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Ex-boyfriend cheated on me and then disappeared.

HomeForumsRelationshipsEx-boyfriend cheated on me and then disappeared.

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  • #115492
    Daeneth
    Participant

    I am 19, he is 21. We have known each other for three years. He always had many women and never anything serious except for one that lasted for 1.5 years and they broke up, I never found out why. We always liked each other I guess and we started dating on May 4 this year. We even checked-in our dates on Facebook and it was pretty obvious that we were more than friends. After a while we decided we wanted something serious, a relationship. This whole time he still had many women on Facebook and Instagram, always liking and commenting. He said they were friends. In July I’ve found pictures of him on his tumblr being completely naked alone, and with one woman. I asked for explanations. There were old photos, I knew that but he said he forgot to delete them. Now he was in a relationship with me so he had to and he did. He always was weird though. Together we were fine but when we weren’t I couldn’t trust him. He posted a photo of him with a butt next to him on the beach. He said it was a trans friend and not an actual woman. I said that other people don’t know it though and I will seem cheated. He didn’t agree. After that, he stopped showing that we were dating. He said that after a while he will change his relationship status with me but just not now. I couldn’t figure out why. So these months passed and together we had great times. He introduced me to his sister and his friends as his girlfriend so I thought I had nothing to worry about. On Sept,14th my grandpa passed away and I had to leave for one day for the funeral.The next day, I came back, and he was gone. I called a few times, I texted, nothing. This morning, I checked his profile on facebook from my old account and this whole time, for about 2 weeks he had pictures with another girl. This whole time he was cheating on me and everyone knew and no one ever said a thing to me. I texted him saying I know everything and that explains why he doesn’t talk to me. He is a coward. But my heart is broken and nothing can fix this. My mom is not very supportive and I don’t have close friends. My life was hard all these years and I don’t think I will ever find someone to love me back. I know I’m young but this hurts. I even have to check myself for STDs. He will never explain why he did this, why I deserved this, even a fake apology. I know that he showed many signs that he is not worthy but I chose to trust him believing that he will change. I was a fool. Is it even possible for someone to move on after this?

    #115493
    Midnight
    Participant

    Dear daeneth,

    You gave someone your trust and he didn’t respect you and hurt your feelings, a lot. This is a very painful experience to go through and it might take you a while to forget and move on. I understand how hard this must be right now and that it feels as though nothing can make you feel better. I assure you that it will get better, but for that to happen you must cut all contact with him, remove him from you FB and so on. Or you might get tempted to get back in contact with him again, which you absolutely mustn’t do.

    Unfortunately, we sometimes tend to feel even more attached to and obsessed with people who hurt us, or who are not really there for us. I believe it is because we are all carrying this longing to belong and feel loved, and maybe the “high” we get when we receive that for a little while from someone who acts in this flaky way, is more intense. What I mean is, that this great feeling of “he chose me, he does love ME” that you get every time he makes you feel like you are his girlfriend, is so intense because it comes in between times when you’re not so sure how he feels about you. This hot and cold, or yes and no movement creates an excitement and rush which gets you hooked on him, and makes you so dependent on HIS moods, HIS choices, HIS actions. You are left passive, waiting and hoping for him to love and commit to you, much like a child who depends on her parents and hopes that they will love and approve of her.
    I believe that what makes you so in love and attached to him is precisely that uncertainty, that passive state on your end, which usually fuels desire and longing so much. But you can get so much more out of a real relationship with someone who loves you, and who will make you feel safe.

    The only way to move on is to change this passive way you act and feel. Remove him from everywhere, delete his phone number and cut all contact. Tell yourself that you are a good, loving person with who deserves respect and act this way. Don’t waste time and energy on trying to understand his actions – there really isn’t much to understand. His actions are immature and he is simply not ready to have a committed relationship and probably will not be ready for a long while yet, he is still very very young so this could be due to his age, or to his character in which case he will always act in a similar way. Either way, there’s nothing for you there and you should move on with your life.

    #115494
    Midnight
    Participant

    And just a little note on men:

    from my experience, the majority of men in our modern age are not mature enough to have a committed relationship before they are around 30, sometimes even older. What I mean by committed relationship is one that leads to marriage, children and so on, not just last a few years until they get tired of it and want to try something else. This is simply my personal opinion but this is what I have observed – there are obviously exceptions to that rule but I believe most men are not ready when they’re in their 20’s, especially early 20’s.

    I also think it is important for both men and women to have some experiences before committing to one person and settling down, otherwise they might get doubts at some point and think that they might have missed out on something, be it sex adventures or relationships with other people.

