Hi Tommy

I’m glad to hear that you are working on being kinder to yourself as well. You deserve all of the good things! ❤️

You would know me by a different username by the way. 😊

Hello Anita,
Sorry for being confrontational before. Something irrational happened. It came to light when talking with someone. Their personal battles made me a .. well let us say that she was not appreciative of my opinion. Was not being what she said. Even apologized. Still she insisted I wasn’t being genuine. I have no prejudice nor hatred in my heart. Tried several times to apologize. Still she holds me in contempt.

It becomes impossible to truly reach someone who holds no forgiveness. I can not change her feelings. This made me very sad. I don’t want to be the enemy. I don’t want to be the cause of her suffering.

I know I wasn’t wrong. And my teacher doesn’t care who is right. It doesn’t matter. Kindness was the point or lesson. So. It seems a tough lesson for me. To combine kindness with an ability to have others see forgiveness.

Much like the two monks who traveled. Upon seeinga woman at a creek, one monk picks her up and helps her across. The other monk could no longer hold his tongue said we monks are not to touch women. Asked why did you do that. The monk answers, I left her at the creek. Why do you still carry her.

She here I am stuck holding onto the woman unable to find forgiveness in myself. Trapped in my thoughts. I have not gotten far. But, I can see the door has cracked open.

I am sorry for my rude behavior. Hope you can find forgiveness. Not for me but to forgive and to move forward.

Tommy

Dear Tommy:

March 2, 2025, Tommy: “she was not appreciative of my opinion. Was not being what she said. Even apologized. Still she insisted I wasn’t being genuine. I have no prejudice nor hatred in my heart. Tried several times to apologize. Still she holds me in contempt. It becomes impossible to truly reach someone who holds no forgiveness”-

“She was not appreciative of my opinion”- here, you accuse Lily-Mae (the original poster of the Aug 2024 thread “He hurt me and left me for another woman”) of not valuing or recognizing the validity of your viewpoint. This suggests that you feel disregarded or dismissed by her.

“Was not being what she said”- here, you imply that Lily-Mae was not genuine or consistent in her actions and words, suggesting she was insincere or deceptive.

“Even apologized. Still she insisted I wasn’t being genuine”- here you blame Lily-Mae for not accepting your apologies, indicating that she questioned your sincerity and continued to hold a negative view of you despite your attempts to make amends.

“Still she holds me in contempt. It becomes impossible to truly reach someone who holds no forgiveness”- here, you accuse Lily-Mae of harboring contempt and being unforgiving.

In summary, your statements place responsibility on Lily-Mae for not appreciating your opinion, being inconsistent or insincere, rejecting your apologies, and maintaining an unforgiving attitude. These accusations indicate that you believe her behavior significantly contributed to the ongoing conflict and your inability to reach a resolution.

I think that reviewing and better understanding of what happened back then can be helpful:

Lily-Mae, in her thread “He hurt me and left me for another woman”, wrote in her short original post back on Aug 22, 2024: “I saw this man on an off for over two years. He was toxic towards me, told me from the start he does not want a relationship with me. I was obviously too stupid to not leave him… January this year he left me for another woman – who lives down the street from me. They are now in a committed relationship and he moved in with her – and she has a child… I feel depressed, hurt and angry. He treated me like trash, and now he treats her like a Princess… Why was I treated badly and not her? I wish I was good enough – but I’m not and that breaks me everyday. I need some advice please and thank you.”

Lily-Mae’s original post conveyed a deep sense of pain, confusion, and self-blame following a toxic relationship and its aftermath. She expressed intense feelings of depression, hurt, and anger, feeling that she was not good enough. She concludes by asking for advice, indicating a need for guidance and support in dealing with her emotions and understanding the situation. Her request for advice shows that she is reaching out for help.

In her second post she shared: “I currently see my psychiatrist and psychologist for years now… I went through childhood trauma. I always go for the wrong men because I feel ugly and worthless… I just want to die. And I’m planning on doing that…”

I started my response to the above (3rd response by that point) with “Dear Lily-Mae:… please call your psychiatrist, or an emergency number (911, USA) as quickly as possible and voice your suicidal thoughts- so that you can receive professional help.”.

