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Ex boyfriend problems

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This topic contains 31 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #290281

    norit
    Participant

    Hello

    I’m not really sure how to talk about this. I met someone through a NHS therapy group who worked there, and we then were together for a year. I can’t talk to anyone about it because it would compromise his job.

    The staff found out we were friendly, and told him it’s inappropriate. He told me this and explained we can’t be friends, and I recognised that completely, and was saddened but fine to accept it. However a week later he approached me saying he wanted to be friends and said no-one needed to find out. I wanted that too so continued to although it felt wrong. He was approached again by the staff who separated him from me during sessions.

    We’d continue to meet up secretly as friends. It was a very confusing time for me as I so desparately wanted a friend and to be friends with him as we got along very well. At the same time, my social anxiety was a huge struggle because it was the first time I’d made a friend in years.
    I developed a crush on him, but never even imagined about us dating or anything, because of his job and myself being a patient, and also because I simply didn’t want to be in a relationship in the first place.

    It turned out he wanted to date me and we ended up together after much to-ing and fro-ing and anxiety and stress on my part about his position and general relationship anxiety, and part of me wanting to be single so I could focus on myself and my own growth. I felt a bit pressured to date him.

    Now a year later after many ups and downs I am here. I broke up with him a few months ago. I miss him but am glad I did because we both have boundary issues and the relationship felt controlling sometimes. However now my treatment feels compromised. I can’t talk about any of this to anyone because he will lose his job. I feel awkward going back to the group therapy because he is there. We have mutual friends – my only friends – who I feel awkward seeing because he is always with them.

    I can’t tell if I’m over thinking about this. I don’t think he intentionally abused his position – if he wasn’t a staff member and instead a random person I met we would have become friends as we got along so well. But I did feel pressured to date him. He often didn’t like it when I was more assertive or disagreed with him. Before we actually got together it felt like he wasn’t taking no for an answer, and it remained that way during the relationship.

    I also want to clarify he’s a very lovely and kind person. I don’t want to portray him as the bad guy here because I recognise my own problems with boundaries are there – I would say no, or want to say no, but end up giving in. I would rush to his beck and call at my own expense. I let myself feel guilty when he was unhappy because I told him “no”. He has borderline personality disorder, and sees things in black and white, and I think in some ways put me on a pedestal. He was thinking of us growing old together while I was only thinking about the week ahead.

    I don’t know if anyone has read this far. Can anyone please share their thoughts? I just feel frustrated I can’t tell anyone. I feel like the bad person for breaking up with him. I’m still letting the relationship control me by avoiding places where he is because I believe it would upset him.
    And I can’t tell if he abused his position or not. I don’t think he did intentionally. But we shouldn’t have been together at all. I told him the impact it would have on us, and while he thought about the impact it could have on him he didn’t seem to think about the impact it would have on me.

    Thanks for reading.

    #290283

    Mark
    Participant

    norit,

    This guy cross boundaries and someone does not have integrity.  I applaud you for holding onto YOUR integrity and boundaries.  You are taking care of yourself.  Take care of yourself, not him.  He is a grown ass man. He is the one who has had training, the position, and the rules.

    Take care of yourself first.  Does that help?

    Mark

    #290301

    norit
    Participant

    Thank you for replying, Mark.

    It does help, but I still can’t help but feel like I’ve done something wrong, and I don’t know how to move forward.

    I feel like there’s something I’ve not communicated but I can’t quite pinpoint what it is?

    I’m sorry I’m not making much sense here

    thank you, for taking the time to reply to everyone, always

    #290303

    anita
    Participant

    Dear norit:

    Good to read from you again!

    I believe that at the end of last month you received the keys to your own place- did you move out of your parents home and are you living on your own now?

    My second question is regarding this man- was he some sort of counselor or facilitator who was part of the therapy group in which you were a patient?

    anita

    #290305

    norit
    Participant

    Hi anita 🙂 Thank you, you too. Have you been doing ok?

    I have the keys yes. Have been getting the basics set up and am planning to move in this weekend. Very excited and nervous! Thank you for all of your encouragement with moving.

    & Yes. Well. I saw him as being so. He is a peer support worker, which he described as being “the lowest rank” of job there, “closer to a patient” he would describe it. However he has access patient’s medical information and would make notes etc.

    #290309

    anita
    Participant

    Dear norit:

    I am doing ok, thank you for asking. I am so glad you have the keys and are getting the basics set up, how exciting indeed, moving in this very weekend. I hope to read from you once you are there, anytime you are in your own place and feeling nervous, you are welcome to post here. When I spot a post from you I will reply every time.

    So this man is a peer support worker, “closer to the patient”, but too close in this case. I need to be away from the computer in a few moments. When I return, in about 12 hours from now I will re-read your posts on this thread and anything you may add by then, and reply when I return.

    anita

    #290337

    norit
    Participant

    I’m glad you’re well. Thank you, for always replying here. I know I’m not the only one who is very grateful for it! ♥

    I might just ramble, if that’s okay, I’ve not really spoken about it to anyone and it would be nice to do so.

