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Feel bullied in my own home.

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • December 29, 2017 at 8:56 am #184265
    Lolly1324
    Participant

    Hi I am new to this forum but would like some advice please.

    I am a mum of two  adult sons.   My oldest is in his twenties and married with a two year old.    My husband boys dad died when They were relatively young and it has just been the three of us up until the last few years.   (Our extended family live 450 miles away)

    Through no fault of their own my eldest and his wife and 2 year old son have come to live with me as I have llenty of room for them.   They have had more than their fair share of troubles and I think my daughter in law is desperately unhappy.   Not with my son but with their situation.  However she is bullying me in my own home and my son is complicit in this.  ,I know she doesn’t want to be here. I get that.  I wish I could make it better for them but I can’t.

    She hides herself with their 2 year old in their room when I am home.   She reorganises my house to suit her when I am not here.  I always have to ask for rent money it is never offered and then it is a battle to get.  It is always accompanied by a comment to make me feel guilty for taking it.  It is only £80 a month and 21 of that covers the tv package upgrade they took out when they moved in.  They do buy their own food however but they earn more than me. She never says hello when she comes in just goes straight upstairs to their room.  Neither of them drive and I very rarely refuse them a lift.  I have in the past tried to talk to them about things but am always made to feel that it is all my fault and I am being unreasonable.  So I have not said anything.   I didn’t want to upset her or make her anymore unhappy.

    But this last week has been the last straw.   I work in retail and up until xmas Eve worked 9 days straight. Very busy exhausting days and an 1 and half hour commute each way.   I asked them to tidy up and do the housework before they left on Xmas eve for her family home.  I came home to nothing been done. I spent Christmas morning tidying and cleaning in time for my other son to arrive with his girlfriend.   It was all their mess.  Chocolate on the couch from the toddler his bowl on the floor their dishes, washing and his bike in my dining room and more.  She is normally very house proud.

    When I confronted my son when they eventually came home.  Apparently she is refusing to clean house as I never appreciate it and say thank you.   I want to confront them both but am always made to feel I am victimising her.  I will be emotionally blackmailed.  But I am determined to stand up for myself this time.   I would like my youngest to be there when I do but I think it may make the situation worse as he may lose his temper and I don’t want them never speaking again.   I have always put my boys first but have to put myself first this time.  And it scares me to death. Anytime we have argued in the past I have gone grovelling to them saying sorry I didnt want to hurt them.  Knowing that it wasnt me.  I bought this house a couple of years ago in the hope of doing it up slowly but to my taste.  My daughter in law criticises my choices and turns her nose up at anthing I want to do in here.  But then criticises the fact that I haven’t progressed.

    Any way  I would like advice please on how to confront them on my own without alienating them or destroying any relationship I have with my son and grandson.  I would love to have a good  relationship with my daughter in law but she seems to see me as a threat.   Her Mum is a bully and justifies any action her daughter takes.  Just to be clear I respect the fact that my son loves his wife and am actually very pleased he found some one to love.

    All I want from them is to keep the house tidy.  I am not the most house proud person on earth but it is my home.  And don’t even mind if they don’t clean but just pick up dropped food and tidy away toys and their stuff.  I will clean the house myself.  And I don’t want to have to ask for the rent money or feel guilty doing it.  But I don’t want to fall out either. They are welcome to stay here but not to make me feel like I am not wanted here.

    This situation is making me very sad.

    Thank you in advance for any advice x

    December 29, 2017 at 10:12 am #184349
    Lolly1324
    Participant

    Am I,being unreasonable

    December 29, 2017 at 10:51 am #184359
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  Lorraine:

    Your expectations of your daughter in law and son tidying the mess they create and paying the rent agreed on without your repeatedly requesting it are not unreasonable at all.

    You get to see your son and grandson because they are living with you. After they move out, it will be mostly up to your daughter in law, if and how often you will see your grandson. Unfortunately,  her attitude is not promising in this regard. Neither is your son’s attitude.

