April 30, 2022 at 12:36 pm #399120
I am aware that my performance should not be the main factor for being liked or accepted as human being. I am more than what I have and can. For me it is also difficult to pad myself on my shoulder for doing something great like achieving a goal or put myself in a unknown situation that scares me.
I could gain good experience to trust people. That is something that gives me the courage to do it again and again. It was and still is hard to trust people. But I learnt on my way that dwelling on a situation that doesn’t occur yet, doesn’t help. There will always be risks that something will not work out and will hurt me. But the regret not trying will hurt more than taking the jump into the cold water with the possibility to get a good experience. The thought to always have the possibility to remove myself from a situation or to walk away helps me to trust myself. And I also think that time will tell if people, who I newly meet and trying to keep in touch, want to be friends or not. I still fear judgements of others and the risk that people could let me down. But trying to balance out the feeling with the thought that I will always stand by myself no matter what happens outside of me, help me to get going even if I feel bad about myself.
SeshaApril 30, 2022 at 12:49 pm #399121
“I am aware that my performance should not be the main factor for being liked or accepted as human being. I am more than what I have and can” – tell me about the part of Sesha that is more than what she has and can do, the part of Sesha that is good and lovely and beautiful, will you?
anitaMay 1, 2022 at 1:31 pm #399314
That is difficult… Even if the weekend was really fun and I really enjoyed the time, I don’t really know who I am that is more than what I have or can. Now in this moment I unfortunately feel “those feelings” again. I’m going to try to think about it tomorrow with a clearer head.
May 1, 2022 at 1:46 pm #399316
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by Sesha.
Yesterday you wrote: “I am aware that my performance should not be the main factor for being liked or accepted as human being. I am more than what I have and can“. Today, you wrote: “I don’t really know who I am that is more than what I have or can (do)” –
– you intellectually (as in 2-dimensionally) know that you are more than your performance, but emotionally (as in 3-dimensionally), you don’t know who you are beyond your performance.
You are more than your performance. I know it intellectually and emotionally, and I am sure of it. I hope you feel better soon.
anitaMay 2, 2022 at 3:30 pm #399400
You brought it to the point. I am able to rationalize that I am more than my performance, but emotionally I don’t believe it.
Outside of my performance I am a person with a multifaceted personality. I can be calm and I like to be in the comfort of the familiar. But if I want I can also be funny, daring and adventurous. When seeking something new and exciting to break the cycle of boredom or routine, I reach out for new people and new experiences to discover other sides of my personality and interests. Even if I am a person of habit I like change in life. I like to be open minded for other perspectives and world views that can also help to reshape my opinions and reevaluate my values in a way that I think will do good for me and others. I am someone who deeply cares for people who I trust and feel connected with. Because I experienced how it feels to be disrespected, an outsider and be let down by others, therefore I care a lot not to do the same things to others. The past made me more sensitive towards uncertainty, closeness, trust and social conflicts, but on the same time I got access to a spectrum of emotions that make me also a more empathic and understandable person. The difficulties as a student, unwanted movings to other cities, leaving friends unwanted behind and the forced changes to become more resilient in every aspect of life, made me a more adaptable, humble and self-determined person.
SeshaMay 2, 2022 at 6:06 pm #399408
I want to re-read your latest post when I am more focused and reply further, but for now, this caught my attention:
“I reach out for new people and new experiences” – I didn’t know that about you… can you give me examples???
anitaMay 3, 2022 at 10:25 am #399436
“I can be calm… I can also be funny, daring and adventurous… I reach out for new people and new experiences to discover… open minded to other perspectives and world views… deeply cares for people who I trust and feel connected with… empathic and understandable person… adaptable, humble and self-determined” –
It is amazing who y0u are when you are not suffering from the feelings that suffocate you (scared, paralyzed, tense, having no “joy and energy to do anything”, “nothing has meaning”, etc.).
How about regulating these suffocating feelings? You mentioned emotion regulation yourself, but did you work on it using worksheets available online? There are books and workbooks on the topic, examples: “Emotion regulation in psychotherapy”, ‘Master your emotions”, “The road to calm workbook”, “Your emotions and you, Workbook”. Do you own any of these books and workbooks?
anitaMay 3, 2022 at 12:09 pm #399442
About “I reach out for new people and new experiences”:
Currently I strongly feel rejected and let down by my family. I also feel very lonely. Remember when I told you about my little sister, who seems to have a better life than me? I also want to have friends in my current city. I want people around me who I can rely on and with who I can share the joy of life. That’s the reason why I am actively searching people with more or less same hobbys and interest. The last weeks I tried some online platform and I met a handful of very nice people. Last weekend for example a hiking group organised a hike and I jumped over my shadow to meet them. That’s the kind of new good experience I am seeking. It feels good to be surrounded and accepted by like minded people. I don’t call them friends yet for sure. To build friendship it needs time. Trust comes with actions and time.
If those constant “suffocating feelings” would not be there, then for sure I am a much different person. Everyone who is calm and free from negative feelings would be different in a positive way. Then I also would take the jump to change my career path, which take most of my mental energy.
