May 5, 2022 at 11:39 am #399531
strong emotional reactions: If I am talking with my father or seeing my little sister I can really feel that everything inside of me gets so angry. There is a tension that I really want to scream and blame them for making me weak and being a failure in life.
chronic and significant emotional suffering and mental agony: The first few weeks in my vacation semester I could barely manage my emotions. I wrote a lot about these “suffocating feelings”, which make me suffer.
SeshaMay 5, 2022 at 12:54 pm #399535
I’ve been thinking and thinking how to reply to your recent post and couldn’t come up with anything I didn’t already post for you, some things I posted repeatedly. I want to continue to communicate with you (!) but I am stuck at the moment. Can you help me with any ideas as to what I can do for you?
anitaMay 5, 2022 at 1:43 pm #399538
Don’t worry. You gave me already a lot of input. I think what I need at the moment is time to keep practicing meditation and going on to have structure in my daily routine. I am also trying to change my life even if I don’t feel my best and when some things, which I have no control over, seem to be unstable.
SeshaMay 5, 2022 at 2:15 pm #399543
I forgot to mention yesterday: congratulations for the side job you started!
In regard to your strong emotional reactions, intense anger at your father and younger sister and your otherwise significant emotional suffering and mental agony– I wish I could take these away from you. I know how it feels. I suffered from bpd for decades (was diagnosed with bpd, but no longer fit the diagnosis).
anitaMay 6, 2022 at 11:03 am #399621
Thank you so much!
Even if nobody can take away someone else’s pain, it still is comforting to know that there are people who care.
I wish you a nice weekend.
anitaMay 6, 2022 at 11:40 am #399648
You are very welcome and thank you for being so kind as to express such appreciation! I wish you a nice weekend as well.
anitaMay 17, 2022 at 8:06 pm #400557
I hope you are okay these days, Sesha. Are you?
aniaJune 3, 2022 at 3:32 pm #401751
I am so sorry to reply to you so late. Because I didn’t visit that forum for a while, I didn’t see that you wrote.
There are good moments, which I truly appreciate and felt ok. But unfortunately those moments are short and when those moments pass, it’s sad and I am back to the same state of life. At the moment I unfortunately don’t feel good. Yesterday something happened that triggered me so hard that it really overwhelmed me and I behave abnormal. I really feel stupid, ashamed, hopeless, lonely and worthless.
To understand why yesterday’s situation affects me so deeply, I need to explain what happened before. Last year in spring the indoor sport restrictions due to the covid pandemic was lifted and I went back to do Crossfit again. Everyone was happy to be back in the gym and enjoy sessions of group training. There is a coach that I never had as trainer before. After some sessions I developed a crush. What a cliché. I know. I find it also super stupid and childish. But I didn’t fall for him because he was goodlooking or is welltrained. And I am not somebody who developed deep crushes that easily. And it was not that classical love at first sight or something like that. At the beginning it was only his dynamic and enthusistic way that motivate me to participate his trainings. But with time I just liked the way he is. He encouraged me to do the exercises right and corrected my postures. What is stupidly normal for a coach. That’s their job. But there are moments where I felt like he is showing me that he likes me. For example we had to hang at a bar for a specific time. During the exercise he suddenly hang next to me and joked that we should think at something like what to cook for dinner tonight. I wanted to giggle and let go of the bar. Because I felt ashamed that I liked him, I didn’t show that I giggled and found his joke funny. I was cold. There was also another moment where we had to do an exercise on the rings. He told me to hold differently and he put both of his hands on mine. I was perplex, but didn’t show that it affected me in anyway, because he is a coach and corrects the way I do my work out. And I didn’t want to show that I had a crush on him. That moment felt so long. My stupid hormons kicked in and I felt like my whole body was under fire. After that I felt so good about it. I fell hard for him. Stupidly hard. I continued to come in his training with a feeling of exitement. And I think he was also exited to see me. He was nice and understandable towards me. He even gave me a hand from time to time during the workouts. I really liked that side of him. But with time when my crush got so deep, I felt more and more uncomfortable in my own skin. I was constantly scared that others would noticed that I developed a crush on him. I feared that others would judge me and call me names or think that I only come to Crossfit because I am thirsty for men. One day I came to his training I was very absent and cold towards him. I just shut down my mind and did the training. He got very irritated and changed his behaviour too. With a collegue of him, who was training nearby by change, they compliment the others and encourage others. I was left aside and I felt like they ignored me on purpose. By honestly that is a normal reaction of him. I did the same to him. That training I pretended that none of this affected me. But I felt really bad and cried a lot afterwards. I didn’t go for some weeks to the training. Than I came back again and tried to explain to him why I was like that last time. But before I could really explain in detail he said that it can happen and the most important thing is that I came back again. I was so relived and happy that I he understood. I continued to come in his trainings but I became again so weird and abnormal in my behaviour. I think I was obsessing over him. I didn’t give him the lovey dovey look. In the contrary I became more and more cold towards him. I also became so absent. In autumn he stopped to give trainings. I was so sad but my study kept me very busy so I could put those constant thoughts about him aside. I don’t remember