Menu

Ex boyfriend problems

HomeForumsRelationshipsEx boyfriend problems

New Reply

This topic contains 31 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 months, 1 week ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 32 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #291575

    norit
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    I’m disheartened. This weekend hasn’t gone as well as I hoped; I made a mix up with some curtains in the bedroom so don’t have any now. I feel a bit too self conscious to move in without curtains. I can’t tell if that’s logical or silly. And now I can’t tell what colour or size to buy. Making decisions is so hard, I will go over things for hours and hours and think I’ve made a decision but then someone will say something and then I doubt it and start all over again. Not sure what to do now.

    To your questions –

    I don’t go out much in the evening at the moment, but it was my plan to as my confidence builds (which it will with moving). I hoped to go to a local climbing group, something that would be social/fitness related, or to take an evening class, money permitting. At the coffee shop they do various meetings now and again for discussion or sharing food and things, and it would be nice to go to those and get to know the staff better.
    Even if I didn’t move, my dad doesn’t mind giving me a lift sometimes, so I was going to ask if he could pick me up once a week from something. I wouldn’t want to ask if I’m not living with him as it feels quite cheeky.

    The therapy group is each Thursday. I went this week, the weeks prior I missed a couple, but before that was attending regularly.

    The volunteering was during the day on a Friday. I used to go most Fridays, but haven’t been much since Christmas as I’ve felt anxious going back. I went back one week and had a panic attack so left early. I went and spoke to the staff a couple of weeks ago about starting it up again once I’ve moved and they were very encouraging about it. They’re super lovely.

    Thank you for talking with me.

    #291579

    anita
    Participant

    Dear norit:

    Maybe you can temporarily block view from the outside into your new place by taping dark paper to your windows from the inside, in areas where you might be seen from the outside?

    A local climbing group, social/ fitness related sounds excellent, an evening class is a good idea too, money permitting, like you wrote. I hope you can benefit from the Thursday therapy group in the future. Regarding the guy- I wonder, maybe you can suggest to him that he should get another job so that you can feel comfortable there, not getting him fired but telling him that he can choose to look for another job himself? Same regarding the coffee shop, you can suggest to him that he doesn’t attend it, not on Fridays, so that you can feel comfortable being there!?

    anita

     

    #291899

    norit
    Participant

    anita,

    My aunt has lent me some old curtains so hopefully good to go now. 🙂

    I couldn’t ask him of those things. His job is very important to him. I just need to deal with it; it is my problem and not his, and I don’t want to cause any futher trouble.

    #291903

    anita
    Participant

    Dear norit:

    Glad you found old curtains for now!

    His job is important to him but your well being is important too. You are very considerate of him!

    – I will be away from the computer for a few hours.

    anita

    #292429

    norit
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Moved out yesterday. It’s very strange! I suddenly have a lot of free time and feel somewhat empty.

    I expected this, but still, very odd!

    How have you been?

    #292435

    anita
    Participant

    Dear norit:

    I am fine, norit, Sunday morning here, very slow on tiny buddha, soon I will go for my daily walk and then Brunch.

    Congratulations for moving!

    Tell me more, did you cover the windows to your bedroom, how is it that you have more free time (what did you do before that you are not doing now)?

    anita

    #292479

    norit
    Participant

    That sounds like a peaceful morning. 🙂

    Thank you anita. Yes – I put up the curtains my aunt lent me for now.
    I’m not sure how I have more free time. I think it’s because I’m not at home and my brain isn’t thinking about what my family is doing. I would spend a lot of time on the computer or generally looking at screens. I think it was as a distraction, but now I’m alone I don’t feel the need to distract myself so much.

    I feel generally disinterested in everything right now and hope this will pass.

    #292495

    norit
    Participant

    In hindsight what I said didn’t make sense. I’m still looking at screens to distract myself, or to keep myself busy, but now it’s just to keep myself busy because I feel like I have more free time and I’m not sure how to spend it

    #292555

    anita
    Participant

    Dear norit:

    It is interesting, you wrote yesterday after moving away from your parents’ home: “I suddenly have a lot of free time and feel somewhat empty… I’m not at home and my brain isn’t thinking about what my family is doing.. I feel generally disinterested in everything right now… I feel like I have more free time and I’m not sure how to spend it”-

    – you spend a lot of time “looking at screens to distract” yourself before and after your move, so you’ve been spending your time the same way, but it feels like you have more free time now. I think it is the noise that filled in your time and you got used to it, hearing your parents in the background, and not hearing them, the silence that is now your new experience, has a different feel to  it, an emptiness of something that is no longer there, the familiar noise.

    But it was not a good kind of noise in their home, all those years, was it.. maybe at times it was a comforting kind of noise, maybe the familiarity itself was comforting?

    anita

    #292615

    norit
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I guess the fact that it’s what I was used to was comforting, changes are often unsettling aren’t they.

    #292625

    anita
    Participant

    Dear norit:

    Changes are often unsettling. I experienced a few changes that were very pleasant, such as moving away from a hot-and-humid climate. It was very settling to no longer suffer from that combination of heat and humidity and I never wanted to go back.

    When I moved away from apartments where I had very noisy neighbors and to a quiet place, I never missed the noise I left behind.

    I am curious what about the noise of your parents you are missing because it sounded very unsettling, for you, living with them all those years, wasn’t it?

    anita

    #292849

    norit
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I’m not sure what I’m missing. I think they were my excuses. I couldn’t focus on myself very well because I would be focused on my parents, and now all that’s left is to focus on me. Which is a good thing, and on good days I relish the opportunity, but on bad days it feels like a struggle.

    I think today is a bad day. I’ve been ruminating over ex bf. I’ve got the group tomorrow and had a panic attack thinking about it, and then it frustrated me that I’m not able to discuss this with my support team there which is what they’re there for. And then I get angry at him and myself (mostly myself) for being in this situation in the first place. I just want to move on but I’m not sure how to.

    On a different observation – have I done the first thing I mentioned today? Not feeling okay in myself, so start distracting or thinking about someone else.

    #292857

    anita
    Participant

    Dear norit:

    You need some psychotherapy/ counseling, individual and/or groups,  somewhere, if not where the ex boyfriend works, then elsewhere. You need it so to manage the transition of living on your own and figuring out how to  proceed with healing.

    Can you talk to someone in that support team tomorrow about another place you can go to for therapy (you don’t have to tell about the ex boyfriend if you don’t want to)?

    anita

    #292861

    norit
    Participant

    I shall ask.

    Can I keep talking here? I appreciate talking here.

    #292867

    anita
    Participant

    Dear norit:

    Absolutely you can keep talking here, please do, anytime you want. I will keep reading and replying to you whenever I am at the computer (daily so far, four years and going). And let me know what they say tomorrow, when you ask.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 32 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.