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Feeling Like a Fraud

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 month ago.

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  • #312677

    Nicky
    Participant

    Hi!

    Sorry, I don’t know if this is the right forum to post it on. Also, sorry if this is a huge incoherent mess because I think I’m still in the process of trying to figure this all out myself.

    I feel like a fraud; I think I pretend to be nice, so people can like me. Also, I think I am secretly very manipulative…. like more than a few people told me that I say sorry a lot, but I feel that’s only for my own benefit. Not only do I say sorry/be polite to get people to like me more, but I think I also say that word so that I would be let off a bit more easily in situations where I get in trouble. Holy cow, now that felt a little horrible to type out, BUT I THINK IT’S TRUE. I say sorry, but I don’t actually feel sorry at all. Sometimes, I do feel guilty though. I feel like nothing I say or do is genuine and that I’ve always been stuck in my head overthinking. I think trying to be nice started in junior high when I felt like I was too mean and arrogant, and I wanted to change myself so I could be nicer to other people. Now (I’m in uni now), I just feel like I’m too inauthentic.

    Trying to be authentic is scary though, as I don’t think I like my real self at all. I don’t like the way I act, and I think I’m trying the fake it till I make it strategy, but I think I’m getting even further away from my goal. Furthermore, I don’t want other people to see it either. Actually, I don’t even know if what I’m saying here is true either, and that I’m trying to trick myself into believing I don’t like my real self when in reality, I do. Searching this up, I think I am a huge covert narcissist; I think I try to appear shy, humble, or anxious but underneath it all, I’m selfish and manipulative. Although I have social anxiety, in high school, I do think I have become a fake ‘shy, humble, or anxious’ person. I continuously present this image. Before though, in junior high and perhaps the first year of high school, I used to put on a cold, stoic mask so other people won’t see how I really feel inside. I would pretend that words don’t affect me, but I would always think back on them later, thinking that I should change and better myself.

    Nowadays, I still think I have this mask, but it’s less apparent now. I feel as if I began thinking that others are in the wrong and I am in the right, making me a victim? Oh my god, that sounds horrible, too. I definitely think that that is the wrong mindset to have.

    Typing this out made me remember something! I don’t know if this is relevant information but it could be? When I volunteered at a recreational facility back in high school, I would always cry when another fellow volunteer complimented me, specifically saying something like,”You’re a nice person!” Also, another random tidbit that may or may not help, I felt more like myself when volunteering there, talking with other volunteers and playing with the kids. I feel like I won’t get judged too much? Though I still felt that I was being fake-nice. Why does this happen?
    <div data-reddit-rtjson=”{"entityMap":{},"blocks":[{"key":"93osh","text":"I don’t know if this is relevant information but it could be? When I volunteered at a recreational facility back in high school, I would always cry when another fellow volunteer complimented me, specifically saying something like,\"You’re a nice person!\" Also, another random tidbit that may or may not help, I felt more like myself when volunteering there, talking with other volunteers and playing with the kids. I feel like I won’t get judged too much? Though I still felt that I was being fake-nice. Why does this happen?","type":"unstyled","depth":0,"inlineStyleRanges":[],"entityRanges":[],"data":{}},{"key":"bhf9s","text":"Okay, I’m just gonna stop right here.","type":"unstyled","depth":0,"inlineStyleRanges":[],"entityRanges":[],"data":{}},{"key":"4koi1","text":"Thanks in advance!","type":"unstyled","depth":0,"inlineStyleRanges":[],"entityRanges":[],"data":{}}]}”>
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    <div class=”public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr” data-offset-key=”b904e-0-0″><span data-offset-key=”b904e-0-0″>Okay, I’m just gonna stop right here. Posting this makes me feel a little nervous for some reason….</span></div>
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    </div>
    <div class=”” data-block=”true” data-editor=”e5be57″ data-offset-key=”d2bch-0-0″>
    <div class=”public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr” data-offset-key=”d2bch-0-0″><span data-offset-key=”d2bch-0-0″>Thanks in advance!</span></div>
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    #312687

    Grenada
    Participant

    It just seems like you’re compulsing more than anything . I think if you can kind of calm your anxiety you will feel better.

    I can’t imagine a narcissist actually admitting to be one or being so self conscious …

    But all in all narcissist are just people who are really hurt and insecure . So, maybe if you dive deeper into the root of your behavior , you can begin to start truly feeling how you feel.

    #312745

    Peter
    Participant

    I suspect that everyone at sometime in their lives feels this way. There is this idea in phycology called ‘persona’. A persona is a kind of mask we put on as we interact with other. Persona’s are not fake. While at work one would not put on the persona of Husband, Wife, Brother, Sister, Son, Daughter…  that would just be weird.

    When we first become aware that we have persona’s, masks, roles to play, its natural to wonder, oh I must be fake.

    In Buddhist teaching we are reminded that we are not our persona’s. we are not there role we take on, we are our emotions, we are not our thoughts…  It is however when we over identify with a specific persona, emotion, thought that we are not being real.

    For example, ‘I am a businessman’ Everything I see and do comes through perspective of the businessman. When I succeed in business, I’m good, when I fail, I’m bad. You can see how that is going to be problematic especially when the ‘businessman’ needs to relate to others as perhaps Father, Son, Lover, Friend…. The role of businessman is not fake. Its just not appropriate when relating to a partner.

    Anyway, you’re are a point where your noticing the various roles you have with the realization that you are not your roles. This is understandably uncomfortable, but not fake. It is through our roles and interactions with others that we learn about ourselves.

    My advice for what its worth is to pay attention, play a bit with the roles you take on, what fits, what doesn’t fit, what is helpful what is not.? Are you over identified by a role taken on? If so why?

    As you discover this thing that is you, be kind

    #312787

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nicky:

    You say sorry not because you are sorry (“I don’t actually feel sorry at all”), but because you are afraid (“so that I would be let off a bit more easily in situations where I get in trouble”).

    “I feel like nothing I say or do is genuine and that I’ve always been stuck in my head overthinking”- this  means that you life is focused on thinking, not on feeling, that your thinking brain is occupied but your heart is empty of your presence, so.. no wonder nothing you say or do feels emotionally genuine or authentic.

    “I think I try to appear shy, humble, or anxious but underneath it all, I’m selfish and manipulative”- you are focused on how you appear to others, “being fake-nice”,  because you want them to like you and you don’t want them to hurt you., to get “judged too much” by others.

    The real authentic you is a person who wants to be liked and who is afraid of being disapproved of. This is a real authentic part of all of us humans.

    Has anyone in your life- so far- consistently liked you and approved of you?

    anita

     

     

     

    #313509

    Nicky
    Participant

    Thank you so much for the replies, Grenada, Peter and Anita! I’ll keep in mind about calming the anxiety and accepting the personas. Maybe if I begin to accept the personas, I can tone down the feeling of anxiety that came along with them. Just like what Peter said, I’ll try to learn more about myself when analyzing how my own personas come into play in interactions with other people.

    For the last question of the last reply, I don’t think I show enough of myself in order for anybody to truly like and give approval of…. I think maybe some approve of me, but only the part that I show them…

    #313547

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nicky:

    I asked you: “Has anyone in your life- so far- consistently liked you and approved of you?”

    Your answer: “I don’t think I show enough of myself in order for anybody to truly like and give approval of… I think maybe some approve of me, but only the part that I show them”-

    -you must have observed babies and young children, and noticed how they don’t show only this or that part of themselves, they show  everything- nothing is hidden. Same is true for you when you were a baby and a young child.

    Someone disapproved of that young child and then he hid parts of himself.

    Who was that someone?

    anita

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