The next reply was by you, Tommy (your first reply on her thread, Aug 26, 2024): “This man said he doesn’t want you and you spend your time whining about him… So, what? What are you looking for? For him to be nice to you?… He treated you badly from the start. What were you looking for by dating him? I am sure that you have suffered. And I am sorry that you had to go thru that. But what doesn’t kill you, it will make you stronger. I hope you can resolve yourself to a life with someone else?? Bless you and good luck.”

Let’s look at your first reply to lily-Mae: referring to her as “whining” about the man is dismissive and invalidates her feelings. Asking “So, what? What are you looking for?” and other similar questions come across as confrontational and unhelpful when someone is in a vulnerable emotional state. Phrases like “he treated you badly from the start” and “what were you looking for by dating him?” come across as judging and blaming her for her situation, which is not helpful when she is already feeling down and blaming herself to start with.

While the phrase “what doesn’t kill you, it will make you stronger” is meant to be encouraging, it can feel dismissive of the genuine pain and struggle she was experiencing at the time. Failing to acknowledge the severity of her depression and suicidal ideation can be dangerous. People in such states need compassionate support and professional help, not criticism.

Lily-Mae’s response to your reply (August 27): “Thank you, Tommy, for calling me a creep for getting a toxic person out of my life. What do you want me to do, Tommy? Be friends with him? So he can use me for a booty call like he always did?… So, Tommy, what am I looking for? I’m looking to die… So, Tommy, before you judge, be careful what you say. Because your message just made me extremely depressed. Thank you.”

Next, I contacted the owner of this website to alert her to the potential danger to Lily-Mae presented by your first reply to her. As a result, your first reply and her reply to you (both quoted above) were deleted from Lily-Mae’s thread.

Next, you posted (2nd reply in her thread): “Thank you Anita for showing me that I was wrong to reply to a suicidal person. My post has since been removed. It was not my intention to press her suicidal mood. Sorry. But, I do believe that she had all the signs that this was not a good relationship and yet she pressed forward with it..”-

– Despite your apology, you continued to blame her for being in her situation, pointing out that she had signs that the relationship was bad and chose to stay in it. This undermines the sincerity of your apology, as it shifts some responsibility back onto her.

Your next reply addressed to me (Aug 27): “I only reflected what she herself wrote. Told her she needs to change. Sometimes people need a kick in the butt to realize what they are doing is wrong. Move on. You read this one sided story and say poor girl. I see her doing this to herself… But, my apology is real… I react to people straight forward and you believe I am having anger issues. Are you projecting your own abuses on me? You want to sugar coat it. Okay, I’ll leave it to you. Live long and prosper.”-

While you stated that your apology was real, you continued to justify your harsh words. You apologized for speaking harshly to someone in pain and suicidal, but at the same time, you defended your approach and suggests that tough love is sometimes necessary. And then, in the same reply, you questioned my motives by asking if I was projecting my own abuses onto you. This shifts the focus away from your own behavior and places it on me.

In your next post, you quoted Lily-Mae and responded to the quote: “‘And now he completely hates me..” [/quote]I wonder why? You have been nothing but nice.”-

The statement “I wonder why?” suggests sarcasm, implying that the reason for Lily-Mae’s negative treatment is obvious. This tone is dismissive and condescending. By saying “You have been nothing but nice,” you were hinting that Lily-Mae’s behavior contributed to the way she was treated. This further places blame on her for the situation. Your response lacks empathy and understanding of Lily-Mae’s pain and fails to validate Lily-Mae’s experiences or emotions. Lily-Mae was already feeling inadequate and blamed herself for the way she was treated. Your responses likely reinforced her self-blame, making her feel even worse about herself.

Next, you posted: “Dear Lily-Mae, Please accept my heart felt apology. I am sorry for saying things which might have hurt you. I do hope that you find help to make your life better.

Dear Anita, Thanks you for turning this into a hostile environment. I do hope you get me banned from here. This will make your perfect record of helping people into a loss. Your rude post will remain in my memory even with my dementia. You will remain as the person who pushed me over the hill. Thanks so much.”-

– While the words to lily-Mae suggest a sincere apology, the context of your previous responses and the overall tone leave some doubt about the depth of your sincerity back then.

Your response to me was defensive and accusatory. You blamed you for creating a “hostile environment”. Your language was hostile, indicating that you felt attacked and unjustly treated. You accused me of being the reason for your potential ban and suggested that this would tarnish my “perfect record of helping people.” By stating that I pushed you over the hill, you portrayed yourself as a victim of my actions. This response combines an attempt at a sincere apology to Lily-Mae with a defensive and accusatory message to me.