    I started volunteering last year at a cafe which both of us love, with his encouragement. The staff are amazing; it’s such a positive and passionate atmosphere about things I value. I really enjoy being there, even just washing the dishes. But it’s become harder to go there since we’ve broken up. If he is there I don’t go in there, and vice versa. I feel like it’s more ‘his place’, and they are ‘his friends’, and I have hurt him by breaking up with him so people won’t like me. A very paranoid part of me worries he is turning everyone against me, which I know isn’t true. The few times I’ve gone in there they are lovely to me, and I know realistically none of this even occurs to them. I spoke recently to them about starting up my volunteering again and they were very welcoming.
    But it has become this fear I don’t know what to do about. He said he was jealous of me having other friends, and had a worry that people like others more than they like him. He was kind and I don’t think would do any of this, but it’s an intrusive thought I can’t control.

    Maybe part of it is that this is all new for me? He was my first adult relationship. I’ve not broken up with anyone, I miss him terribly, and of course it’s going to be awkward after for both of us.

    I’m just a bit frustrated at myself, I don’t want this to get in the way of volunteering or my treatment, but I am letting it do so

    #290361

    anita
    Participant

    Dear norit:

    I re-read your posts this morning. Here are my thoughts:

    The staff already knew about his attraction to you, it was quite visible and audible, “The staff found out we were friendly, and told him it’s inappropriate”, and later, “He was approached again by the staff who separated him from me during sessions”.

    He may not at all be fired if the staff knew more of what happened. Reads to me that they have little expectations of professional conduct from a peer support worker, the lowest rank of staff. I suppose he is quite good at what he does, being very personable, pleasant, empathetic, and the higher rank staff members may think that it will be very difficult to find a replacement for him: someone with a personality as desirable as his and low education/ certification and corresponding low salary.

    It may be a good idea for you to make an appointment with one of the higher level staff members, the highest, if possible, and talk to that person, in private. Tell that person what you shared here, just as you did.  Let him or her know that you want to continue group therapy, and the volunteering at the café, that at this point you feel uncomfortable and you need help with this.

    Tell that higher or highest staff member that you will soon be moving to your own place and you will need group therapy and the volunteering job (and whatever other help/ support is available for you) so to successfully adjust to living on your own!

    What do you think?

    anita

     

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by  anita.
    #290369

    norit
    Participant

    I didn’t mention, and should have, I don’t know why I didn’t

    Someone reported us being seen together, there was an investigation where he was off work for 3-4 months, and we both lied about it
    He would lose his job if I told anyone as we already lied, I suspect I’d lose my position there aswell actually

    I’m such an idiot

    #290373

    anita
    Participant

    Dear norit:

    My biggest concern at this point is that you move to your own place and do well with the transition. I wouldn’t like this issue to be in your way of making this promising transition. Is there an alternative treatment option for you- a different clinic, a new place?

    anita

    #291287

    norit
    Participant

    anita – It will not be in the way. 🙂 I am excited about moving, and nervous, but it’s good nerves mostly. If anything it may become more of a problem after, when I am away from family, and have more space in my head to think about other things. I’m worried as I’m moving to a more isolated location, but I guess I will take all of this when it comes.

    & There isn’t an alternative as far as I’m aware. 🙁

    #291297

    anita
    Participant

    Dear norit:

    I am glad you are excited about moving and that it is good nerves mostly!

    If you are moving to an isolated area, doesn’t it mean that the group therapy and the coffee shop were you volunteered, those will not be close enough for you to attend regardless of the ex boyfriend/ staff member issue?

    (I will be away from the computer for a few hours).

    anita

    #291443

    norit
    Participant

    It’s gone a little worse today. Packing things – I don’t have a lot to pack really, but I’m finding it unexpectedly stressful. I’m feeling really detached from everything and I’m not quite sure why.

    & Also no. I will still be able to get the bus there. I feel a bit more isolated though because my original plan was to move to the city center where I would be around people and be able to do things in the evening, like a class or group, but that won’t be an option now because I can’t drive and there isn’t late public transport.

    #291445

    anita
    Participant

    Dear norit:

    Changes are difficult, no  wonder packing is stressful to you, and when distress goes up, our brain automatically detach, so to reduce the stress. I will reply further to your post (and anything you add to it, and please do add as much as you need to) when I rturn in about 13 hours.

    anita

    #291487

    anita
    Participant

    Dear norit:

    How are you feeling?

    I understand that you wanted to live in the city center because you would have been closer to places you used to go to and you would be able to get to places at night. Where you will be moving, you will need to take a bus during the day but no public transportation at night, so you won’t be able to go places at night.

    Question:

    – what are the places you went to while living in your parents’ house?

    – the therapy group sessions you used to attend (day time only?), how often and when was the last time you attended it?

    – the place of business you volunteered at (during the day and/or night?), the coffee shop, I think it was, how often and when was the last time you volunteered there?

    anita

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