mindset of money is everything and didn’t emphasize in family bonding or happiness. Overall I’m not satisfied with my relationship with family as well.

To reply with your question, no I haven’t moved out yet, but I’m moving soon probably this month.

@anita

I remembered during childhood my mother loved me to the point of spoiling me. I received most of the thing that I wanted and I would get mad if things didn’t go my way. The bonding between family member was good when I was young. Until when I’m at about the age of 13, both my brothers move out for their university life, while I was having a rebellious period in my high school, I argued with mom a lot and slowly our relationship wasn’t as good as younger time (no more hugs and words like I love you), both of my brothers have their independent life since then.

About the sentence, sometimes I was rude to him but it seemed it didn’t bothered him, he is the happy go lucky type of person, when I was unhappy (which happen most of the time) he would smile at me and cheer me up.

@anita

1. It was material things like toys and clothes. One case was I wanted a cuckoo clock so badly but it was expensive my parents couldn’t afford it, so I cry loudly in front of the shop and people was looking at me.

2. I remembered one day they brought me to look for my birthday present, I couldn’t find what I wanted and I got angry, I was quiet while on the way home (complained a little too like one sentence word)

3. When I was younger I would show my appreciation to mom, saying words like I love you, and hug her when I wanted to. During the rebellious period in high school, my mom scolded and nagged me if I’m not doing my homework, or being lazy. And I would fight back just for the sake of it. Mom expected me to get good grades, so she sent me for tuition classes for most of the subjects. My student life was full of study and tuition, I wasn’t happy about that. Also during my high school period, my personality slowly changed to more introvert and conservative type due to some unhappy incident.

@anita

Thank you for the insight. While growing up I’ve realised the importance of love instead of material things. And all of the love I could get was from my ex. During this 5 years I rely on him too much for emotional comfort, and so when he left me, I felt empty and depressed. About my ex’s family, he’s having a family that I envy. Both of his parents are friendly and warm, and his family has strong bonding too they have family day every week. I felt so happy while with him when I got to join them for their family dinner or Christmas celebration.

While imagining of the scene, tears falling down my face. I wish my mother treated me that way. Maybe she did but now at home I seldom see her smile. She looked worried most the time, she seldom laugh or smile, but she is always kind to me and care for me. Just that I’m not satisfied in this family seeing parents not enjoying their life to the fullest due to our financial status.

@anita

I have to admit I always felt guilty when seeing parents not able to enjoy their life. I always think that it’s my duty to have more income and give them financial support. And yes, seeing my mother being unhappy affected me a lot, and seeing my parent’s room is messy all the time makes me feel sick (for me a cleanliness of a house kind of reflect the happiness of the family).it is also one of the reasons I wanted to leave the house and to stay alone. I wanted to escape.

While being with ex’s family, I don’t feel guilty or disloyal to my parents, as my parents were happy seeing me with my ex too.

@anita

I didn’t try to organize/clean the room, I didn’t clean the house either, I only organize my room.

Of the methods I’ve tried to make them happy, to be honest I didn’t do much. Here is the list:

1 . Every month when salary is out, I would bring my parents for a dinner

2. Every month I would bank in some money to them.

@anita

Thank you. It takes time but I think the best for me is to focus on my self-development, as I still feel like a child at the age of 26. I’ve figured that having friends makes me happy, at least I felt happy the most when I had connections with friends. I felt misery in the past 2 years, one of the reason could be me lacking of friends (my bestie ignored me, and my close colleague left the office, basically I have no best friend except my ex)

I would not mind if you ask more question, while having the Q&A session I’ve actually gained more insights on how my past affects my present.

Actually I have a lot more to tell you about myself, there are things that I’m yet to figure out. I really appreciate that you take time and read my words.

About my anger towards my ex, it was actually small things like:
1. He doesn’t understand me (he always smile when I complain to him and I thought he doesn’t understand me)
2. or he didn’t give me the answer I wanted (for a long time I’ve been searching for the meaning of life, when I asked him the question he would give me simple answer which I don’t satisfied with it)
3. When I told him I’m sad and asked him how to be happy, he would answer me “don’t be sad” which I find it not a solution.
4. Overall I thought we couldn’t connect because he gave me “shallow” answer when I asked him.
5. I also always compare him with other friends

But after I reflect, I found that his happy go lucky attitude towards life is the key to happiness. While I’ve been dwelling in search for meaning of life and compete with people around me, I’ve become more and more miserable in the recent 2 years.

@anita

“you can’t make it your attitude because this attitude was formed in his brain during the years of his childhood and yours was formed in your brain during the years of your childhood”

Ah which mean I still have to figure out my key to happiness then?

–

Usually his reaction would be the same if it didn’t trouble him much. Actually most of the time I complained about my unsatisfied life (which was not direct towards him). Not everytime he would smile, but most of the time he just kind of chill. I remembered there was 1 or 2 times (about 3 years agwere was saying about him being not good enough and he went really mad. I felt sorry and we talked this over after that.

“How often did you complain to him and what were the first complaints about?”

Not too often I think it would be once a week or so.