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Family relationship advice

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Eliana 1 day, 14 hours ago.

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  • #186499

    Lennon
    Participant

    I have disowned two brothers of mine. I caught one of them many many years ago in the act of screwing my wife. After my divorce many years later I remarried again and on the night of my wedding at a reception at a friends house I caught my other brother with my newly wedded wife  behind closed doors passionately kissing each other. I also disowned him. My entire family including another brother, my mother and my father will not even acknowledge or talk about what happened and actually blame me for breaking up the family and not going over to the parents house forget to gathers if those two brother  are there.  You would think somebody would  back me up and have some harsh words for my brothers in my defense. Over the years, when there are weddings, birthdays etc. I am the one that is never invited. I am the one the family sees as breaking up the family and never included in celebrations etc.  my father to this day will not discuss it with me and he even invites my daughter and my grandkids over when the entire family is together such as Christmas but does not invite me. In my mind he should have enough sense to invite me, my daughter, my grandkids when the other two brothers are not there but he does not see it that way.  I cannot believe nobody backs me up on this and I am ready to move out of state which I should have done many many years ago. I am basically disowning all of that screwed up a bunch. I would like your suggestions and comments please.

    #186559

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lennon:

    Reads to me that they disowned you first, betrayed you. By eliminating contact with them you put into complete practice what they initiated: your two brothers by doing what they did and those who punish you for what your brothers did.

    This is very unfortunate, for you to have suffered as you have.

    anita

     

    #186589

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Lennon,

    Isn’t it always that way??? This is akin to the creepy uncle who did inappropriate things. But then it’s the niece’s fault for “not getting over it” years later.

    People tend to rally around the abuser (or in your case inappropriate brothers).

    In one website (Captain Awkward dot com) they call people like your brothers The Missing Stairs. We’re supposed to walk around or jump over The Missing Stairs instead of fixing it. If other people invariably get injured it’s THEIR fault!

    Tell your family Redemption comes before Forgiveness. And you know what, SHOW UP with your family to their holidays. Let it be awkward. REVEL in the family awkwardness.

    Let it be Awkward,

    Inky

    #186611

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Lennon,

    I am sorry to hear about your brothers. I agree with you, what they did was inexcusable. However, I would not disown your family. I understand they won’t back you up, but they probably don’t want to break the family up even more. Deep down, I am sure they do not approve of what your brothers did, and maybe they did talk to your brothers, but did not tell you for fear of creating more conflict.

    Sometimes families like to sweep things under the rug, to keep peace for the sake of children and grandchildren, which is why they invite your children over for Holidays, etc. Why not go? You should not miss out on these events, taking family photos, memories, something to show your children. You don’t have to speak to your brothers. Politely acknowledge them, but no one says you have to make conversation with them. Do it for your children, so they can be with their grandparents and get to know them, don’t move to another state and let them not get to know their grandparents for something your brothers did. Yes, what they did was very wrong, but you have to put your children first and let them be with their family. You don’t have to call your brothers. Just have to see them, now and then at family get togethers. If you are not invited, go anyway. Don’t stand for that treatment. Set boundaries. Tell your parents, your kids go, you go, period. Don’t move, don’t run away. It is letting your brothers win. I hope things get better. Stay strong.

    #186627

    Lennon
    Participant

    Thank you all for your responses. Believe me, I’ve tried going to family get-togethers in the past. I can’t offer forgiveness if someone hasn’t admitted to it or apologized for it. One time, while visiting at Christmas time one of the brothers had the nerve to ask my girlfriend out. He had been flirting with her for quite some time but I didn’t know he was trying to set things up with her until she told me a couple of days later.

    So of course I know they have not learned their lesson and I could.continue doing what some have suggested in attending the get-togethers when things like that continue to happen.

    #186663

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lennon:

    You are welcome. It is only reasonable to expect your two brothers to continue the same behavior, so I wouldn’t be in their presence, if I was you, nor would I be in the presence of anyone who supports their behavior, family or not.

    It is such blatant disrespect of you to flirt, try to bed your girlfriends/ wives. To expect you to accept such disrespect is … well, as disrespectful as can be.

    anita

    #186809

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Lennon,

    My advice and opinion is going to be different perspective. It’s okay if you disagree, I’m just on here to care, help, and offer my viewpoint. You can choose to go your own route of course. The way, I see it..don’t spoil the bunch for a few bad apples. I am not asking you to forgive your brothers. And like I said, we can’t jump to conclusions about your parents. We don’t know if they support what your brothers did. If they care about you and love you, I am sure they may have spoken to your brothers, but like many fsmilies, I guess they chose to forgive, they maybe have their reasons. They may want to “hold” the family unit together for the sake of the children. Even though what your brothers did was very wrong, they want the children to grow up getting to be around the family, however flawed, mistakes made, they want the children to have happy memories, so they can get to know the family and not be distanced or alienated from them. Trust me, I was alienated from my family through no fault on my own, and it’s a miserable way to grow up. I did not get to know that my Uncle played Piano for the San Francisco Phil Harmonic Orchestra. He was brilliant. I look very much like him. I had no idea how sweet and handsome he was. I had no idea he had his own album out playing very complex piano music such as Bach, Bethoven, etc. I would have given anything to be the proud neice pointing up at him, saying “that’s my uncle, Blakely!” (yes, his name was Uncle Bill) like that TV show from the 70’s..lol. I would have been so proud..I still am. Sadly, I never met him. I will regret it for the rest of my life.

    So many people on my Mothers side I never met that people took me away from..how I missed out on these beautiful people who were nothing like her. This is why I’m saying, don’t let your children lose out from this beautiful experience, because there will be regrets, unanswered questions, etc. You don’t have to take a woman over there in Holiday visits. You don’t have to speak to your brothers. It’s not about you, and your hurting which is entirely understandable, but you have to put that aside for a few hours, and let your children get to know their family. If you do bring a woman over, warn her beforehand about your brothers and the horrible things they did to your previous girlfriends and wives. I am sad to hear your brothers are not in Psychotherapy for the trauma and pain they have put you through. But don’t punish your children for a few spoiled Apple’s. Maybe have one more talk with your family. Maybe they don’t quite understanding how you are suffering. Ask them to put themselves in your shoes. If they still choose to invite your brothers, it does not mean they “support” what they did to you, but they want to hold the family together. Running away to a different state won’t solve anything, and will further isolate your children on the memories they need to create. Go to the family functions. You don’t have to forgive. Do it for the children. It’s only for a few hours. Stay away from your brothers, no one says you have to talk to them. Talk to your parents again about how deeply this affected you, listen to their viewpoint. Just don’t run away. Put the children first.

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