Dear Klast:

“He said I’ve spent my whole life wrestling with an invisible disability… My natural intelligence meant I was really good at masking my disability, all the way till my 50s. The imposter syndrome I mentioned before. So I’ve lived my whole life in a grey area, between appearing not disabled enough to get recognition and not being able enough to fully participate in society. Unable to engage in playing the game of life you could say“-

– I somewhat relate. It so happens that I submitted a post half an hour ago in a thread called I want to feel accomplished, before I entered your thread, and it happens to be relevant to the topic here; you can read it, if you’d like. Without using the correct medical terminology, I’d say that I suffered brain damage early on, a damage that expresses itself in learning disabilities, ADD, and Tourette Syndrome (tics) ever since I was five or six. Some needed connections between brain cells/ neuropathways were not made.

I too lived my whole life in a grey area, between appearing not disabled enough to get recognition (the visible and audible motor and vocal tics were not attended to/ did not get recognition by teachers and doctors, so no help, and because I studied so many, many hours, I got okay grades in school, so no help with learning disabilities either), and not being able enough to fully participate in society (my social life was terrible, my work history and satisfaction were poor, and I was ..unhappy, to put it mildly).

“I feel a huge relief at realising I have an invisible disability that isn’t obvious to others, I thought I was just someone severely down on my luck due to ‘fate’. Now I have a chance to get myself unstuck and try to move on“- It feels good to read this!

“Generally speaking: CPTSD is rolling life long traumas. PTSD is discrete traumatising events, like what first responders, soldiers victims of crime etc.“- soldiers spend a limited time on a battlefield (the setting where they experience trauma), a crime victim is a limited-time victim of trauma occurring at a crime scene. I was.. an unlimited-time victim, of multiple settings, multiple crime scenes, so to speak, all perpetrated by my mother (hence I would fit the CPTSD diagnosis, if it was available in the U.S., where I live.. and if there was a reason for me to pursue it).

“Some people need a label to feel better about themselves. It is similar to the concept of god, someone who people can pass their self responsibility…“- the labels can be helpful in that a person feels no longer alone (as in thinking there are other people like me), and when it comes to psychotherapy, an official label aka an official diagnosis is a starting point (for a responsible psychotherapist) in the design of a therapy plan to fit the particular patient (similar to physical medicine).

“CPTSD is the first mental health diagnosis I have ever been labelled with… Like a snowball effect. My invisible disability was the seed trauma. The resulting social isolation led to child-abuse, then the abuse led to distrust of society, which reinforced the social isolation, etc.“- I relate. The image I used to have in regard to the expansion of my mental and emotional troubles through my childhood, into and through adulthood (maybe because I didn’t grow up with snow) was mud rolling down a hill, gathering more and more mud as it rolls down, becoming bigger and bigger.

“Hope you’re keeping well“- thank you! And yes, I am way, way better than I used to be.

anita