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Feeling lost and confused

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  • October 4, 2018 at 1:25 pm #229069
    sunbeams
    Participant

    Hey – my fiancé left me 11 days ago. I feel like my whole world is upside down. Before he left he kept saying he didn’t like the person he was becoming and he was losing himself and insists it’s not me. I know this is a good reason to leave a relationship. I miss him so much it hurts. I’m not begging and pleading for him back because I know that when someone already feels lost this will only make them feel worse also I care about my self worth enough to know that’s not good for me either. He said I can’t see this now but what he is doing is giving us the best chance to make it MAYBE one day. I know I have to let him go and just work on me and get back to a place where things don’t feel so turbulent. It’s just so hard without him. We ended an engagement – how could we even get back to a place where we may work things out? What does that even look like? I know all the insight will come with time and I have to be patient. He still calls me and paid some of my bills this month, but I’m sure if that’s from the guilt of leaving or if he is trying to take care of me.  I guess it’s a little of both.  I’ve never been this afraid in my life, to just leave it up to the universe. I’m not trying to control anything or be too needy, this is just so hard, our lives were so intertwined. Please let me know your thoughts, or offer any feedback or advice. Thank you

    October 5, 2018 at 5:11 am #229153
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi sunbeams,

    You are doing GREAT (considering)!!

    You are so wise not to chase after him. GOOD. This is the best way for him to “get real” with his own thoughts and second guess his decision. He might have been half expecting you to chase after him. But you’re not. Keep it up!! If he comes back (they always do in some way) you DO have a shot!

    I know you’re not ready to hear this right now, but maybe at the beginning of the New Year dust yourself off a little and start dating again. When he sees you dating other people, taking him at his word, and moving on with your life, he will REALLY re-evaluate his decision and THIRD guess himself.

    Good Luck!!

    Inky

    October 5, 2018 at 7:22 am #229181
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sunbeams:

    “he was losing himself and insists it’s not me”- but you were there in the relationship. If he lost himself in the relationship, then you had a part in it. People say: “it’s not you”, and sometimes it is true. But often it is said to make the other person feel better, to make the other person not angry with the one leaving.

    What I would do if I was you hearing him say that, is ask him: tell me how you lost yourself, what do you mean by it?

    And then he said that “MAYBE” that you typed in big letters. I would have asked him about that maybe as well. In what circumstances would that maybe apply, I would have asked him. That Maybe, that is also a word people say when breaking up, so to make the one broken with not angry with the one who ended the relationship. Keep you hoping, therefore, not angry.

    It is a good thing you didn’t beg him, of course. But ask him questions. You deserve honest answers, this way you will not be “lost and confused”. You will have the information you need to figure out what to do next.

    The phrase “It’s not you” and the word Maybe feel good, postponing the anger and grief of an ended relationship, but they prevent you from understanding what happened!

    anita

    October 5, 2018 at 9:38 am #229165
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    This must be an incredibly difficult time for you. I don’t know what to say in a way, because relationships are so complex and only you know the intimate every day details. At the end of the day, it’s about figuring out what is right and healthy for you. If you feel your happiness lies with trying to work it out with your ex fiance, then that’s the way forward if you genuinely believe you are both approaching it with mutual respect and love. Perhaps therapy is an option, because I feel people have no idea what sorts of mindsets have led them to where they now are in life. If you decide that the indecision on his part of killing you and hurting you further, then it is time for you to try and survive without him, including no contact. It’s been 11 days which is no time at all really, although I’m sure it feels like an eternity for you, but perhaps a frank conversation about bills etc might shed some more light on where this is going or may help design a plan moving forward. My heart really goes out to you xx

     

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