Dear Anil,

I feel so guilty and ashamed because I confessed to a married woman and it made our friendship awkward.

First, don’t feel guilty because although she wasn’t officially divorced, she was separated from her husband. She even had a boyfriend after her separation, with whom she broke up. All that happened before you even met her:

she was separated from her husband (she was a victim of domestic abuse, so she left her husband but never divorced him). She had a boyfriend after moving away from her husband and they broke up soon (This happened before I met her)

So when you met her, she wasn’t in a relationship with anybody, so you weren’t trying to steal her away from anyone. You confessed your feelings, because you fell in love with her, and you didn’t make any mistake by doing that.

Where you probably made a mistake is that you couldn’t accept her rejection and you did something that hurt her:

I fell so hard for her and I confessed to her after 6 months, she denied it politely. I couldn’t accept the rejection and avoided her on purpose because I know I would end up getting hurt again and would hurt her in the process of making her love me back.

After my confession, I just couldn’t bear the pain and I became so toxic towards both of them and hurt them both. I stopped talking to them or meeting them anymore.

May I ask what have you done to hurt her? Did you just avoid her (and that male friend of yours), or there was something else you’ve done, which you think is toxic behavior?

You say you had a similar experience with another woman 7 years ago. She too rejected you but you couldn’t accept it, so you say you ended up hurting her:

A part of me wanted her but I know it couldn’t happen no matter how hard I tried, I ended up hurting the woman I loved and myself.

How have you hurt her?

I have been running around in circles looking for love or approval, but it never happens. … I would like to know what can I do now to make my life and people around me better.

It seems there’s been a pattern of unrequited love: you loving someone and yearning for their love, but them not loving you back. We have such deep yearning usually when we don’t really love ourselves, and we believe we need someone to fulfill us. To give us the love we desperately need. It’s very likely related to your childhood and perhaps feeling unlovable?

Dear Anil,

you’re very welcome.

The toxic behaviour was I blamed them for my unhappiness. I did not abuse either of the women physically or verbally but I texted them mean words, avoided them and stopped talking to them

I see… so you said something mean to them, you blamed them for your unhappiness, and then you stopped contact. Yeah, I mean, it wasn’t nice, but it’s understandable – it was pain and hurt speaking from you, and this was your way to express your anger.

I believe that a lot of your current pain and suffering is related to your childhood, because you said you didn’t really have any emotional support, and you grew up exposed to your parents fighting all the time:

My childhood was not good to be honest, it was okay. My parents would always have constant fights and arguments in the house which gave me a bit of trauma and no emotional support.

In such an environment, without tenderness, care and gentle feelings, the child feels terrified. Also, the child feels unseen and unimportant, because the parents don’t care about him, don’t pay attention to him, but are preoccupied with hurting one another. The child’s emotional needs are unmet, even if his physical and material needs are met. So even if your parents provided for you and enabled you good education, it seems they still failed in providing what is most important: emotional care and support.

I think that’s why you are in such a dire need to be loved and cared for. And that’s why you tend to “latch onto a person, hoping I would find happiness.” The child in you has those key emotional needs unmet, and he is looking to have them met by another person, i.e. a romantic interest. At least this is my assumption. How does it sound to you? Does it sound plausible?

Dear Anil,

I don’t know why I was always under the assumption that a romantic interest would understand me and fix me but I don’t think its a feasible solution to achieve happiness.

That’s actually very common – our romantic relationships are a mirror of the relationship with our parents. And in our romantic relationships we try to get what he haven’t received from our parents. In your case, you craved that someone would love you, care for you and understand you, because you haven’t received that from your parents.

But you’re right, it’s not a feasible solution to achieve happiness, because even if we were to find a super caring person, that emotional wound and the sense of lack that we’ve experienced in childhood would still be in us, and it would never be enough. When there’s a wound inside, it’s like a bottomless pit – it cannot get filled, even if someone is trying their best to love us and care for us.

That’s why the solution is to heal that wound first, to give ourselves what we were lacking in childhood. And that’s when you won’t be so needy in a relationship, but will be able to love and care for yourself better. As a result, you’ll also have a different dynamic with girls, you won’t be so needy, and you’ll be able to have a healthy relationship.

the last couple of months have been terrible, I caged myself in an endless pain and suffering with alcohol, cannabis and cigarettes (Currently, I’m sober for a month and I feel a bit better) . I’m doing a bit better now with good sleep, food, meditation and mindfulness.

Glad you’re doing better now and taking care of yourself better! But yes, addiction is a typical way of soothing our pain. I believe that every addiction is about soothing or numbing the pain of our inner child… If you can get in touch with that inner child and meet his unmet emotional needs (the best would be with the help of therapy), you can be free from addiction too. And other issues too, such as low self-esteem.

Have you considered therapy? Do you have access to it?

Dear Anil,

I am glad you’re feeling better at the moment and are practicing self-help. However, bad feelings might return, as you said it yourself:

I’m reading books and trying meditation it does help me for certain time but it doesn’t take away how I feel about everything.

It’s normal that if we suffer from childhood trauma, the problem is deeper and we often need another person or people to help us. We can’t pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps. We need support.

It’s also understandable that you don’t want to talk about these things with your friends and family (I kept these things discrete from most of my friends and family.) That’s why a therapist might be a good idea. In any case, it’s good that you have access to therapy, should you need it.

I know that I have been immature sometimes but I’m learning to be mindful, mature and decisive. I’m also spending my time on career as I never did before.

Excellent! I do wish you continued success. If you happen to feel down again, please know that you don’t need to do it alone – there is help and with good counseling, you can get permanently better. Wishing you all the best!

You’re welcome, Anil. If you need help in the future, feel free to post again!