Hi struggling,

What was he like when you guys met? Was he attentive and doting? Or was he truly always like this? Either you miss the ways things used to be, or you’re tired of being in a non-emotional relationship.

I give him somewhat of a pass due to his chronic pain. Also, it sounds like he is comfortable enough to use good natured sarcasm/ribbing on you. It’s like he’s using sarcasm to say, “Of course I love you, silly! Don’t be ridiculous!”

I don’t think he would ever break up with you. Unfortunately, you would have to be the one to end it.

I don’t envy your decision. It’s harder because he’s not coming from a place of malice. But unless he changes (he won’t for long), it is what it is.

Best,

Inky

Dear struggling:

You wrote about your boyfriend: “But it’s like he lacks the skills to communicate”- to me he communicated very well to you that he feels anger toward you. It is not necessary for a person to state: “I am angry at you” so to clearly communicate anger. When he told you “take a hike”- that is a clear indication of anger. The sarcasm in his tone of voice itself is an indication of anger.

You asked him if he wanted to end the relationship with you, but you did not ask him why he is angry at you, did you?

anita

Hi struggling,

I’m glad to hear you talked to him about it. I’m also glad to hear that you’re seeking your own counseling. I encourage you to be as supportive of him as possible while setting your own boundaries. When he is sarcastic and it hurts your feelings, let him know, in the moment if possible, that you feel hurt by his words. Communication is the only possible solution for your problems, so continue to communicate with him and encourage him to communicate back. Continue to suggest counseling, I suspect it could help you guys a lot.

Good luck!

Hello, Struggling.  I am going to be completely, but kindly honest in this post while admitting that I may be completely wrong.  One thing I do want to suggest is that if your partner does change his mind and agrees to go to counseling, I would HIGHLY recommend a particular type of therapy called IMAGO.  I am no expert on it but have participated in this type of counseling for problems I was having in a romantic relationship and I found it to be so very enlightening.  I learned things about myself, about my partner, and about a different way to communicate.  As for my opinion of your relationship, I believe it is time for you to make a hard decision about whether or not you will stay and continue to be devalued and demeaned as I believe you are now.  There are so many responses he could have given you to your VERY IMPORTANT questions such as “Do you want me to leave” that would have communicated his unwillingness to discuss it without being hurtful and dismissive of you and your feelings.  He could have simply said “yes” or “no.”  He could have said “That’s a serious question.  I really cannot handle talking about something like that right now.  I’ve had a brutal week at work, I’m exhausted and I’m in a lot of pain.  Can we discuss it on “X” day when I’m not so worn down?”  I also have chronic pain and although I am not comparing mine to his, I will say that while it has changed me for the worse (very low frustration tolerance and severely decreased patience level), it is never an excuse to be hurtful (especially on a consistent basis) and without apologizing.   Can you imagine being truly in love with someone who asks you “Do you want me to leave?”  When I imagine that, even if I did want them to leave my heart would ache for them and the uncertainty, anxiety, and pain they must be feeling to even ask that.  I don’t think it is too much to ask of someone to give you some minutes of their life and a truthful but respectful and kind answer regardless of how much physical pain they are in or how limited their communication skills are.  I think you need to ask yourself why you have stayed with this person for this long, even with his good qualities.   What do you believe you deserve in a relationship?  Do you deserve honesty, kindness, affection, consideration, a little latitude for your quirks and insecurities, accountability from your partner for their mistakes, forgiveness, etc.?  I think you both deserve all these things and more.  Can you imagine yourself receiving the love, affection, validation and consideration you long for?  So maybe it is time to determine if this man can meet your needs and you can meet his?    And if it the answer is no, then I believe it is time to communicate the same to him in a compassionate way, move away from this pain, allow yourself to grieve, forgive him and yourself for all the mistakes you made, try to learn from them, try not repeat them, and move on toward a healthier relationship.  I wish you all the love, kindness and respect we all deserve.

Dear Struggling:

I am glad you posted again with your update. It was a long term relationship, your emotional rollercoaster is understandable.

In such a time, social support is helpful. But in an earlier post you wrote: ” I have ALOT of shame around admitting to others we have a less than ideal relationship (even my family and close friends)”-

would you like to elaborate on that shame?

anita

Dear struggling:

Your relationship with your now ex boyfriend, according to my reading of your original post was about how he feels, what he thinks, what he wants. While he may very well “lacks the skills to communicate”, so have you, not presenting your feelings, your thoughts and your wants as being as valuable or as relevant as his. As if you were not an equal party to the relationship, and I suppose you were not.

You wrote above that you are worried about him getting lonely, which fits the pattern of it, the relationship, past and present, being about him. Notice, you wrote in your original post: “he is without too much worry or anxiety….  I was having acute anxiety that could be strongly felt in my stomach. … I have been having pretty bad anxiety”- clearly it is you who needs your attention.

The shame and guilt are powerful factors in your anxiety. These lead to you taking way more responsibility to what happens than the other person to the relationship.

I hope your counseling helps you a lot. Reads to me that it is so. Hope you post again.

anita

Dear struggling:

Yes, reading books, reading anything can not resolve shame. It can be resolved, “truly and authentically” only in the context of a relationship, be it with a quality psychotherapist. Relationships with loving individuals, non-shaming individuals can also help.

anita