I am just seeing these posts from Chickadee33 now. I am also seeing that they were flagged for inappropriate content. These replies to what I feel were vulnerable and thoughtful posts about a very difficult relationship that I have been experiencing, were judgmental, hasty, and quite insulting. Unlike Anita who spent the time to thoroughly consider what I was experiencing and what he might also be experiencing, it seems that Chickadee33 took it upon herself to place blame, and also imagine that she has the ultimate insight into what is really going on between me and this man. She quite kindly broke it down into a case of desperate woman (me) vs. user (man I am seeing). If this were 10 months ago, I might even stop to consider whether or not her view had credibility. As I wrote throughout this relationship, I have spoken of attachment issues I feel I have and how allowing the relationship to unfold unconventionally and at a natural pace, has allowed me to see what is truly unfolding and what could unfold. It has been a practice in non-attachment if anything. I am in a relationship that is said to have no future, and yet, we have been moving along into the future quicker and quicker, picking up speed. This entire time, he has been as equally pursuant of me, as I have been him. There was a short time when I tried to break things off for good, that he was not happy to see me, but I was worried about his mental health at that time for other reasons and so I did try to make more contact with him than he did me. There really has never been a man who has SHOWN me with actions how much he wants me in his life. I have been a watcher throughout our relationship as much as a participant, and I can see the struggles that he faces, as much as Anita has also helped me to understand them with her unique empathetic insight. I do not see the world in black and white, and thus at times I will be naive, but I’d rather be a bit naive, rather than cold and unfeeling and ruthless. I am not a fool for loving, I would be a fool for wanting. But I no longer wish for the loving in return, I just let what is, BE. The loving comes through in it’s own unique way. I don’t believe that a man who wished to use me and had no interest for me in his life would continue to spend all of his time with me. He comes to see more than I go to see him. I don’t believe he’d ask me to spend the holidays with him and his family, or make plans with me to go places in the new year. I have no interest in convincing anyone to be with me, nor do I think he will magically decide to be if I follow him around long enough. I am happy to just be with him. If he was using me, this would assume manipulation, which would be hard to do, since my eyes are very clearly open.

It’s a reminder of how easy it is to judge something from the outside, that might appear like it has a black and white appearance, when really it’s coloured with all shades of the rainbow.

I’ve been to therapy, if you’re really that interested. My therapist has said, sometimes the lesson isn’t for you, sometimes it takes someone open, patient and kind, to teach someone what love is; sometimes I am doing the teaching, even if I don’t mean or want to take on that role.

I think that Anita and I already discussed a little bit about why I might be seeking out men who have a hard time committing, or maybe her insight led me to consider that on my own. It could be that I am attracted to men who reinforce the idea that I will be abandoned. Sometimes our psyches want to prove that they’re right. Part of it comes down to feeling worthy of love too. If I keep giving love to others, who can’t give back, then maybe i don’t have to receive it, because am I worthy to receive it? I am not beyond considering my own self destructive behaviours and unconscious thought patterns. Maybe you missed the part where I said I have a degree in psych… I am psychoanalytic to a t.

I kind of wish it were as simple as what you reduced it to Chickadee33. I have been asking myself why it seems to bother others, in my life as well. Namely my estranged brother, etc. Some make judgments out of a protective nature, some because they are angry with themselves for having fallen victim to what they believe are the same patterns, some need to project anger… Myriad of reasons. Some people feel threatened I think, by something that does not fit in a tidy little box.

I truly believe now more than ever, that I can’t lose what isn’t really mine, so while I feel a strong connection to this man, I don’t need to hold onto that. It just exists there as it does, and will dissolve if it has served its purpose. Will you cause me to question and waver on what I have had the distinct pleasure to witness over a year and a half? Something unexpected and beautiful blossoming out of a relationship that was said to have an expiration date long ago? Life is swift and changing and it changes you. You change people and they change you. Wouldn’t we all be so lucky just to labelled users and those who are used.. I feel as though I’ve had those kind of relationships in the past, and they were always short lived with no depth. No love, no care, nothing binding. My current relationship feels like a sheep dressed in a wolf’s clothing. People have told me it’s the wolf in sheep’s clothing.. .and over time they’ve slowly changed their minds. I think the hardest part about judgement from others is that you start to lose sight of what you see as true, you start to question your own sanity. It’s hard believe your own intuition sometimes, especially when you know the faith in it could hurt you. Your mind wants to protect itself from any kind of damage. It takes a lot of faith to go against your own mind.

I’m getting a little abstract now. But thank you Chickadee33 for passing judgement and reinforcing just how much the steady rushing river can block out all of that mindless chatter.

Hi Anita, thank you again for your insightful thoughts. You always seem to shed light to the dark areas.

I have been thinking a lot about why he rejects the commitment, and I do agree that it seems to be a lack of self esteem on his part and the belief that perhaps if he lets me in that I will abandon/reject him. I do wonder about his past and if he was ever cheated on. He still has not disclosed anything about prior relationships, but has opened up in other ways slightly.

I still don’t think he is actively dating, yet he may still be on the apps. I wouldn’t know. I am however, not. If there comes a day where he tells me he has formed a relationship with someone else, I have told myself that that will be my sign that there is another love for me.