Regulating those “suffocating feelings” would be amazing. Honestly I haven’t done any worksheets yet. I read them but haven’t filled anything. I read a book, which is written by a psychologist, about self worth and how to improve it. But it didn’t work for me. It was more a principle of just doing the things what you are afraid of and just to stop talking/thinking badly about yourself. I also have to say that I am often trying to avoid to think about those suffocating thoughts. I rather meditate than write down those things.
SeshaMay 3, 2022 at 1:16 pm #399447
On March 3, exactly two months ago, you wrote: “those intense moaning is not tolerable, and I have to regulate my emotions” – because you referred to the term emotion regulation, I assumed that you were familiar with emotion regulation skills, that you at least read on the topic. Fast forward two months and I find out that you didn’t read any book about emotion regulation and didn’t do any worksheets on the topic. (My lesson: do not assume!)
Good to read that you went for a hike with a group of people, I am very glad to read that you did!
I think that the more positive social experiences you have, the better (you said it yourself earlier)… and better of course, to avoid more negative social experiences at home by… not going home.
“Regulating those ‘suffocating feelings’ would be amazing… I also have to say that I am often trying to avoid to think about those suffocating thoughts. I rather meditate than write down those things’ – emotion regulation skills are not about writing down your feelings. I remember one session with my therapist ten years ago, I was distressed; he didn’t ask me to talk about my feelings or to write about them, instead, he sent me for a walk outside the office, under the blue sky and the sun.
Much of emotion regulation skills is about what’s called positive distractions, that is distracting yourself from thoughts and feelings in healthy way (not about talking/ writing about them). Why don’t you research the topic, maybe consider borrowing (from a library) or buying one of those books/ workbooks that I listed in my last post?
SeshaMay 3, 2022 at 2:56 pm #399458
Thank you for giving some inputs about emotion regulations. I will look into that and try to find a way to regulate those feelings somehow. There for sure are enough material (internet, book ect.) to read about that subject.
SeshaMay 3, 2022 at 3:05 pm #399459
You are welcome. You don’t have to work on emotion regulation all alone, by yourself. I am working on it myself, every day, so we can trade experiences and help each other.
anitaMay 4, 2022 at 7:13 am #399483
I would appreciate it a lot if we could exchange experiences on that topic. What I do as emotion regulation is doing sport, taking a nap or meditate. So far it helped to get a moment of relief.
anitaMay 4, 2022 at 8:05 am #399488
I suggest regulating your emotions on two fronts:
1) Have a daily routine for every day. It doesn’t mean that everything in your day has to be the same as the day before and the day after- only a few things. In my case, it’s a morning short exercise/ stretching (a mindful exercise which puts my brain into a focus mode first thing in the morning), and about an hour-long walk in the afternoon. Accomplishing these and a few other routine assignments every day, gives me a sense of accomplishment and a feeling that I have some control over my life, since I accomplished what I set up to accomplish.
2) When you notice the suffocating feelings emerging from the inside of you, take a moment and (a) say to yourself: I am not afraid of these suffocating feelings! (it’s an attitude change that I am asking you to make and remake every time you notice the feelings emerging: to stop being afraid of the suffocating feelings, to peel the fear off from them, so that what you feel is the unpleasantness of these feelings, but the fear of them lessens and lessens and eventually gone),
(b) Slowly take air in (inhale), feel the increased air in your lungs and when you exhale, exhale not only the air you just inhaled but the suffocating feelings as well. Repeat inhaling air and exhaling that air mixed with the suffocating feelings.
*** I think that part of the suffocating feelings is an angry insistence that nothing will work- an anger which is behind your rejection of suggestions given to you about how to help yourself. Is it so, for you? If it is, we’ll need to address this anger so that it doesn’t stop you from sincerely trying any of the suggestions above, giving up quickly, saying to yourself that it will not work, etc.
anitaMay 4, 2022 at 10:06 am #399495
1) I do have more or less a daily routine. Recently I also began a little side job to keep occupied.
(a) The attitude change towards these suffocating feelings is a good idea. To train to think differently from these feelings can possibly lessen that discomfort.
(b) I tried that kind of methode a few times already. It still needs more time to feel a change.
Anger is a part of the suffocating feelings. But I don’t feel like I will reject your suggestions. It is more the feelings at the moment to be behind in life and the stress about the study (which by the way I can see clearer what I want to do but fear a lot to take the jump into the cold water). And also to see others as mistrusting human being, who didn’t mean good with me (Sometimes I interprete behaviours of others very negatively even if it is neutral or there are no real intention behind). Therefore I feel rejected and lonely. Than I overthink and the suffocating feelings are very present.
SeshaMay 4, 2022 at 10:32 am #399499
Like I wrote to another member a little while ago, methods that work, work if you are fully committed to practice them every day. About your anger, I want to understand it better. Earlier, we talked about borderline personality disorder (bpd), and you said that you fit parts of it. I know that anger is a big part of bpd…can you tell me which parts of the diagnosis you identify with?