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feeling insecure

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  • December 8, 2018 at 10:36 pm #268433
    Nazar
    Participant

    i have been dating a girl for 4 months now, i still do not know what is the status between her and her ex.

    she clearly said that she has lost her ex ( 2 years relationship) as a lover but she doesnt want to lose him as a friend. in the third month in our relationship she met her ex ( she communicated the meeting with me befoerhand) as he messaged her, he tried to win her back but she told him that she is not interested anymore however she did not tell him that she is seein someone else, this makes me insecure.

    i am not a jelous type of a guy but the doubts and over thinking is killing me, how can an ex ( lover) be a friend ?

    thank you all

    December 9, 2018 at 5:58 am #268445
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nazar:

    If she is your girlfriend, has agreed to a committed, monogamous love relationship with you, then she  shouldn’t be friends with an ex boyfriend unless she has a child or children with him who need  to be  co-parented, or the two of them have  property together that  needs  to be managed or sold, or the two of them are work associates who see each other daily or occasionally as work colleagues. If there is  nothing that connects them in these or similar ways, a friendship with him is not congruent with a  relationship with you, I believe.

    He is trying to resume a love relationship with her and she is not interested. This by itself makes a friendship impossible, one person interested in more, and the other not interested.

    She didn’t tell him she has a boyfriend. A friend tells a friend that she  has a   boyfriend.

    If I was you, I would question her about the nature of the friendship she thinks she has with him or hopes to have with him, why she needs or wants such/ what  is her motivation. If you ask her and want to share her answer here, please do and I will give you more of my input.

    anita

     

    December 9, 2018 at 7:49 am #268453
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Nazar,

    Not telling him that she has a boyfriend when she does is a major red flag here.

    Why does “I’m not interested” sound better than “I have a boyfriend”? Maybe it does (to her). Maybe she needs this other guy to know that the decision is coming from her. THEN she’ll tell him about you. Maybe if she told him about you right away he wouldn’t take you (or her) seriously?

    In any case, she cares way too much about what he thinks. OR you two aren’t as serious as you think you are.

    Best,

    Inky

    December 10, 2018 at 9:41 am #268701
    Nazar
    Participant

    Thank you both for your feedback, it feels good to see there are still people who care for others.

    I have spoken to her and her feedback was tbe following:

    As per her she is independent and can walk away from an ex without using her new boyfriend as an excuse.

    She still wants to have her ex as a friend and she is assuring me that she has no more feelings towards him, and she is happy with me.

    she doesnt want to cutt her ex out of her life even if this is going to risk our ( current) relationship.

    I am confused wether i trust her and continue or break up with her.

    I really see some potential in this relationship.

    FYI i am 30 years old and she is 29, her ex is 49!

    Than you all

     

     

    December 10, 2018 at 9:52 am #268703
    Valora
    Participant

    I think the bottom line here is either you trust what she tells you or you don’t. If you don’t think you can trust her, the relationship won’t last no matter what you do, whether she’s trustworthy or not, because the insecurity you feel will eventually drive a wedge in the relationship.

    Speaking as an independent female myself, I am friends with most of my ex’s. I would not want to be with anyone that would ask that I cut one or all of them out of my life because, for one, that would basically be him telling me who I can or cannot talk to, which I would not at all appreciate, and, for two, I truly have no residual feelings for the ones that I still talk to, so there’s no reason for anyone to feel threatened by them.

    If your girlfriend’s ex is trying to get her back and she is refusing, I would believe what she says. If she wanted to be with him, it’s clear that she could, but she is choosing to be with you.

    December 10, 2018 at 11:36 am #268723
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nazar:

    You are welcome.

    You wrote: “As per her she is independent and can walk away from an ex without using her new boyfriend as an excuse”-

    So she is expressing her independence of him by hiding  the fact that she  has a boyfriend from him so that he doesn’t think that her decision to not have a relationship with him is based on a boyfriend influence on her, and she is expressing her independence  from you by letting you know she is going to keep that friendship no matter your response… and she has been involved with a  man so much older than her, 49, twenty years older.

    I am wondering if she is stuck in asserting her independence from her parents- it can be an ongoing limbo situation, her projecting her  parent/s into the man in her life and then … rebelling against the supposed authority of the  man who is a representative of her parent.

    Do you know anything about her relationships with her parents, past and present?

    anita

    December 10, 2018 at 12:40 pm #268751
    Valora
    Participant

    Anita, is it fair to assume she’s “hiding” the fact that she has a boyfriend or did she just not mention it? I think there is a difference.  One is deceitful and the other is just leaving out information that isn’t necessary for whatever reason.  If she does not want to be with her ex, it wouldn’t matter whether she has a boyfriend or not, so that information is irrelevant when it comes to her interest (or lack thereof) in the ex.

    December 10, 2018 at 1:27 pm #268769
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear Valora:  I think it is not a good idea for  a member replying to a thread to challenge replies by others members. Better present or present again your own position without challenging members for replies  you disagree with. For direct  communication with me, I will be glad to participate in at least some debates you might bring up if you start your own thread.

    anita

    December 10, 2018 at 1:59 pm #268783
    Valora
    Participant

    I apologize. I didn’t mean it as a challenge and was more asking about clarification on your thoughts, but I do disagree with your thought on it not being a good idea to challenge other members’ replies. If a statement could lead a person to think negatively in a way that might not be true or necessary, wouldn’t that be important to point out in the thread so that the original poster (or other readers going through similar situations) could consider that as well?

    In the future, though, if my opinion differs from yours specifically, I will direct my concerns toward the original poster rather than mentioning you by name or will PM you if that makes more sense in the context. I am only responding here because you responded here rather than sending me a direct message.

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