Home→Forums→Relationships→Feeling guilty and trying to forgive myself
- This topic has 7 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 9 months ago by
Rebecca Jones.
-
AuthorPosts
-
October 20, 2014 at 2:32 am #66499
John
ParticipantHello TB, this is my first post and apologies in advance for the length but I feel getting this off my chest will help!
I am madly in love with my girlfriend who I have been with for 17 months. I worship the ground she walks on and would never do her wrong or hurt her. We are to move in together soon to save for a mortgage together.
I was on a night out with some friends this weekend and stupidly and mistakenly kissed, but nothing more, another girl. I was under the influence of alochol but this is not an excuse nor justifying my actions. I am not a problem drinker.
The shame I felt immediately afterwards caused me to travel all the way home in tears, and to cut myself several times with a kitchen knife when I got home. I couldn’t believe what I had done.
I have spoken to free helplines and friends and family, whose advice has all been to take this mistake to my grave, and not burden my girlfriend unnecessarily by telling her just to assuage my guilt. Yesterday evening I took some advice and wrote down how the event made me feel and burnt the paper it was on. I am feeling slightly better this morning than I did immediately afterwards, but I dsperately want to rid myself of this guilt, as right now I consider myself little more than pond-life scum.
Apologies again for the length of the post but thank you if you have read this and have any advice.
October 20, 2014 at 5:06 am #66512Inky
ParticipantIf I was your girlfriend I’d be more horrified by you cutting yourself than giving some stranger a sloppy drunken kiss! Seriously.
I think you’ve done all you could. Blame it on the Spirit of Alcohol. Why do you think they call it “spirits”? Because alcohol makes you say and do things you would never do! I truly believe it is spirits, and not “you” at all! Ever gone into a bar or a liquor store and felt that “Ewg” feeling? I can’t go to those places without it being like a sock in the gut. By the way I do intuitive work of all kinds and let’s just leave it at that.
If you must tell your girlfriend, do so and tell her you’re swearing off alcohol for the rest of your life. If you don’t want to do that, then don’t burden her.
-
This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by
Inky.
October 20, 2014 at 12:13 pm #66518jeena
ParticipantTHe best way is to vow to never drink again as you are not responsible enough to handle it. If you can do that, then there is no need to tell her what you did. But if you can’t avoid alcohol, then it is best you tell her. She has a right know who you really are. And just like Inky said, it’s more concerning that you cut yourself than kissing someone. I realize you feel guilt but that is not a good way to deal with problems.
October 20, 2014 at 2:56 pm #66522Sann
ParticipantI don’t know if you should tell her, i’m not so good with relations to know what’s best.
But just like Inky and Jeena, i’m also concerned about the cutting.
I’m wondering, if this is the first time that this happened?
And what do you think of it yourself, what the causes are why it happened?I’m glad to read, that you do realise that feeling guilty and blaming yourself, are not helping you at all, and that they are the problem.
It’s important to work on those feelings and on these negative reactions towards yourself, because they might not go away by themselves. It can be easy to get into the habit of keep doing the same, which is not going to be good for you, so please look for ways to work on it now, instead of letting it build up more and more.
Because, between the lines, i think i read that you have a low self-esteem, do you find that the case?October 20, 2014 at 8:20 pm #66538Matt
ParticipantJohn,
We all make mistakes, friend. No need to feel so low, we all do dumb stuff. Next time, instead of cutting, when you feel emotional ick try placing your hands on your forehead, breathe and repeat “I forgive everyone”. Give it back, let it go, you don’t need it.
With warmth,
MattOctober 20, 2014 at 9:21 pm #66540Joanne
ParticipantHi John,
I understand the awful feeling of regret. It can really eat at you, physically. In Terms of your actions why don’t you ask: How will this benefit her? The reason I ask this is because you are so morally aware of your actions which is why I don’t think you need to go further with hurting yourself. I don’t support dishonesty but I can’t bell
But wonder how this would benefit anyone at this point. My response would be different if you were ony asking how to cover it up instead of your feelings as evidenced. You know what you did wrong so have to let it go. from what you describe- a kiss- seems like you’d scare her more than what really happened (sex etc). She wouldn’t see your emotional admission and hurt as you’ve expressed herE- just the admission of kiss. Be mindful of alcohol and give yourself a break. Dare I say it, might be blessing in disguise as you see how important she is to you but also that you have to consider sobriety and maybe some help for the cutting.November 13, 2014 at 12:44 pm #67779jeena
ParticipantHey John
I hope you are feeling a little bit better? I know my post came across a bit harsh so I wanted to let you know that I do think you do deserve forgiveness and that this is not deserving of you physically harming yourself. What did you decide to do if you don’t mind me asking?
November 14, 2014 at 3:10 pm #67845Rebecca Jones
ParticipantDear John, first of all I agree with inky that it is more horrifying that you cut yourself than kissed someone else, and I’m sure your girlfriend would think so too! Please do not ever harm yourself again.
I understand you feel very guilty but realize that nobody is perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. You do, I do, your girlfriend does, everybody. If everyone was perfect life would be pretty boring!
You didn’t intend to hurt your girlfriend, you were a little drunk and slipped up. It’s not the end of the world… forgive yourself.
By forgiving yourself you might think “oh well if I forgive myself for this, that means I’m condoning this bad behavior”… not true.
It shows more strength to forgive than to hold a grudge and keep beating yourself up about this. Try to accept the fact that you made a mistake, it’s okay to feel bad about it for a little, but learn to let it go and be grateful.
Hope this helped. -
This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by
-
AuthorPosts