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Feeling aimless , depressed and alone need help please.

HomeForumsTough TimesFeeling aimless , depressed and alone need help please.

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  • #62766
    Manoj Thakur
    Participant

    How to overcome feeling lost, aimless, confused, and alone? Thirty years into my life, I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything, and I’m not sure how to go about achieving the things I want from where I am (physically, mentally, and emotionally) right now.

    Most days are an attempt to avoid dealing with the fact that I feel like I am a failure.

    I’m in my early 30’s, male, unemployed, and living with my father in southern Riverside county (CA, U.S.A.). I’ve had exactly one relationship in my life that lasted more than a few weeks (and she was very emotionally abusive). The others I can count on one hand.

    I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology, but now I feel like maybe I just got it because of external influences rather than a true desire to pursue any work in the field. It took me 11 years just to earn that degree. I spent most of my time post-high school in and out of community college. I don’t feel – nor have I ever felt – especially drawn towards any specific field of study. I find many things fascinating, but none so much that I feel like I want to dedicate my life to them.

    I am a chronic procrastinator. I put important things off until the very last possible moment that I could get them done. I was frequently late to my last job. I would often wait until the day of an exam to study for it. I have trouble finding the motivation to do things (even things that I find enjoyable), and I am very good at finding excuses. I’m not very good at making long-term plans and I’m worse at sticking to them. I fear that this is the result of over a decade spent in front of a computer screen. I fear that the nature of online interaction has shortened my attention span. I rarely read whole websites anymore. Instead, I often open new pages and they sit in my browser until they get closed or filed away.

    I used to be able to read a 400 page novel in a day or two. Now, it takes me months.

    Whenever I am away from a computer, I fear I’m missing something cool and/or some opportunity to socialize with people on Twitter or Facebook (and hopefully earn their acceptance/respect).

    I feel completely overwhelmed when I think of actually trying to read and critically process information from the various websites, blogs, books, and other media that I want or think I should take in.

    I have no truly local friends. My last local circle of friends broke apart years ago. They were all emotionally unhealthy in different ways, but they were all that I had. I have a loose group of acquaintances that I meet with weekly now but despite their attempts to reach out to me, I’ve resisted forming closer bonds with them because many seem set in their ways, and their ways are antithetical to what I think I want out of my life. I don’t want to let them make me complacent. And they all live 30 minutes or more away.

    There are other people I’d consider friends in my life but they all live far away. Some are in northern California. One is in Virginia; she’s moving back here next month, but she’ll still live an hour away. My oldest friend lives on the east coast. Another, who is probably my closest friend, lives in Texas and I’ve never even met her face-to-face; we’ve only ever communicated online and on the phone.

    Even among people who I should get along with, I feel left out because they tend to quote things or make other references to things that I’ve never read or seen or even heard of. Or they’ll reference things I have seen, but I won’t get the reference. My brain just doesn’t seem to work like that. Sometimes they’ll have long, drawn out, intelligent conversations on topics that I’m just passingly familiar with. It leaves me feeling very out-of-the-loop or behind the curve at best, and uncool and dumb at worst.

    Sometimes it seems like my brain doesn’t process things the same way most do.

    I feel like a jack of some trades, master of none.

    I’ve never had a large circle of friends, and I often feel like I have to constantly prove myself in any given group. At the same time, I highly resent and dislike people who are “too” popular/“cool” and who have hangers-on and yes-men/women surrounding them. The only time where I consistently feel at-home and among people who I can understand and relate to (and visa-versa) is in a scholastic setting. However, even that doesn’t guarantee anything. My entire university tenure (2 years) didn’t net me any long-standing friendships. Nor did any of my years at the community college. I am not a very social person, and though I’m usually open-minded, I can also be very judgmental and picky at times.

    For years, I’ve spent the vast majority of my time when I wasn’t obligated to be elsewhere seated in front of my computer. It’s a habit I picked up in junior high. I socialize a lot online.

    I resent living here. I’ve been in this small town for 20 years, and its been 10 since I moved back in with my father. It’s to the point now that I actively avoid interaction with him as much as possible. Seeing him, or even talking with him is the single most potent reminder that I’ve managed to accomplish very little with my life. Even little habits that he has annoy me, now.

