July 28, 2019 at 9:53 pm #305445
I don’t know why I’m writing but was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation that I’m in now. Recently, I’ve been acknowledging and processing a lot of negative experiences from dating the past three years – some of it certainly is trauma which I’m seeking professional help for.
However, as I’m micro-managing the assortment of emotions, my friends/family are moving on and living their lives. I feel so alone but I also have to act/pretend to be supportive and loving when deep down, I’m worn out because I’m managing my mental health. I realized this hit a low when I found out my best friend was hiding a relationship from me. She was upset and has apologized by saying “I’ll tell you anything about this person” (in reference to this person she’s dating) but I feel like it made it worse because guess what? I don’t want to know. Earlier? Absolutely. I am overwhelmed with sadness and anger and shared this with her but am now completely disoriented with how I’m to move forward. I feel like I’ve become the “person” that people aren’t sharing things with because of my history and negative experiences. It might be the loneliest feeling I’ve yet felt. I’ve been very supportive of my friends in their marriages/relationships etc., as they have been with me. But there is something off about this and I truly don’t know what to do with it. I feel like in any other circumstance, I’d be legitimately happy and interested. But I won’t lie, I’m not.
I’ve been very depressed all day and not interested in talking and certainly not interested in “this person” as I have myself to take care of.
Has anyone had this experience and what have you done to move forward? I haven’t been able to really respond to her today because I don’t know what to say and am waiting to be in a better place.
S.July 29, 2019 at 12:53 am #305449
One of the symptoms of depression is that you stop being interested in the outside world. You don’t feel able to support those around you because it is taking you all your time and energy to support yourself. Generally, you are overwhelmed with sadness and anger. You cannot be the person you used to be – loving, supportive, caring, happy, interested.
Perhaps you could ask your best friend to be patient with you as you are not handling things very well at the moment. Explain that you are feeling disorientated emotionally and that you don’t feel able to “share” right now.
It is sometimes helpful to express your feelings by writing them down on paper thereby releasing them from your head or you might prefer to take up coloring/painting/music to express yourself. Also, some form of bodywork can be helpful – exercise, yoga, tai chi, or even consider having a massage to release any pent up emotions.
I hope you feel better soon.
PeggyJuly 29, 2019 at 11:06 am #305505
“there is something off about this”- something off about your friend not having told you about the person she is dating, or about your disinterest in her telling you about the person she is dating at this point?
anitaJuly 29, 2019 at 6:17 pm #305601
Thanks, Peggy. I normally write but my thoughts are so convoluted that I don’t even know where to begin. I’m hoping in time, I’ll naturally feel better.
Anita – sorry for confusion. I felt/feel like there is something off about it being hidden from me, but other mutual friends knowing. Overall, just confused, hurt and makes me feel more removed from her. I also question my ability to move forward, trust and disclose very personal issues as I’ve done so for the many past years. I feel like there is something wrong with me and it’s a pretty lousy feeling. I’m sure I’ll cess out this stuff over time but right now, I’m not comfortable or interested in talking with her. I don’t want to fight, I just want space. Mutual friends have reached out to me but I just don’t feel like talking. The depression/sadness I’ve felt in the last two days isn’t something anyone can understand.July 29, 2019 at 8:23 pm #305613
The tricky thing about friendships we have implied contracts and expectations of one another. When the other person does not live up to what we expect them to do or be then we feel hurt, betrayed or disconnected from them.
It seems that you think that relationships should work like a bank. If you make deposits then you can expect to get back what you put into it equally or even better, with interest. It sounds like you expect people to put the same amount of care and effort back as you put towards them. You want fairness and equality. You did not get this from your friend or others.
Life and relationships are not balance sheets. You want to be part of their lives and they are moving on. You want to be a person who your friend shares her personal life with because you do that with her.
There is a saying, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” Best to work on letting go of your expectations for, as you are experiencing now, it causes pain and hurt.
I approach living my life as throwing coins into a fountain. I don’t expect anything back from the love and caring that I give. If I do then it will be an added bonus.
MarkJuly 29, 2019 at 11:19 pm #305629
Writing your thoughts down doesn’t have to be an essay – no-one’s going to mark your work. Just write the words down regardless of how they come out. Nonsensical, erratic, ridiculous, random, word association, back to front – just as it comes (free flow). Consider using the hand you don’t normally write with. There is some logic to this. Left hand usage comes from the right side of the brain whilst right hand usage comes from the left side of the brain.
Depression is always caused by anger/grief that has not been expressed. Anger is caused by people not behaving how we expect them to. The original reason/situation may have been way back in the past but the memory sits in the sub-conscious and when a similar situation arises, the memory gets reactivated. It may feel like you are reacting to a current situation but really your friend has probably just triggered the earlier memory and associated feelings.
Trauma is caused by the emotion which gets attached to the event. Releasing your emotions in a safe way allows healing to commence. Punch a pillow, hit the treadmill, learn a martial art, play a game of tennis – release, release, release.
Your friends and family are moving on and living their lives – you are doing the same, you just haven’t put it in those terms. What you are doing at the moment is living your life as it is presenting itself to you. You are taking a big step backwards so that you can examine the whys and wherefores of the past before taking a giant leap forward into the next chapter of your life.
If you would like to share some of those ‘negative’ experiences of the past three years, I’d be happy to give you my input.
PeggyJuly 30, 2019 at 9:01 am #305665
“I feel so alone but I also have to act/ pretend to be supportive and loving.. I’m worn out.. I am overwhelmed with sadness and anger… there is something off about this…I feel like there is something wrong with me and it’s a pretty lousy feeling… I’m not comfortable or interested in talking with her. I don’t want to fight, I just want space… I just don’t feel like talking. The depression/ sadness I’ve felt in the last two days isn’t something anyone can understand”-
Let me know, if you want to, if I understand correctly: you are worn out of the same old- same old life situations and you don’t see a point pretending anything anymore. The way things have been is not working for you. There is a problem in your life and it needs to be solved, but living like before is not bringing you close to any solution.
Your depression is about giving up on what used to give you hope, sharing your thoughts and feelings with friends and receiving their (temporary) support. With no hope, the sadness and depression are deeper.
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by anita.