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Dying inside

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  • #45882
    Brandon
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    Came across this wonderful site after searching the net for what seems like eternity, looking for some sort of advice, guidance or wisdom. Truthfully speaking, I don’t really know myself. I have a problem with sleeping which I have suffered for about 2 years. However, I pushed it aside, delaying this problem that I was having. I could generally sense the cause of the problem at that time but I was in denial for a reason and purpose that I so strongly believed in till to date. The reason for my sleepless nights were due to the employment that I was in. The office politics, tasks & people that I faced everyday in office are causing me so much stress that I was afraid to close my eyes and go to bed at night for I did not wish for tomorrow to come.. and I’d have to go to office again and deal with all that hardship all over again. However, I stayed on because of one person. A fellow colleague of mine. I treated her as an elder sister which I never had and I made a personal vow to myself that I’d protect and take care of her as much as I can, cause to me, at least that’s what family members do. As time pass by, I was pretty much disappointed of myself cause there was nothing much I could do. Day in, day out, I’d see her so stressed and tensed with her job. There was nothing I could do as I was just a small fry in the office and I’m failing badly in keeping the vow that I made. The guilt of failing to keep my promise and the excruciating pain of watching her in distress was hellish. It tormented me to no end. Usually, the only thing I could do to cheer her up (maybe) is to leave sweet and encouraging messages or little gifts or sweets and for that brief moment, I could see her smile which makes me really happy. But this went on and on and on and I knew this situation isn’t going to get any better. Feeling more and more useless day after day while slowly being crushed from the inside watching her in pain, I couldn’t take it anymore and I resigned after nearly a year. I thought it would be the right thing to do as I found another job. However, I wasn’t as enthusiastic as I thought I’d be. In fact, I felt horrible. I couldn’t fit in and my new job was more stressful than the one I resigned from. Then, here it begins. My sleeping troubles worsened as I went from not sleeping much to couldn’t sleep. It was dreadful as I was dead tired day after day but somehow, I’d still refuse to sleep for some matter. I immediately knew that this is a matter I have to solve and so I went to a counselor to determine whether my current field of work is suited for me. The counselor gave me a few pointers on a career pathway that I should take which would probably make me happier. I thought I solved my problems as I was lost before and I was in doubt whether my current field of work is something I should do as I am feeling dreadful about it. I resigned not long after that and I am currently serving my 1 month’s notice. Nope, I didn’t get a new job. Yes, I’m fully aware that it’s not a very wise move when you started working. But I knew I had to leave as soon as possible as my health is deteriorating. I needed a break as well.

    I thought I’d feel better after throwing in my resignation. But, nothing changed. In fact, it got worse. I started having this pain in my chest. No, its not heart-related disease or hypertension for that matter. But the pain is something deep. I feel so cold and hollow inside and I would usually put my hand on my chest just so that the warmth of the palm of my hands could give me a little comfort. So, I immediately went for another session of personal counseling and I found that all along, after I left my previous company, I am missing my sister. But I kept those feelings aside thinking things would be better if I change my job. Everytime, there is a notion about her, it triggers this pain I feel in my chest and it hurts. It got so bad that I had difficulty breathing as I went into some kind of stress-related attack. I had to take relaxants and anxiety pills whenever I have this problem. I questioned myself why do I miss her so badly till I’m suffering physically from it. Did I fell in love with her? No. I thought about it and I am sure that is not what I saw in her. I finally got the answers from the counselor. She told me that I yearned for her care, affection and attention so badly is because I never got any from my parents when I was a child all the way till now and she is the one that could give me what I needed. That is why I took her as a someone who could care for me emotionally, as a family member, as a sister that I always wanted. When I did ponder on it, my childhood was pretty rough and it was really tough growing up even with my parents around. The problem now is, I can’t really talk to her about how I feel and my whole situation for I fear that I may freak her out or worried that she never really treat me as a brother all along and she is just being nice to me. As I am typing this, I am extremely exhausted because I haven’t slept for God knows how long and these attacks that I have whenever I think about her. I miss her so badly and yet I can’t express it to her for fear of scaring her away and loosing her all together and I don’t really know who I can turn to. I’m lost and I really feel like I’m dying. Any wise words and advise? How should I go about it or view this matter? Dear all, please.

    #45884
    Al
    Participant

    Express your worry for her well being. From there, it is up to her to decide if she wants better for herself. This is all you CAN do, as you said. Your vow now fulfilled, concentrate on your own life and happiness. Perhaps, if she sees you beam, it may give her the needed incentive to be happy herself. In that case, be prepared to help her, again, with only what you CAN.

    #45916
    Inner Typewriter
    Participant

    Write this down and say it everyday:

    God, grant me the serenity
    . to accept the
    things I cannot change.

    The courage to change
    the things I can.

    And the wisdom to know
    the difference.

    #45919
    Brandon
    Participant

    Thanks for the guidance, Al. I have always pushed myself to do more each and everytime. Really frustrated about the whole situation. Have I really fulfilled my vow? I’be always figured, protecting and taking care of someone special to you is a lifetime promise. I can’t shake this feeling of guilt and some sort of a betrayal I have committed. I hate myself. I really do. Sigh.. I would really, really love to see her right now…

    #45920
    Brandon
    Participant

    Much, much appreciated for any comments. I really do need some kind of a response. I’m so lost right now that I can’t hear God anymore. Thanks for those words of prayers. But before I commit to it, do we really have to be limited in doing things for the ones we love? I know I’m talking crazy right now but really, why are we so limited in this sense. I’m not asking God for a sinful deed. All I wanted is for my sister is to be blessed with happiness, health and safety. I’d be more than happy if those blessings comes through me so that I’d be able to see her everyday and know that I have the power and ability to be there for her if I’m needed. Why? Why did God made me go through this torture? Needless to say, I’d go crazy if anything happens to her.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by Brandon.
    #45987
    unknown orical
    Participant

    i could somewhat relate to that

    #45999
    Al
    Participant

    Do not hate yourself over things you have very little control of. In fact, take your entire notion of ‘control’ out. ‘Control’ is an illusion. At any given moment and time your life may be dramatically altered or taken. In this sense, let go of your vow and belief that you must take care of her. She, too, must recognize her own suffering(s) and take her own action(s) if she wishes better for herself. The fault is not entirely yours therefore come to some peace with this.

