Hi!

Sorry, I don’t know if this is the right forum to post it on. Also, sorry if this is a huge incoherent mess because I think I’m still in the process of trying to figure this all out myself.

I feel like a fraud; I think I pretend to be nice, so people can like me. Also, I think I am secretly very manipulative…. like more than a few people told me that I say sorry a lot, but I feel that’s only for my own benefit. Not only do I say sorry/be polite to get people to like me more, but I think I also say that word so that I would be let off a bit more easily in situations where I get in trouble. Holy cow, now that felt a little horrible to type out, BUT I THINK IT’S TRUE. I say sorry, but I don’t actually feel sorry at all. Sometimes, I do feel guilty though. I feel like nothing I say or do is genuine and that I’ve always been stuck in my head overthinking. I think trying to be nice started in junior high when I felt like I was too mean and arrogant, and I wanted to change myself so I could be nicer to other people. Now (I’m in uni now), I just feel like I’m too inauthentic.

Trying to be authentic is scary though, as I don’t think I like my real self at all. I don’t like the way I act, and I think I’m trying the fake it till I make it strategy, but I think I’m getting even further away from my goal. Furthermore, I don’t want other people to see it either. Actually, I don’t even know if what I’m saying here is true either, and that I’m trying to trick myself into believing I don’t like my real self when in reality, I do. Searching this up, I think I am a huge covert narcissist; I think I try to appear shy, humble, or anxious but underneath it all, I’m selfish and manipulative. Although I have social anxiety, in high school, I do think I have become a fake ‘shy, humble, or anxious’ person. I continuously present this image. Before though, in junior high and perhaps the first year of high school, I used to put on a cold, stoic mask so other people won’t see how I really feel inside. I would pretend that words don’t affect me, but I would always think back on them later, thinking that I should change and better myself.

Nowadays, I still think I have this mask, but it’s less apparent now. I feel as if I began thinking that others are in the wrong and I am in the right, making me a victim? Oh my god, that sounds horrible, too. I definitely think that that is the wrong mindset to have.

Typing this out made me remember something! I don’t know if this is relevant information but it could be? When I volunteered at a recreational facility back in high school, I would always cry when another fellow volunteer complimented me, specifically saying something like,”You’re a nice person!” Also, another random tidbit that may or may not help, I felt more like myself when volunteering there, talking with other volunteers and playing with the kids. I feel like I won’t get judged too much? Though I still felt that I was being fake-nice. Why does this happen?