Your next and last reply on that thread was on Aug 27, 2024, your last post on tiny buddha before your return on March 1, 2025: “This forum is a safe place for those who wish to express themselves. But, that seems to be only for the chosen few. Anyone with a dissenting position gets hacked at by the resident therapist, Anita… Unfortunately, she doesn’t see what she has done. But, that is just the way life is. Harsh and crude. I hope anyone who encounters such a situation can overcome their position and make a better life for themselves. Waiting for my membership to be revoked.”-

This last post in Lily-Mae’s thread contains a mix of resignation, bitterness, and accusations. You specifically criticized me of favoritism and intolerance of dissenting opinions. You asserted that I don’t see the negative impact of my actions, implying that I was unaware or dismissive of how my interactions affect others.

On March 2, 2025, in your most recent post in this thread, titled “Enlightenment”, a post addressed to me, you wrote: “You show sympathy and empathy and I guess that is what these people come here for. To be coddled and told that they deserve better.”- here, you (still) criticize my approach as “coddling,” suggesting that my approach is overly sympathetic and not effective in bringing about real change.

Here, while you offer an apology for your rude behavior, your yesterday’s post carries undertones of placing responsibility on both Lily-Mae and myself. You imply that external influences, particularly Lily-Mae’s reactions and my approach, contributed to the conflict and the resulting tensions. Your defensiveness and justification undermine the full sincerity of your apology.

At this point, Tom, following the above hours-long review and study, I want to offer you two responses Response

First, a Tough Love Response (your method). Second, an empathetic response, I’d call it a Love Response.

Response 1:

Dear Tommy:

Sure, you’ve apologized, but let’s face it—you were confrontational and that’s not okay. Your “heartfelt” apology seems more like a way to dodge the blame. You talk about others not appreciating your opinion, but maybe it’s because your delivery was harsh and out of line.

Honestly, it sounds like you’re still putting the blame on Lily-Mae for not accepting your apology. Maybe it’s time to recognize that saying sorry isn’t just about saying the words but also about truly meaning them and changing your approach.

I get it, you think you weren’t wrong. But your behavior says otherwise. If you want to be taken seriously and not be seen as the enemy, maybe start with a genuine apology and some real self-reflection.

Response 2:

Dear Tommy:

Thank you for your apology and for sharing your reflections. It takes courage to acknowledge the complexities of our interactions and the emotional turmoil that accompanies them.

I can sense that this situation has caused you a great deal of distress and frustration. It’s natural to feel hurt and defensive when our opinions are not appreciated, especially when we genuinely believe we are trying to help. Holding onto a sense of victimization can be incredibly painful and can make it challenging to move forward.

I understand that you feel your attempts at reconciliation were not acknowledged, leaving you with a sense of being misunderstood, unappreciated, and perhaps even isolated. It can be incredibly disheartening to reach out with genuine intentions and feel that you are being disregarded or doubted. This kind of emotional response is entirely natural and can lead to frustration and sadness, as it seems that despite your best efforts, achieving resolution and connection remains elusive.

Sometimes, even with the best intentions, we can come across in ways that we don’t intend and that may hurt others. It’s a challenging situation that many of us have experienced. Do you know what I mean?

Your commitment to balancing kindness with honesty is admirable. It’s a delicate balance, and it’s clear you’re working on finding that equilibrium. Recognizing that healing and forgiveness take time is crucial. Sometimes, what people need most is compassionate support and understanding, which helps them feel heard and valued.

Let’s continue to focus on creating a supportive and understanding environment for everyone here. Your efforts towards self-awareness and growth are valuable, and I hope we can all learn from this experience.

Take care of yourself, Tommy, and know that your journey towards empathy and kindness is an important one.

Considering the above two different approaches, Tommy, which one— when applied to yourself— do you find more preferable and potentially beneficial?

anita

Dear Alessa:

“I read something recently that said bluntness is a privilege reserved for friends. I can understand why that might be. It is hard to know how someone will respond until you know them better.”-

– I very much agree. I will add that while bluntness may be appropriate among close friends, it is not the best approach in online communication with people one has never met. Being considerate and tactful helps ensure one’s message is received positively and foster better interactions.