    I believe your ex is still deep in the adventure-experiemental stage of his life and that even if he did settle down with someone over the next few years, there is a good chance that he will cheat on her as he did with you. So don’t think that maybe in a year or two he’ll grow out of it…

    #115495
    Daeneth
    Participant

    Thank you for taking time to read this and reply back to me. So far I never thought that I was so desperate for his approval and love until you mentioned it. I know there is nothing for me there anymore, he is already sleeping with another woman or even women. But this whole time I was clueless. I should have found this sooner and confront him face to face and demand explanation. Now, he pretends I do not exist. He will never answer and to be honest he doesn’t even know what to say. It is pretty clear that he just had his time with me until he got bored. But I feel It’s my fault. That I don’t deserve someone to love me back. Maybe I was not enough. What could possibly that other girl have that I don’t? I was never jealous,always supportive to anything he wanted. I don’t understand. I mean, sometimes people get bored for reasons, maybe I was not what he was looking for afterall. But this was disrespectful. He was cheating and then decided to ignore me. He could at least be honest about it and break up with me like a decent person does. The worse part is that he maybe doesn’t even enjoy it. He simply doesn’t care anymore. I was nothing to him.

    #115496
    Midnight
    Participant

    Dear daeneth,

    I understand why you feel this way.
    But believe me, his behavior has nothing to do with you and the person you are. He simply has this need and urge to sleep around, as I said because he’s young or because this is his nature. You could be a top model with 3 college degrees and the greatest person on earth, he still will be tempted to sleep with someone else. There is no explanation to give or demand. He got bored not because you are boring, but because he is simply not capable of maintaining a relationship with one person at the moment. It’s true, he didn’t care and you were nothing to him and that feels awful. But that doesn’t mean anything about you and your worth. It only means that you were looking for love where there wasn’t any love to be had.

    What is your relationship with your parents like? Are you close? You mentioned your mom wasn’t supportive? I am asking because we sometimes repeat patterns we had with our parents in our relationships and if as a child you felt somehow starved for love, maybe this is something you are repeating now by attaching yourself to someone who doesn’t give you love and attention.

    #115497
    Daeneth
    Participant

    We are quite close and they care about me but my mom kind of felt he was the wrong one and she kept telling me this whole time. And now that I called her and explained what happened she just said that she was right and stuff like that. I know she was. Deep down I knew all that too. But that doesn’t make me feel any better.

    #115498
    Midnight
    Participant

    Parents are sometimes so emotionally involved with their children that they forget how to be supportive. They cannot watch things from a distance and be supportive whatever happens, they feel the need to criticize or warn rather than listen and support because they are so worried about what might happen and are frustrated that the child is old enough to make his or her own decisions, but is making “the wrong ones”.
    So of course that can’t make you feel any better that your mom seems to think she knew better than you what would happen. Because you already feel played, and foolish for trusting him, and now you feel doubly foolish because she’s making you feel like you should have known. But this happened because you too are still very young and you are entitled to making your own mistakes and learning from them. Even if you made a mistake and got hurt, this still is YOUR life. Your mom can’t live it for you. So be proud of yourself and of your mistakes, it only happened because you’re a good, trusting person and you probably would never act the way he did, so you didn’t expect someone to act this way towards you. Learn from this, grieve for a while and then move on.

    #115500
    Daeneth
    Participant

    Thank you. You trully seem to know a lot about life, definitely more than I do. I hope I will forget this pain soon and some day find someone I deserve. I wish no one has to go through this and I don’t understand why some people act like that to others. I did nothing wrong and I never hurt anyone. I tried in the past to be less sensitive because life is hard but I feel this is a part of me. If I leave it, I will be someone else and someone I do not want to become. But I don’t think I have another choice.

    #115501
    Midnight
    Participant

    I don’t know if I know a lot about life, I struggle with my own issues as well… but I am much older than you so I’ve had some experience with dating and so on, and have heard a lot of friends’ stories over the years to form some opinions.

    You didn’t do anything wrong, and I don’t think you need to become more like him, be a hurtful, insensitive person yourself, to avoid these situations.

    What you do need to do is keep your boundaries. Understand and determine with yourself what behavior is acceptable towards you and what isn’t, and simply walk away from people who do not act in a respectful way.
    You can still be who you are and keep all the good stuff about you for someone who will appreciate it. But you must learn to walk away from hurtful, disrespectful people. Not try to explain to them or demand explanations, simply walk away. Believe me, this is the best strategy. If someone doesn’t respect you, doesn’t see you, you cannot change that about them. It is sad but true and so much suffering can be prevented if you stick to that principle. Just ignore them the way they ignore you, and see how you will attract the right kind of people instead.

    #115502
    slider
    Participant

    although it is hurting, maybe you should be thankful that you found out earlier that he is not the one rather than later because once you are married and with kids, things are much more complicated. do not close your heart. let the pain in and feel it to let it pass. because if you close it, you will also close it to the good because the heart cannnot distinguish, unfortunately. i know this because it is what i do, when i close my heart to the bad i also close it to the good. it is impossible to live life without getting hurt. we can only make better choices along the way.

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