Hi Lennon,

Isn’t it always that way??? This is akin to the creepy uncle who did inappropriate things. But then it’s the niece’s fault for “not getting over it” years later.

People tend to rally around the abuser (or in your case inappropriate brothers).

In one website (Captain Awkward dot com) they call people like your brothers The Missing Stairs. We’re supposed to walk around or jump over The Missing Stairs instead of fixing it. If other people invariably get injured it’s THEIR fault!

Tell your family Redemption comes before Forgiveness. And you know what, SHOW UP with your family to their holidays. Let it be awkward. REVEL in the family awkwardness.

Let it be Awkward,

Inky

Hi Lennon,

My advice and opinion is going to be different perspective. It’s okay if you disagree, I’m just on here to care, help, and offer my viewpoint. You can choose to go your own route of course. The way, I see it..don’t spoil the bunch for a few bad apples. I am not asking you to forgive your brothers. And like I said, we can’t jump to conclusions about your parents. We don’t know if they support what your brothers did. If they care about you and love you, I am sure they may have spoken to your brothers, but like many fsmilies, I guess they chose to forgive, they maybe have their reasons. They may want to “hold” the family unit together for the sake of the children. Even though what your brothers did was very wrong, they want the children to grow up getting to be around the family, however flawed, mistakes made, they want the children to have happy memories, so they can get to know the family and not be distanced or alienated from them. Trust me, I was alienated from my family through no fault on my own, and it’s a miserable way to grow up. I did not get to know that my Uncle played Piano for the San Francisco Phil Harmonic Orchestra. He was brilliant. I look very much like him. I had no idea how sweet and handsome he was. I had no idea he had his own album out playing very complex piano music such as Bach, Bethoven, etc. I would have given anything to be the proud neice pointing up at him, saying “that’s my uncle, Blakely!” (yes, his name was Uncle Bill) like that TV show from the 70’s..lol. I would have been so proud..I still am. Sadly, I never met him. I will regret it for the rest of my life.

So many people on my Mothers side I never met that people took me away from..how I missed out on these beautiful people who were nothing like her. This is why I’m saying, don’t let your children lose out from this beautiful experience, because there will be regrets, unanswered questions, etc. You don’t have to take a woman over there in Holiday visits. You don’t have to speak to your brothers. It’s not about you, and your hurting which is entirely understandable, but you have to put that aside for a few hours, and let your children get to know their family. If you do bring a woman over, warn her beforehand about your brothers and the horrible things they did to your previous girlfriends and wives. I am sad to hear your brothers are not in Psychotherapy for the trauma and pain they have put you through. But don’t punish your children for a few spoiled Apple’s. Maybe have one more talk with your family. Maybe they don’t quite understanding how you are suffering. Ask them to put themselves in your shoes. If they still choose to invite your brothers, it does not mean they “support” what they did to you, but they want to hold the family together. Running away to a different state won’t solve anything, and will further isolate your children on the memories they need to create. Go to the family functions. You don’t have to forgive. Do it for the children. It’s only for a few hours. Stay away from your brothers, no one says you have to talk to them. Talk to your parents again about how deeply this affected you, listen to their viewpoint. Just don’t run away. Put the children first.