Personally, I need to improve my considerate-and-tactful skills.

* This is my response to your yesterday’s post on the other thread:

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and for your kind words. 😊 It means a lot to know that my feelings resonate with you.

I’m so sorry you had to endure such threats from your “monster”. Your story about the sardines made me smile at first, but later, as I lay in bed thinking, I visualized it and felt very sad for Alessa the girl back then.

It’s incredible how humor can help us cope with difficult experiences, even though the underlying pain is still there.

I understand the lingering effects of past trauma. These memories can stay with us, even when we’ve made progress. I’m glad to read that therapy has helped you and that your life feels more peaceful now. It’s inspiring to see how far you’ve come.

The word “monster” does seem apt, doesn’t it? It’s a way to express the fear and pain we experienced, and I think it helps us process those feelings.

Thank you for your encouragement about my progress. It’s a journey, and I’m grateful for the support we can offer each other.

Take care, and thank you again for sharing. ❤️

anita

Dear Jana:

You are welcome to express yourself in the forums. Everyone is welcome to express, only not abusively, such as in calling people names, and otherwise shaming people who are here asking for help.

What’s the matter, Jana? Anything you want to say to me personally?

anita

Dear Alessa:

The part of your post addressed to me feels like a dream come true. It’s as though it closes a circle, tying up loose ends. I want you to know that you are completely, 100% forgiven.

I make mistakes every day, and my goal remains to make fewer and fewer of them and to grow into a better person every day. I am truly sorry for the ways I contributed to the problems between us back then—for not de-escalating the situation, for letting my fear, anger, and reactivity get the better of me.

I would love for us to be best friends here in these forums, and perhaps even beyond. Let’s support and protect each other along the way. What do you think? ❤️

anita

Dear Anita,

I had forgotten about that thread. Unfortunately, she had created her own issues and does need to move on. I was too rude and pushy to give advice even if it may have been correct advice. The approach should have had more kindness. The apology was sincere. And, people when hurt will strike out. My fault. But, I wasn’t talking about her in my previous post. As the monk who dropped the woman by the creek, I have let that go. Why do you still carry it? Do you wish to scold me? I am wrong, yes. I know and i acknowledge that. I am sorry.

A former casual friend, Tara, is a person who transitioned from a man to woman. In a conversation about Trump signing an executive order to stop men from competing in women’s sports, I stated that men who transitioned and then competed in women’s sport have a physical advantage. Giving examples being Renee Richards and Lia Thompson. She wanted me to site sources and provide proof. She then went into a rant where she accused me of being transphobic and full or prejudice and hatred. Cursed at and berated. I apologized. Then accused of just not being truly remorseful and just … whatever. I apologized a few more times. I could have just walked away. She has no meaning in my life. But, I apologized. So, no choice but to lose a friend and walk away. A short instance of expressing an opinion. Guess there must have been a way to be kinder in my expression of this. Or maybe to not to bring it up at all?? Yeah, I regret saying anything.

It is a tough thing to bring compassion with advice. For too much compassion, only helps a person stay trapped in their own self made prison. And too little compassion offends everyone. And so, I do believe that I am not a person to give advice. And probably shouldn’t even give my opinion about things. When I read something with a bias one way, then I tend to lean the other way. This gets me into more trouble. People are blessed to have people here who really care and try hard to help others. They make friends who care. Anyway, I have said my peace. And think it best I don’t express myself anymore. Don’t know who I might offend next. I wish everyone well and to have a great life.

Tommy.

Note: No matter how far we go or transition, there will always be some hint of the past that follows us. I am now tagged as the idiot who shot off his mouth and hurt those who were already wounded. Time to move on and find a place where I can start fresh.

Hi Tommy

I didn’t think that you were talking about the difficulties that happened in the past here. I thought that you were probably talking about something else. I was playing devils advocate not to scold you. I was trying to help bring a more balanced perspective and defend you. I apologise if it didn’t come across that way.

I don’t judge you for what happened in the past. I’m actually sorry it was brought up. God knows I’m not perfect and make mistakes all of the time. I think you handled it with grace.

I’m sorry to hear that you lost your friend and even more sorry that you are leaving again. I really missed you being around and think that you are a valuable member of this community. ❤️

If you would like to keep in touch please feel free to send me a message. I truly wish you all of the best in life too. ❤️

tbthrowaway64@gmail.com