    It is a tough situation. If you are very submissive to your daughter in law, and become even more submissive, not asking her for rent (and therefore, I suppose, not receiving any rent), and not saying a word about the mess they create, not asking for anything from her… you still cannot guarantee that after they move out, you will be able to see your grandson often, if at all. No matter what you do, it doesn’t look good because her negative attitude toward you is already in place, has already been established, in her brain.

    Might as well assert yourself, decide on the few things you need: to not ask for rent every month, but instead for it to be handed to you on time. And for them to tidy the mess they create: you can give them specifics of what it means, like you did here. Be specific, clear. Not a good idea, I am thinking, to tell them that you feel bullied in your own home, unwanted, not appreciated, tired cleaning their mess etc.

    Just the facts, the specific expectations you have of them. Limit your assertion to these two expectation, or three, but not more. You may have to add that they will need to move out if they don’t respect your very reasonable expectations.

    I suggest you assert yourself with them using a tone of voice and facial expressions that are not aggressive, on one hand, and not apologetic, on the other.

    Asserting yourself is necessary for your well-being. It is the right thing for you to do and I hope it works out. Post again, anytime.

    anita

    December 29, 2017 at 10:59 am #184363
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Lorraine,

    No, I don’t think you are being unreasonable, but you are clearly being abused, very stressed, and emotionally abused. You were kind enough to offer your house, and they are clearly taking advantage of you, causing you misery when you have your own struggles. It is time for them to leave. Just tell them, you feel it is not a suitable living arrangement, and leave it at that. If they argue, or try to get your sympathy, just repeat over “this is not a suitable living arrangement, please find another place to live and give them a time frame. This may sound harsh, but it is nothing compared to how they are treating you..horribly. It needs to stop once and for all. They will not change. Give them a time frame to get their stuff out, and then change the locks. It will be awkward and uncomfortable, but would you rather have that then what they are putting you through now, day in and day out? It is time for them to learn the consequences of their actions. Keep us posted. x

    December 29, 2017 at 11:07 am #184357
    Scr3n74pR
    Participant

    Hello,

    You are not being unreasonable. These are adults living in your home. They should be able to stand on their own two feet and provide for themselves and not leech off of you. Just allowing them to live there is going above and beyond, however…I understand no one at that age wants to live at home IMO (unless they are just really into living at home). I’m sure they feel less than because they are dependent on you for support. Granted I am not excusing their actions, but I understand that they may be on edge and feel as if they have no privacy or space that they may want. The fix to this problem is them getting out of your home. This is a hard spot to be in but I feel that should they ever leave your home, the relationship between you all would improve. They are adults without being adult if that makes sense and I feel living with your parents at such an age keeps you in a teenage rebellion stage of relationship with your parent.

    Help them by perhaps not helping them so much. Don’t feel guilty for making them pay rent. Maybe refuse to drive them so much. They should be doing these things for themselves and they need to get their own place and stand on their own feet. Everyone else has to why can’t they?

    Good luck. I know it’s hard.

    December 29, 2017 at 2:05 pm #184389
    Lolly1324
    Participant

    Thank you all for your advice. Just need reassurance. Did ask them to respect my wishes  and it didn’t go well but all talking and being reasonable now.  Feel sick about whole,thing as He is my son and we were close,  And this makes them sound awful but I think a lack of communication between us contributes.  I am and will be more assertive from now on.   X

    December 29, 2017 at 4:38 pm #184375
    Lorelee
    Participant

    I was bullied in my home by a neighbour who, it turns out, has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I was literally “saved” by the NARP program developed by Melanie Tonia Evans.  If you google her name, she has a list of maybe 10 videos under the category: “How to reduce your susceptibility to narcissistic abuse – (topic)”.  These topics offer very specific information to deal with bullies, narcissistic or not.  In fact, I believe they are valuable to anyone who wants to learn to “self-partner” or “self-parent”.

    Melanie offers a free 16 day information/support process to help people identify whether they are being abused.  I highly recommend it.

    Alternatively, you can google the topic “Establishing Healthy Boundaries” and will find many options.  I find Teal Swan’s videos very specific.   Best wishes to you.

    December 30, 2017 at 4:29 am #184413
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Lorraine. Post again anytime, if you need or want to.

    anita

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