First time user of this site and I’m thankful it’s here at the moment. I could use some advice and opinions.

Last night with much anxiety and sadness I chose to end a 2 year relationship with a man I loved and lived with. It was the most difficult decision I had to make and this morning all I can think is did I do the right thing? Will I regret this?

Here’s some background. Two years ago I was living the single life, moved into my first apartment with a roommate, going on dates, frequenting bars with girlfriends. I was having a great time but I was also tired of dealing with loser guys and was ready for a relationship as I had never been in a serious one before. That’s when a friend of mine hooked me up with, let’s call him “John.” She thought we would be good together and I wanted to give it a chance even though on the inside I was unsure of my attraction to him. We went on dates and he was the nicest, kindest, most respectful guy I had ever dated, completely different from any other man I had come across, so I wanted to give him a chance. Although I was hesitant, i kept telling myself the loving and sexual attraction to him would grow over time and everything will be okay. He wasn’t ugly, he really was quite cute, and I just needed to get over the physical part. My family loved him, his family loved me, my friends approved, so what else could I need?

Fast forward a year later, we decided to move in together, with much hidden reluctance on my part. I kept putting on a brave face when on the inside the hesitation and doubts were taking over. That attraction to someone that one should feel while being “in love” was just not there. I kept convincing myself that I was being stupid, that it didn’t really matter, that this was a man who adores me even with my flaws, enjoyed the same activities as me and wanted the same things in life, and that I should stick with it and it will all be ok. On the inside I was panicking, but I hid these feelings from my friends and family and especially to John since I could not stand the idea of hurting him and losing someone so good. To him, he thought marriage was on the horizon, and I convinced myself I just needed more time and to give it a chance, even though deep down I knew it was wrong. I now realize this was selfish and wrong on my part.

Fast forward another year, the time has come to resign our lease, the topic of eventually buying a house came up as well as marriage, and i just couldn’t do it anymore. The whole year we lived together, every single day those doubts crept in and anxiety would take over. I began to resent him. I wanted to long for him sexually, but I never could. Even kissing him goodnight and reciprocating “I love yous” felt like a chore. When I was at work, at times the thought of going home to him caused dread. I wanted to spend more time with friends and family than with him. I would look at other couples and saw how loving and genuinely happy they would be, and I felt stings of jealousy and longing for what I was missing. I enjoyed hanging out with him as friends, but nothing more. I was not in a good head space and the time had come for me to face my feelings and let him know.

I cried for two days about it, cause even with these doubts he had become my best friend and the one person who truly accepted me as I was. But I knew what the best decision for me was. We discussed things thoroughly and I told him it was not fair to him or to me to continue with something when having these doubts. He agrees with me and told me he did not hate me for being honest. He told me he always knew I was hesitant but instead he chose to ignore it as well. He told me he would be okay, and that my decision was made, that I could move my things out and he would stay at our place and that we would move on.

I knew it was the right decision and at the time I felt relieved, but now with some time between and the thought of having to move my things out of “our” place with him still living there makes me unbelievably sad. I keep telling myself, why couldn’t I just be happy with him? On paper, he had all the qualities I could look for, but in reality, it just wasn’t there, but we enjoyed and wanted the same things in life, so should that matter? I have hurt my best friend, and the anxiety has taken over when I think about not talking to him everyday, and just how much I am going to miss him. Thinking about dating and dealing with losers again terrifies me. I wholeheartedly wish he was the one for me. I’m 25, I still have time to figure things out, and I don’t want to learn to regret my decision to leave a wonderful man that I loved but I was not in love with. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What’s the best thing to do? Could really use some clarity and advice here.