Thank you Anita and Mark

@Anita: Of course I have doubts. I am as unsure of my place in the world now as I was before all this started. With regards to Neptune, I was staring at the fire last March when I suddenly saw the 1111 numerology. It was like a portal had been opened up into another realm or dimension. Then I saw the logs next to the fire and counted 11 of them. Then I saw the long handled three-pronged iron fork on the other side and discovered that both the number eleven and the trident are associated with the Roman god Neptune. For a while I actually thought I was Neptune reincarnated, but now I believe it is all to do with evolution, the ultimate aim of which is to produce the Mahdi or ‘initiated one’. We are all descendants of the waters, and our task is to remember this fact. We started out as fish, which is why Dagon is depicted as half man-half fish. (I do not believe it is some sort of ceremonial garb he is wearing). Neptune is depicted rising out of the waters. He is depicted being welcomed back into Heaven. He remembered where he really came from.

You say to me “am I sure?” The answer is no, I am not, these experiences keep changing. What I am absolutely certain of, is that I am under the influence of something supernatural.

@Mark: the emptiness is awful, and it is causing problems with my eyesight and sense of taste. I can’t bear it, it is like a hunger. I am not a healer. In one rather sad and pathetic episode I tried to ‘heal’ our sick dog. I tried to ‘invoke the violet flame’ and make her well. I REALLY tried. But in the end we had to take her to the vets, and three days later she died. So I don’t see any point to all this. In fact, I don’t know why this has been imposed upon me. I can’t talk about it to people, they just don’t understand and actually tell me I am holding too much knowledge which will make my brain explode. I am a musician, but I was one before all this started. With the emptiness comes something even worse: de-realization. Life feels dead. There’s no fun any more. So I do not understand why this has happened. Has the Universe got it in for me? I spent 2006-2012 on dialysis. When I got a transplant, I hoped that my luck would change, because I felt I deserved some happiness. But instead my life has got worse. I can bring nothing to this world. I am living on benefits and take a plethora of tablets each day for several different medical conditions (none are for mental problems or depression). Please tell me Mark how I have a purpose? How do I have a stake in this life? I am on the margins of society.

You talk about mental well-being. I tell you, I have had to employ an iron will to avoid falling into the clutches of the mental health profession. I have been displaying bi-polar behavior for the past three years. But I didn’t go to the doctors with it because they will probably be unable to give me medication due to the immuno-suppressants and kidney medication I am on. But I know I am not mad. I am under the influence of a supernatural force. I have given up ‘praying to God’ because I get no answers. Praying to the Universe yields the same results. There is just a wall of silence. It has got me trapped. It’s like I am yelling and banging on toughened, soundproofed glass. It’s so easy for you to dismiss my comments as the ramblings of a mentally-disturbed man.

You talk about hope. I have none. You talk about enduring suffering. I have endured too much of it. And why does it make me great? I have no choice in the matter. Greatness happens out of one’s choice to do something. No one can help me. I spoke to my parish priest about it and he was hopeless; the first time he humoured me and the second time he dismissed me with a ‘keep calm and carry on’ spiel.

I just want my old life back. This is going nowhere and is achieving nothing except to cause me great distress.

Best wishes.

Thank you for trying to help,

I try to stay positive and I try to keep going. I try to play and compose music every day. But I cannot bear this emptiness inside me. It is horrible. These experiences have left me shattered and depressed. I see goodness crushed on a daily basis. When I go for a walk I feed the swans on the canal. The swans had two cygnets and it was a joy watching them grow up. This morning I discovered that one of them is missing and its sibling has a wounded leg. Someone had evidently allowed their dog to attack them. All the positive things I had done to help them to grow and be healthy were cancelled out in a second. Positivity is easily overcome. Negativity is the stronger force, and you can blame our ‘wonderful’ Creator for that, for he allowed it.

You still see the world through rose-tinted spectacles. Wait until you reach my level of consciousness and you will realise just how disgusting, vile and brutal this planet is. You just won’t want to live on it anymore. You won’t see the point in it. You won’t see much point in praying anymore to a Creator who made a conscious decision to allow his planet to be over-run by evil. Some might see this existence as some sort of piety pissing contest. I don’t. I see it as Hell. We shouldn’t fear ‘Hell’ because we already live in it.

If I am here for a reason, then tell me what that reason is, because I haven’t a clue. I feel so empty inside. It feels so bad that I want to self-harm. My brain is not tricking me, there is something deep inside me which is consumed with pain. I have been through a lot of tough times in my life, but I have never felt like this before. It is truly horrible.

Best wishes.

I think I will only begin to feel true happiness when I stop believing in God. It’s this belief juxtaposed with the reality of the world that is making me depressed. God (if it exists) does not concern itself with the minutiae of this life. If it exists it doesn’t get upset when humans or animals suffer. It is, as you say, neutral. It is clear to me that ‘Big Daddy Sky God’ is a myth. The myth works when you are young and impressionable, but the older you get the more you see through it.

I have been involved with organized religion for over twenty years and it has damaged my life. It creates a condition called religious trauma syndrome, and people who suffer from RTS are far from being happy well-adjusted individuals. They are self-loathing social introverts incapable of forming intimate human relationships, and this is because the founder of Christianity has laid laws down which are impossible to follow. So anyone not ‘hitting the mark’ is made to feel like an abject failure and a bad person, because they don’t measure up to the ridiculously high standards set by Jesus Christ; an anti-human figure who prohibits men from looking at a woman lest they commit a sin. Small wonder then that the ex-Christian forums are teeming with such people.

Your advice is sound and I thank you for it. I won’t expect ‘Good’ anymore. I think that’s the only way to live.

Best wishes.