Dear Jake:

Amazing relationship for the first two years or so, after which a year that was “insanely busy and hectic for both of us career wise and with university” followed, as well as the following: “we were not being physical.. We were fighting more…(she) never seemed happy.. became more snappy at me for what seemed to be absolutely nothing, causing me to feel despised. She would explode out of nowhere.. put on anti depressants” and most recently she broke up with you abruptly, saying she “wants to be alone, and with no  one right now.. she has kind of ‘Falling out of love’ with me and that she wishes she felt how I do about her.. it is nothing that I did.. it is her”.

You told her that you “support her, love her, and want her to feel better.. when she is ready I hope we can continue our relationship and work  on it”.

“I just do not understand why her feelings for me changed out of nowhere… I did everything I could to make her happy, was loyal, and always showed her love and affection despite my crazy schedule”.

My understanding at this point: I don’t think that her feelings for you changed “out of nowhere”, but that her feelings changed in the last year, long before she broke up with you. I imagine she wanted to break up with you way before she did. I imagine she felt conflicted and guilty and struggled for a long time before she finally broke up with you.

You do read like having been a loving, loyal boyfriend to her. Maybe this was on her mind as she put off breaking up with you in the last year or so.

Because she waited so long to break up with you, because she was in distressed with this conflict, she is less likely to come back  to you than if she expressed herself honestly to you earlier. Because of the length of time that she was distressed over the relationship, her losing feelings for you may be permanent.

It is possible that she will feel again and seek you out, wanting to resume the relationship, but I wouldn’t entertain much hope for this to happen. If I was you, I’d focus  on my career and university as if your life depended on it, because it does, this is what you have now that she is not in your life.

When she told you to not wait for her, that means that she doesn’t see herself returning to you, that this is not a temporary break, in her mind.

Her GAD and depression- yes, these do kill loving feelings. Problem is that her loving feelings for you are dead and it doesn’t matter what killed them, now that they are no longer there. And again, problem is that she struggled for too long without expressing her conflict to you, so the struggle cemented in her mind and is likely to keep the loving feelings outside her experience.

I am not a fortune teller, and I don’t believe in such. I can’t tell the future. What I consider is probabilities. What do you think about what I wrote here?

anita

Hello Valora,

Thank you for your reply.  Your situation sounds extremely difficult and hard, I am sorry.  I know it sounds selfish of me, but I hope my ex realizes that our relationship had grounded her and benefited her life, and did not create more anxiety on top of what she is experiencing.  I just wish I could know what will happen in the future.  All I know is I want her in my life…

Thank you, time and distance definitely made it easier, but it took a long time for me to feel okay. I think there did come a point where my ex realized that I wasn’t creating the anxiety or stress in his life, and he had improved a lot of things during our relationship that he struggled with before he’d met me, so I’m sure there will come a point where your ex realizes that as well… just be prepared for her to realize that and still not come back. On the other hand, plenty of couples break up for months or even sometimes several years and get back together after they’ve both done some growing, so you never know. Those couples that grew and changed during their separation reported a much better relationship the 2nd time around.

Hi Jake,

I know this is driving you crazy, but the best thing is to let her go. There might be a small percent chance she comes back. But would you really want that? You are boyfriend material, not a mental health professional. And consider: even the best university relationships oftentimes fall apart after graduation. I know this is bad news. It’s time to look out for YOU!

Best,

Inky

Anita, I LOVE that analogy. It’s a great visual, and it really is true for a lot of people who feel overwhelmed. With that kind of analogy, you can see why relationships are often the first thing to go in those cases, because often they’re the easiest thing to let go of compared to the other “rocks.”

Jake,

i do have some experience with this. 6 years ago i had a great relationship with someone who suffered from many ups and downs when it came to moods. She did suffer from depression and was not medicated at the time, nor did she do anything to help herself such as exercise, or hobby wise. She started down hill and our relationship went with it. I did nothing to cause this. She ended the relationship and returned all of my stuff, told me it was her and not me, then disappeared and i was shocked. I had no leads and was so hurt. I spent the next three months constantly looking for answers and begging. It caused my misery to heighten and i struggled to say the least. She blocked me, which came with a reason, which was that she started seeing a guy she had been with from her past that had previously left her hanging out to dry. When i found this out, i gave up the contact even though i was still hurting so bad. 3 weeks after i discontinued the contact, she started reaching out to me, and did so on three separate occasions. On the third try i took her back and we talked, as she admitted her faults and wanted me back. I took her back and we spent the next 3 years together, bought a house and looked to get married and have kids. Eventually the relationship started to decline, as she needed more attention than i could give, and coincidentally, she left again for someone else who got her pregnant, and i never spoke to her again.

my advice is, if someone voluntarily leaves you, do not reach out by any means. If they want you back, they will call. There is nothing you can do to change their mind. They need to do so on their own. The only thing you will do is push this person away. As much as it hurts, i wish i followed this advice back when this happened to me. As you could see, when i stopped contact, she came back.

but tread lightly with this, as my situation ended even worse the second time around, costing me years and a lot of money tied up in a mortgage. History tends to repeat and most people do not change their ways. We all dont think on our toes while happy in a relationship like we do when we are experiencing heartache. We resort back to taking things for granted, and its very human to make mistakes. Just trust your instinct. Most women do not enjoy being alone, so if she decides she truly needs you, she will call, and then you can then decide what you think at that point.

feel free to ask any questions you have, ive learned a great deal from my particular situation.

hope you get what you want out of this, and know i feel your pain, ive been there.

Dear Kyle:

If you don’t get a reply here, being that the last activity here was in 2019, you are welcome to start your own thread by going to FORUMS at the top of the page and taking it from there.

anita