    I’ve avoided looking for work as much as possible since being laid off over a year ago. Sometimes I tell myself its because I think I should be able to find something better than a retail or other service job. I have a degree now. That should count for something. Sometimes I tell myself its because I might go back to school. Honestly, it’s because going out and seeking a job would only likely depress me more and make me deal with the fear that I’ll end up stuck in this little town for the rest of my life. I want to get out of here. I want to move away. I want my own life. This is not where I thought I’d be at this point in my life.

    I fear failure. I also fear “growing up” and getting stuck in some boring job just to pay bills.

    My unemployment benefits will start running out sooner than later. I’m already behind on at least one student loan because Chase seems to be completely unforgiving of my situation. Add to that a couple of near-maxed out credit cards and a dwindling savings account.

    In my perfect life, I am a business men.

    I have tried a couple times to seek counseling, but both times I was met with someone who just wanted to deal with surface issues. They showed little or no interest in helping me deal with what seems to me to be a mix of low self-esteem, possibly depression, and some attention/concentration problems.

    I don’t know what to do with myself at this point.

    #62842
    winterfront89
    Participant

    Hey brother,
    You are not alone, there are several people that I know personally that are going through what you are experiencing right now.

    First, you need to address with love and compassion the big elephant in the room in your life, which is the feelings of inadequacy, I keep hearing the same story in your words, you keep playing in your head over and over that you’re not enough. This has to be addressed in your inner most heart with sincerity, without judgment or shame, you have to deal with yourself with complete love and self-acceptance.

    Second, start practicing happiness, by practicing gratefulness. There was a time in my life when i had nothing and I was where you are today. And let me save you the trouble and tell you that happiness does not come easy, IT IS A PRACTICE. A skill that has to be turned on and practiced every single day. I heard from somewhere, forgot who said it, that happiness does not come from getting a nice car or a degree happiness is directly generated by practicing gratefulness. For example, when you find yourself down and blue practice gratefulness by pointing out 2 to 3 things that you are feeling grateful for and I mean truly grateful, you could be grateful for your computer because it has provided you entertainment. You could be grateful for your working eyes that never fail you, or be grateful for your breath because it takes care of itself no matter what’s going on with you, it never forgets to breath no matter what you are going through. By doing this overtime you will start to see the difference. Overtime you will start to choose happiness instead of the current thoughts that keep filling your head with.

    The format goes like this, I am grateful for _______(what)___________, because_____(and then state your reason why you are grateful).

    Happiness should not be based on what kind of profession you have, what kind of house you have, what kind of state your living in, how much money you have or what you don’t have, all these kinds of thoughts are blinding you from the logical truth which is happiness has to be practiced it is a skill it doesn’t just happen naturally. It has to be practiced especially when shit hits the fan.

    The other thing is, you keep wanting self- acceptance from the outside world. You keep wanting to be a part of what’s out there. You want validation from the people around you and that’s why you keep hurting yourself mentally. And it will keep happening as long as you keep looking out there for validation and acceptance. You need to look inward and start with awareness addressing your habits of thought. It’s time for you to realize that this way of thinking does not make sense any more. You need to focus on accepting your-self and life. The validation you need to seek is from yourself. Before you make friends with someone else you need to make friends with yourself.

    The truth is what you need is knowledge. The truth will set you free. Read Dr. Wayne dyer’s books (check out his youtube videos do his morning AHHHH meditations, which you can find on youtube it changed my life). Read Pema chodron’s books, she deals with fear and procrastination. Brene Brown is also good she helps with shame and talks about great fullness. These people have changed my life, reading their material will help you understand your current condition and on how to improve. Also all these people can be found on youtube, take a look at their teachings. You will like reading their books because its easy to follow and will enlighten your current situation. You’ll even find yourself saying holy shit thats what i have been doing all this time, i need to change that!!!!

    Laslty if I said anything too harsh forgive me and I am sorry If I fully did not understand your situation.

    Wish you love brother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    #62844
    bill
    Participant

    Hi,

    I want to make you aware of some really wonderful facts.

    The first of these facts is that you have a lot of time to solve this problem (don’t waste it).
    You could easily have a decade or more to find a mate and start a family if that is what you desire. You could easily have 3 decades or more to get established in a career (or two careers). You could easily still be alive in 5 decades given modern health technology. If you are comparing yourself to others in their early 30’s remember that some of them may be in jobs or marriages they are not crazy about.