It’s strange. The way he has weaved himself into my life. The way he cares about insignificant things. The last time he came over he made a list of things he needs to bring me for my home, just to make my life easier. A mailbox because mine broke, some water filters, and he wants to fix a lamp I have in the living room, but don’t intend to keep. I know this is typical male behaviour, but he just seems to keep trying. He also told me that I have gotten better looking since we’ve met. My friend told me that it’s a strange thing for him to say, and she took it to mean that he’s falling for me. I thought it was a weird compliment.

I will be going to his family’s house for Christmas Eve, which isn’t that strange because he still pretends that we’re together in front of them. But I invited him to my mom’s for Christmas Day, which was an invitation I thought he would reject. He actually told me he’d like to come. It’s rather odd, as he has not seen my mom since last Christmas and not since we broke up last January. He’s sort of walking into a ring of fire, even though my mom is not confrontational. It’s strange that with no intention to want to be with me, that he wants to spend part of the holidays with my family, after everything. And I made it clear that he could just stay home with his family and I would understand.

I also recently had a bit of a pregnancy scare, and he reacted rather well. He just said it would be my decision and he would support me. Now when my period is a bit late, he says “oh do we have one on the way”… He said the only thing that scares him about it, is that he doesn’t know how to talk to babies.

But I dare not ask questions. I still feel extremely connected to him and even more so after all of this time. The more I look back on our story, the more fated it seems. I remember how I felt before I even met him. I just saw his picture and I thought “that’s my one”. Everything else that came after was just so natural. I’ve never had a first date where I felt like I was high after. Where I felt so calm and incredibly excited at the same time. And his words on that day matched mine. We both felt it, we both talked about the future and things we would do, people we wanted each other to meet. My friends still ask if I can deal with being with him, but giving up a life of being together, living together, possibly having a family. I don’t feel like I’m giving anything up if it’s really meant to be. And it’s hard not to enjoy every moment we spend together, even without any clear direction. I just feel like I had no say in when I met him, how I would feel about him. I feel like the wind has carried us this far, it’s bound to carry us the rest of the way.

If there comes a time where I no longer feel for him what I do, or I feel that he wants to let go, I will let us do so. Because there is nothing to hold on to except fear of losing. Something that is truly yours cannot be lost. If you need to hold on to it, you’re grasping and it will be manipulated into something that isn’t true. I just feel like when I met him he was there all along, so it’s hard to picture a time where I won’t carry him in my heart.

I don’t take issue with your more current analysis Anita. I just wonder if there is any hope as I feel like a lot of progress has been made, and I don’t know how to move away from this man, nor do I feel a need to at the current time. He is so woven in the fabric of my psyche, that it’s just too hard to unravel him. But at the same time I don’t feel stuck or weak because of him. I feel like if I really needed to move away from him I could. I just feel like we have a story to play out still.

I’m not sure that his love drains and breaks me, but it has definitely expanded my view of the world. Isn’t that what love does, change the way you see yourself and others? I don’t take issue with your conclusion and I feel that there are others in my life who feel the same.

I’m about the spend the next few days with this man and his family and mine. I will report back with thoughts. I just keep feeling like something is about to bestow me/us. My friend asked me the other day if I think he is a soulmate. Absolutely, I just don’t know what happens now that we’ve met.

You know what’s funny Anita, the last three times that I’ve gone to see if you’ve replied, I have come to the page 6-7 seconds after you’ve posted. Weird synching happening.

Anyways, thanks so much for the time and energy you’ve put into this whole journey with me and this man. I wish you a Merry Christmas if you celebrate or else a Happy Holidays.

Part of me can envision a future like the one you suggested, definitely something unconventional, possibly even sleeping in separate rooms. Sometimes I feel that his compliments and efforts are bigger than I even know. Like he’s trying to say more with them. My friend who was engaged to my brother mentions that my brother was very similar to Carl in the beginning of their relationship. Refused to acknowledge the relationship and downright rejected it many times. He’s of a similar personality (OCD), but different upbringing. He eventually proposed to her and then cheated on her with someone online who lives out of the country. He’s currently trying to get her back. This was over a span of 7 years. It could go on for some time.

Thank you for your analysis of my openness. You’re very kind.

I didn’t get him anything really emotional this year like I did last, and no card as he doesn’t seem to appreciate them. I did have an idea for a good gift that would touch him a little more, but I will save it for later. He says my gift didn’t arrive in time, but he described it as shiny haha. I asked if it was a spoon.

I read a lot about dismissive types a few months into dating him. He does fit the stereotype of one a d the behaviour patterns. I had quite a few interesting discussions with his sister this Christmas, but we couldn’t really get alone to have a really good talk, but she told me that she’d really like to understand how ge sees his childhood, because she said it was a good one for her, but she feels like he doesn’t feel that way. I told her I agree and I’d also like to find out .ore about why. She also doesn’t understand how he views their parents’ marriage as being so poor. It’s perception right?

Did I ever tell you about the dream he has where we were out on the streets near his childhood home and he was searching for me relentlessly and couldn’t find me in the dream, but I had been with him and he was so worried. This was shortly before I tried to break things off with him. He also made a snide remark about what analysis he thought I would come to, because it was so obvious.  I mean clearly he thinks he will lose something good. It’s so nice being with his family and seeing him with his nephews and even if we don’t make it I would love to be friends with his sister. Funny how that happens. My brothers ex fiance is one of my best friends even though he told me afterwards never to speak to her. He didn’t have a relationship with me to warrant him asking that of me.

Anyways thanks for the extra insights. Merry Christmas.