Dear thosedays:

“All this while, we matched almost every aspect of life. The relationship works fine, I loved the peacefulness. Except after years of trying (2 years relationship), I still can’t find she is my type“-

-One’s type does not mean a good match, it means that something about the person (one’s type) awakens a feeling in a man, a longing, an excitement… something from long ago, like the way a child feels happy seeing the green grass and sun shining, it all feels so new and exciting. I personally know a man your age whose type has led him to a series of failed relationships, failure after failure, and yet, he keeps searching for his type, ending up alone.

“I came to the realization that I can’t force myself to love a person no matter how perfect the person is”- but you don’t have to force yourself to appreciate and respect her, do you? I value genuine appreciation and respect way more than I value the automatic, subconscious feelings involved with one’s type.

“I don’t understand myself nor who to love“- if a man’s type happens to be a good match, then excellent. If a man’s type happens to be a mismatch, then if a man pursues his type forevermore, he is doomed. If this is the case, better let go of type, and focus on love as deep, genuine appreciation and respect.

Back to the man I know irl: his type is a bossy woman, that’s the type of woman that wakes up his passion, his excitement, his desire.. but he ends up suffering each time. Should he keep going after his type, or should he… consider a woman who is a good match for him: what do you think?

“Should I not look into whether she is my type but rather focus on her gf/wifey material, or I have to keep searching?“- if you want to get married and your type is not a wife material. better look for a wife material. And if you found it in your girlfriend, then.. there it is.

“I know many of you may tell me to be honest with her“- be honest with yourself: are you willing and able to be faithful to a woman who is a good match for you, even though she is not your type? If you are and you can, don’t tell her that she is not your type- that will hurt her feelings. Tell her that she is your idea or ideal of a wife-material, she would like to hear that very much, I imagine.

anita

Dear thosedays:

“if the child seeing the green grass and sun shining, he feels happy, then when he grows up, should he stop seeing the green grass and sun shining and pursue something else?“– he should stop pursuing the appearance of green grass and shining sun and instead, pursue the real green grass and shining sun.

I will use your words of less than two hours ago (in reply to another member) as an example: “If a relationship is built based on words of promises“, and you believe those promises, ex., the woman promises to make you her #1,  and based on this promise, you stick around while she insults you, ignores your messages for hours or days, etc…  then you should stop pursuing the appearances of what her promise entails (the good feelings you had as a child when you imagined that your family will finally make you #1, instead of last).

“What is the linkage between love and appreciate & respect?“- there is no love where there is no appreciation and respect. There may be feelings that appear, or feel-like love (desire, a longing) without appreciation and respect, but these desires & longings are old unmet needs that creep into the present time.

“Get married with missing pieces? Will that missing pieces reappeared or disappeared as I get older?“– most people enter adulthood with missing pieces from childhood, and all their lives they try to fill in those missing pieces, all in vain and at a great cost and a great loss. Missing pieces from childhood need to be accepted as a done-deal, and grieved.

“Thanks for the input and really appreciate it. I hope I don’t sound rebellious“- you are welcome. You are not rebellious because I am not an authority figure. I am just another member here, like you.

anita

Dear thesedays,

it seems you feel that you should make your decision now, immediately, whether to break up with her, or stay:

For those years of trying, I know the time has come. … I wanna be firm on my position right now and decide which path I should go.

What causes that urgency? Is she expecting you to commit? Or your environment is (e.g. family’s expectations to get married, things like that)?

I would like to ask (you don’t need to answer if you don’t feel comfortable talking about it): what do you feel is missing from your current relationship? You said your relationship is “peaceful”. But there is something missing… Do you know what it is?

Dear thosedays:

I re-read all your posts and realized that my replies to you so far- although they may be applicable for someone else reading your thread- they are not applicable to you because you already decided to break up with her. Your struggle is not about staying-or-breaking up with her; it is rather about feeling guilty over starting the relationship to begin with, then maintaining it for 2 years… only to break up with her, and perhaps break her heart.

The title you chose for your thread: Falling out of love. In your original post, you wrote: “After years of trying (2 years relationship), I still can’t find she is my type. It was the same problem at the beginning“-  she was never your type, so you didn’t fall out of love; you didn’t fall in love with her to begin with.

I came to the realization that I can’t force myself to love a person no matter how perfect the person is.  I really hate myself…the guilt inside me is overwhelming… The amount of guilt is affecting my mental state“- you already came to the realization that you can’t force yourself to love her, so breaking up is the only solution. It’s the guilt that bothers you, so and you want to lessen it; better get rid of it, right?

Following the breakup of your 4-years love relationship, your “heartbreak was severe“, and you had “no one to talk to“, and so, heartbroken with no one to talk to,  you quickly entered a relationship with your current girlfriend, to “fill the void“. You knew you were making a mistake but you told yourself “to give it a try“.

“For those years of trying, I know the time has come“- the time has come to break up with her.

I suggest that first thing to do is to not use her anymore to fill your void. Sincerely apologize to her for having used her this way and offer to pay her to attend weekly quality psychotherapy for about 6 months, so that she can process what had happened. I’d say that a sincere, thorough apology and paying for her to attend therapy should alleviate your guilt. What do you think?

anita