    The very best thing you can do is to try to grab hold of something that you are inspired about and see if you can make some creative plans around it. Getting into action will help whereas stressing over your “failure” will not help you.

    It may be that you have to deal with your depression first. Even so, bear in mind that you have the rest of you life and it is too early to pronounce yourself a failure. I am a generation older than you and I worry about the things I did not do and running out of time to do others. I love telling people in their 30s that time is on their side if they grab hold of it.

    The big thing you need to feel good about is that you are thinking about not wanting to waste your life at an early age. I would guess that a huge number of people do not do this. You may find that you need to go through some of the “boring” job experiences and other scaring stuff to get to something better. But if you care this much about being successful and not wasting your life, you won’t. Just make sure to keep taking thoughtful actions. Sitting still won’t get you anywhere. If you make a mistake you can correct it. That is how the greatest achievers do it.

    #62850
    Anonymous
    Participant

    I have found that I am able to act my way into better feeling rather than trying to think my way into better feeling. I find it helps to start my day off each day by making a Gratitude list. I list the things in my life I am grateful for. This action really helps me. I then try to follow the 4 Agreements (Be Impeccable with your Word / Don’t Take Anything Personally / Don’t Make Assumptions / Always Do Your Best). These actions make my days go differently and make me feel better.

    Basically our lives are actually great. We are totally blessed, I mean you did not indicate any major physical handicap. You have an excellent education. You have food and shelter.

    #62908
    BenzRabbit
    Participant

    Hi Manoj,

    Here is the first thing that stood out in your post: “I feel like I am a failure”

    Yet, this is something else you stated: “I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology”. Bro, just having a degree puts you way ahead of most people on this planet !

    Your situation/feelings are a combination of several factors which include not having a job/income, not having a relationship/wife/friends, and living with your father which has led you to being depressed and alone.

    First step would be to do what you love (as a profession) and take action towards establishing an income – begin with this and other pieces will start coming together. You need to do this before your financial situation gets worse !

    Do not worry about a relationship for now – you have your life ahead of you. When you are ready, the right person will come along !!

    Here are links to two websites that will help you decide which career path you should take:
    http://www.careertest.net/
    http://www.quizrocket.com/career-quiz

    GOD Bless and good luck !

    #63043
    Manoj Thakur
    Participant

    Thank you @Winterfront89 for giving me such a nice advice and suggesting me some wonderful books.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Manoj Thakur.
    #63045
    Manoj Thakur
    Participant

    Thank you @Bill your words gave me a feeling of some freedom n some relief. I am very grateful that I met with some wonderful people.

    #63046
    Manoj Thakur
    Participant
    #63066
    Bill
    Participant

    Hi Manoj,

    I have received an automatic post by Tiny Buddha that someone mentioned me in a post. Then I saw that there is another bill on tinybuddha who actually gave you his advice, and I agree with him 🙂 Once I am here, however, I will add something: Never, ever say that you are a failure. Because even if you want to be – you cannot. Everything in this universe has its own purpose and nothing is a coincidence. We define failure as a state in which one compares himself to certain predefined norms of life. But who is to define anything? Why people try to always “fit in” and when they do not they define themselves as a failure? In fact, when you do not “fit” you are a step further than the rest. Because, you stopped and said – I am doing something “wrong”. That is a huuge step toward who you actually are. And as they mentioned before, you cannot know who you are without knowing who you are not. Time is illusion and mentioning of how old are you has nothing to do with this. So how to go out of it? By doing NOTHING, but ACCEPTING that state as something natural. Because, as I have said, your soul wants you to know that a change is to follow your life and you need to welcome it. But you need to stop “wonder around” and worry. The more you worry, the more you postpone the time when this beautiful change will happen. Worries stop the universe to unfold in front of yourself.
    In a book called ,,Conversation with God” the author was also a person who felt as a failure, in the end to become a best selling one – you may want to read it as well.

    From my personal experience when I am not happy with something, I say “what the f..k, then I go and enjoy to maximum. The solution appears very soon after.

    #63146
    Manoj Thakur
    Participant

    Hi Bill,

    I thank you that you manage some time to respond to my problem and thanks for giving me a reference of such a great book “Conversation with God” I listened to this book and I am feeling amazing (Thank you ). One thing I came to know that everything happens for a reason ,I wrote your name “Bill”at a place of “bill” was not coincidence there was a great reason.

    Thank you @Bill and @bill

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