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Emotional turmoil…

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  • This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years ago by Jodi.
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  • #82849
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hi everyone.
    Sorry it’s a long post, I need some advice as I feel very low.
    Me and my bf broke up last year in June after a make up and break up relationship for 5 yrs, he’s moved on and is found someone new, since the break up I’ve been feeling very down, I,can’t seem to be able to move on, we have not had any contact since the break up, I did love my bf very much but the relationship was not based on trust as he use to,lie a lot.
    I met someone some months ago to start dating again, things was going good but the problem is he drinks a lot and I end up arguing with him about his drinking, so I decided to break up with him. He’s still texting saying he wants me back but he’s still drinking a lot.

    Last month I met this new guy thru a friend, he seems nice and we’ve gone out a few times, he text me everyday and calls as well, he ask me out for dinner tomorrow and I’ve said yes, my problem is I don’t feel for him, I still think about my ex a lot, I feel empty and I,keep,wishing things had turn out well with my ex, I loved him but didn’t love his lies and behaviour when he was with me and this caused loads of arguments during those 5 yrs together. Surely I should have been able to move on but I feel stuck. I do meet people but I don’t have the energy to invest in a relationship for fear of being hurt again.. As all my previous relationships ended the same way. Any advice will be much welcome. Thank you all.

    #82850
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bernadette:

    Do you wish you were able to change your bf from untrustworthy to trustworthy, to make him stop lying? Are you stuck in still wishing- retractively- this very wish?

    I am wondering if you are stuck in the hurt of an old betrayal, older even than the betrayal of the bf of five years?

    anita

    #82852
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Anita
    I was married at 16 and my husband was very abusive, we divorce when I was 30. I’ve dated other guys and all of them cheated on me, maybe I try too much to make the relationship work in the end they still walk away..

    #82858
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bernadette:

    I can see why you don’t have the energy to ivest in a prospect that is likely to end up like all the others in the past. Why invest in getting hurt? So, unless you have a good reason, unless you can convince yourself that this time you will not be hurt, or that you will be unlikely to get hurt; unless you can convince yourself that you will be wiser this time- you shouldn’t.

    You shouldn’t do the same things that got you bad results in the past. You should do something different.

    What can you do that is different- in a next relationship- if you attempt one- that can bring you better results?

    anita

    #82875
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Bernadette,

    I would find the common denominators. Where (in general) did you find these guys? How did you meet them? What did they all have in common? What did you yourself do in each of the relationships?

    Once you find the box, you can break out of it.

    Best,

    Inky

    #83126
    Jodi
    Participant

    What exactly was it about the guy who lied and the guy who drank that you were attracted to? Was it confidence? Did you feel a certain way etc? Were they very charming? I can guarantee you weren’t attracted to the lying and the drinking, but there was something they both had that attracted you. Find out what that is. (When women are attracted to the “bad boy” types, it’s not the bad behavior they like it’s another trait that can sometimes accompany bad behavior) Once you know what is attracting you, you can then look for that trait in men who are honest and not heavy drinkers. Best of luck!

    ~Jodi

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