    Most importantly, believe that you will come out okay. Without belief, there is no point in trying. You will find an answer though do not be surprised if it’s not one you’ve envisioned. As I’ve said, work on your own being, on how to better it. Smile with love, care and happiness when you see her and through your own dealings she may find that she wants the exact happiness you portray, leading her to finally take action(s). 😉

    Don’t worry, you’ll make it!

    Al

    #46064
    Brandon
    Participant

    Thank you for the response. At least you could somewhat understand what I’m trying to convey. Brings me a little relief.

    #46065
    Monk
    Participant

    This may be a bit of the needed bitter medicine..but are you obsessed with this person?…are your extremely strong feelings for this person reciprocated ?..even if you care about someone they do not necessarily have to care for you back…If you ask me, the solution lies within you and not any external entity, this person may become your best friend or sister as you say and shower you with all the affection..you are then going to find some other “anchor” to seek answers to your troubles…and the real answer always lies within you

    #46066
    Brandon
    Participant

    Hi Monk,

    In a manner of obsession as you put it, no, I’m not obsessed with her.

    But yes, I am obsessed in the idea in protecting and taking care of her and others that are really close to me. I really can’t bear the thought of loosing them and if anything happens to them, I wouldn’t be able to bear the guilt because of the blame that I will put myself under.

    Whether my extremely strong feelings are reciprocated, equally for that matter, I wouldn’t be able to put a yardstick on it. However, she returns it in some way that makes me feel like a normal person. Makes me feel like I belong somewhere.

    Maybe so. Maybe the answer that I am seeking for lies within me. But I’m so exhausted and lost that I don’t even know where to look for it.. and within myself as you said. Or I don’t even know what I am looking at at this point.

    Nevertheless, everything now is irrelevant because, as Al stated, things could dramatically altered or taken at any given point in time… and it has. I’m going to have to start a new topic with that linking to this post.

    #61001
    Bright Eyes
    Participant

    Hi Brandon,

    Reading your messages regarding this topic made me register to provide you with an answer that might surprise you but that can also be easily verified:
    This lady is most likely to be one of your TWINFLAMES!
    The pain you feel when you think of her is the pain in the heart that twinflames feel when they are physically separated. Together they are COMPLETE & WHOLE.

    A twinflame is a soul mate but a soul mate is not necessarily a twinflame though. There are a lot of confusion between these 2 terms.
    Soul mates are people that belong to the same soul group, life after lives but not necessarily part of the same being.

    When twinflames meet usually one is more aware spiritually than the other. The feelings are overwhelming & so powerful that it can be frightening.

    “The eyes are the mirror of the soul” so in effect your soul recognised this lady from previous lives. I suggest that you get more info about twinflames on the net or on youTube. You will identify better with what has been happening to you.

    Basically, when a spark of life is initially created, it can divide between 2 to 7 other beings (males and females) so in effect you are part of one another hence the term: twinflames.

    It does not mean that you are an exact replica of one another, it means that together you complete each other! you will have a lot in common, even some of the mannerisms will be the same. The Love between twinflames is unconditional: it is true Love. This is why I say that this can be overwhelming & even frightening for the one who is not spiritually aware or awaken.
    At night your souls are likely to reunite too.

    As part of their learning in life, twinflames can be put in the same family environment. This means that one of your twinflames could be you mother or father or sibling or son or daughter & often one of the grand parents or just a friend hence a strong bond with that person. This implies that the reunion of twinflames is not always sexual.
    Spiritually they are guiding each other & look after each other with a strong sense of protection.

    How can you verify that? Find an Hypnotherapist who can do a past life regression. Once in a deep state of relaxation (hypnotic) the practitioner can invite this lady to come in into your 3rd eye. You will see her like you see people when you are dreaming. You will recall everything & be in total control. If you are twinflames you can be made to merge together to prove that you are one of the same person hence this very strong connection! or the practitioner can just ask directly your subconscious if this lady is indeed one of your twinflames. The conscious can liar but the subconscious never lies 😉

    YES: The answers you so seek are already within your subconscious, hypnosis is just a mean to bypass your consciousness to tap in directly onto your subconscious.

    I am myself an Hypnotherapist & have done this type of work for a lot of clients. This was life changing for them as they got a lot of answers from their subconscious including what were their role in life & their “learnings” to go on the path they were meant to go on.

    I too experienced the same feelings as you did when I met my one & only twinflame. He was the aware one whereas I was the unaware one.
    This is also why I became an hypnotherapist & a Reiki master to help others 😉

    Challenges are meant to be dealt individually, trying to help too much someone makes it actually much more difficult for them because one or more detrimental spiritual cords will then link you together. Again, an Hypnotherapist can make you see these cords & make you cut the bad one only, to free you at a healthy level. The main function of the subconscious is to protect you at all cost so it will never allow you to cut the good cords: it won’t even let you see them 😉

    I hope this will help you but I hope you got some vital answers the last few months for you to pursue your life as you are meant to.

    Lots of Love & Light!

    #63765
    gen
    Participant

    It sounds like separation anxiety.

    It can become very intense and debilitating without help.

    Please seek guidance from qualified person.

    Is there any chance you have abandonment issues from a family member being a substance abuser in your past?

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