Dear wildoceanflower:

Welcome back!

You asked: ” How….do i bring the hurt and pain down to a level where i can just see it, accept it and move on?”

First, don’t give the same people who have hurt you before, the opportunity to hurt you again (“i gave my mother the opportunity to hurt me again”)-

If old relationships are the same as before, hurtful as before, change them or end them.

Next, figure out what it is about your life that you cannot change and what it is that you can change, then… have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can (and the wisdom to know the difference!)

anita

Dear wildoceanflower:

You asked: why are these people (your mother, your friend…) so stubborn??”-

because people are stubborn. Your mother is stubborn about her “constant self pity, demands for attention and basically… anger”,

and you are stubborn about your waiting for her to change.

You can do nothing about her stubbornness, but can you do something about yours?

anita

Dear wildoceanflower:

You wrote: “I am tired of being so generous for other people´s… bad temper”- stop being generous this way then. Be stingy that way, take none of others’ bad temper!

“i am used to being the smart one who,,,, smoothes the way… the better person”- the better person, you mean, the submissive person, the one turning the other cheek so to be slapped on both cheeks?

“i have to look out for myself because no one will”- a better plan, I say.

My mother can afford to cut everyone off who offends her” unless a person is literally paying your bills, making food and shelter possible, you too can afford to cut off offending people from your life.

“I dont understand why they cant be brave for a change and do what i ALWAYS have to do? Are they really weaker than me? because it looks that way.”- I don’t understand:

What does “brave” mean to you, in this context?

And what does strength (“weaker”) in this context mean to you?

anita

Dear wildoceanflower:

You wrote: “I think being brave is about sucking it up, forgetting your own ego and pride and apologising and really meaning it. Thats all there is to it. Its what we teach kids to do”

I am trying to understand what you mean. Here is an example and please let me know if it is what you mean:

A person is yelling at you and you walk away. The person yells louder to you: “Don’t walk away from me! I am not done yelling at you! I have an hour of more yelling to do!”

You “being brave” and “sucking it up”, “forgetting your own ego and pride” and being an adult about it, answer:

“Please forgive me for walking away; it was my ego and pride. It was childish. I will do the brave, adult thing and stand here, sucking it up as I should, until you are done yelling at me.”

Is that it?

anita

Dear wildoceanflower:

You wrote: “We all know when we have done wrong, dont we?”- people don’t always know when doing something wrong. Often enough wrong is done because of lack of attention, not because of an intention.

“maybe not all of us when we cant stand the thought of having to back down, therefore the ego”- and many people will not admit doing wrong no matter what.

“Maybe they dont care that i am hurting and alone because they are okay”- often the case, people care only about how they feel, turning a blind eye to what others feel, true often, unfortunately, to parents in regard to their children.

“Maybe they think if they cant see it, it doesnt exist!!”- I think so.

“he (your father) has no empathy!… they (your father and mother) dont deal well with honest talk, bringing something up means a huge emotional fight. My mom really only communicates through high emotion. Everything is swept under the carpet. I am SOOO angry inside! ..i just wish i could have some peace”-

I think you are angry because you are still hoping for your parents to change, to attend to how you feel, care about how you feel, communicate honestly with you. You are still trying, still “bringing something up”, still trying. For as long as you are trying, you will stay trapped in that anger.

anita

Dear wildoceanflower:

As common as it is (and it is), it is always heart breaking when a child is betrayed, when a child’s trust in her parents (trust in them loving her, having her well-being as first priority) is broken. Many of us never get over it, and “something integral has been broken”, just like you stated.

And then, that brokenness does “compound over time”, in further relationships, like the one you had last with your ex.

As painful as it is, it is important to clearly see the brokenness in that original, first, most important relationships, the ones with our parents, accept it as reality, so that indeed we can move to a better future relationship.

anita

Dear wildoceanflower,

You can’t do anything to change your parents’ behavior of you.  But you can change how you want to act and react with your parents.  When people hurt other people, they are usually disconnected from God/Source, and can’t manage their negative emotions in a healthy and constructive way.  They often end up hurting the people they claim to love the most.  For you to live your life more joyfully, you need to decide the boundaries that you want to create with your parents (or other friends,etc.).  It’s difficult to do at first, but the more you do things that feel good and expansive, rather than bad and oppressive, the more you will crave that in your life.  You can decide how much distance or closeness you can accept with these relationships.

As for yourself, I don’t know how old you are.  But if you are waiting for children or a man to fulfill you, then you might be waiting a long time.  The only person that can fulfill you is YOU (and God/Source).  Start looking for things that bring you joy, peace, calm, and a sense of time passing so quickly that you don’t even realize it.  Those are the things that will help you create a better life for yourself.  The things that will lead you to feeling more fulfilled, valued, worthwhile.  Appreciating nature (think long walks, bike rides, hanging out by the beach or lakes or mountains).  Feeling the healing energy of the Universe.  Do something Creative, like paint, dance, make something with your hands (even cooking a good meal counts!), write, etc.  Find out what Rocks Your World!  And do some of that Every Day!!  Start dreaming about the “perfect life.”  What does that look like?  More importantly, what does that FEEL like?  What will you be doing?  How will you be different?  How will you feel differently?  Focus on creating a new life of your dreams where you are passionate about something(s), where you are honoring your gifts and talents and sharing them with the world.  Appreciate your good qualities.  Focus on those.  Be kind, compassionate, and forgiving of yourself and others.  When you are the bigger person, you create more of these qualities in  your own life, as well as attracting others who show the same.

What we focus on, we become.  Try as much as possible to appreciate and be grateful for the things and people that help you feel good about yourself.  Learn to turn away (figuratively and sometimes literally) from the things and people that don’t.  Fill yourself up with Love and acceptance.  And Focus on What you want more of in your life.  Those are some places to start.

Good luck!  And take good care of yourself!  You’re the most important one to do this for yourself!!

Dawn R.