when it was but when I went to the Thursday training I saw him again. He was working out for himself with others. It’s stupid but I was very happy to see him, but I ignored him and gave him the cold shoulder. And that multiple times in a row. After that I stopped to come to Crossfit, because I felt bad about myself and I felt so shameful. I felt like the whole Crossfit community knows from my crush because of my abnormal behaviour. The way I behaved during trainings when he is nearby is just socially not acceptable. No wonder everyone got irritated by me. I hate myself for that. I avoided going to Thursday’s training because of that guy. It’s been a few months that I didn’t show up. Yesterday I told myself that I don’t want to avoid training just because of that guy. But it was a mistake. When I came I didn’t notice him because I just shut down mentally to avoid feeling anything. I tried to be normal with the coach, who is giving the training. She was nice and also said that it’s been a long time that I came to the training. I didn’t really want to tell why and I put a happy face. For that guy it must be so irritating, confusing and even hurtful. We are not strangers, but I am acting like he is a nobody. Who wants to be treated like that? Honestly he is not the first crush that I had and acted on like that. And during the warm up he was running on the same track with a girl. And when we crossed eachother he slapped on the butt of that girl. I was perplex, but again I didn’t show. I realised that she is probably his girlfriend. For me it was clear that I will not continue to see any possibility for a relationship. With or without knowing that he is in a relationship doesn’t change in my behaviour. I just shut down mentally and was probably very absent. I think everyone noticed it. I felt so sad, confused and ashamed. I feel so ashamed that I have a crush on him. That I like him so much that it hurts. For me it was clear from the beginning that I don’t know him and I will feel hurt when I don’t really talk with him.
After yesterday’s work out I left as fast as possible and I had to cry. It was very overwhelming and my already very present suffocating feelings, made it so unbearable. I thought about all the bad that happened in the past and how much I hate to still be stuck in that city. I cried a lot. I questioned everything about what I do. I thought a lot to end my life. I know that a crush is not the end of the world and that there are a lot worse things happening. But I feel so tired of my life. I really don’t want my life anymore.
SeshaJune 3, 2022 at 3:56 pm #401764
I will read and reply in about 15 hours or so.
anitaJune 4, 2022 at 9:00 am #401807
“My stupid hormones kicked in and I felt like my whole body was under fire” – your hormones aren’t stupid: they are like any other person’s and animal’s hormones, they have a job to do that nature entrusted them with. They do not operate under your personal, individual intelligence; they operate under nature’s intelligence.
“I really feel stupid… I developed a crush.. I find it also stupid and childish… I fell hard for him. Stupidly hard… It’s stupid but I was very happy to see him” – your feelings aren’t stupid: like any other person’s and animal’s feelings, they have a job to do that nature entrusted them with. They do not operate under your personal, individual intelligence; they operate under nature’s intelligence.
“During the exercise, he suddenly hang next to me and joked that we should think at something like what to cook for dinner tonight. I wanted to giggle and let go of the bar. Because I felt ashamed that I liked him… I was cold” – your hormones aren’t stupid, your feelings aren’t stupid, except for one: your massive shame!
Your massive aka toxic shame is stupid because it leads you to behaviors that go against what nature meant for you, as a human. When a single woman falls in love with a single man who seems to like her very much, she doesn’t behave coldly, she behaves warmly… unless she suffers from toxic shame. Shame suffocates natural intelligence.
Here is an online definition of shame: “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong and foolish behavior”.
What you’ve been referring all along as Suffocating Feelings is your Shame, isn’t it?
“I felt bad about myself and I felt so shameful.. (of) my abnormal behavior…. I hate myself for that” = toxic shame.
Healthline. com/ toxic shame: “shame typically comes up when you look inward with a critical eye and evaluate yourself harshly, often for things you have little control over” – like your hormones and feelings.
Continued: “Toxic shame opens the door to anger, self disgust, and other less than desirable feelings. It can make you feel small and worthless. It can trickle into your inner dialogue like a poison… The negative self talk that usually accompanies shame, can trigger unwanted emotions, like *anger, both toward yourself and others *self loathing *worry and fear * sadness * embarrassment … Living with toxic shame can make it can make it difficult to open up to others. If they learn how awful you really are, you might assume, they’ll run away. So you keep a lot of yourself back and never feel comfortable relaxing your guard… This could make you seem distant” – it’s like this was written about you, isn’t it?
anitaJune 4, 2022 at 11:56 am #401826
Thank you for your reply. I went on a hike today, but I have to say that I was constantly thinking about that situation and was waiting for your answer.
Even if you are saying that it is part of human nature to like somebody, to develop loving feelings, I feel abnormal, weak and desperate for love. I feel an internal contradiction. I really want to know that person, I want to let him in my inner world, I really want to share my life, I want to be close, but on the other hand I am very distrustful, I am scared to get close to somebody and I am scared that he could let me down.
You are right about that shame. It plays a huge part in that suffocating feeling, but it is not the whole suffocating feeling.
The article from Healthline.com about toxic shame really brings on the point. It describes me in many ways. I have to say that it is also nothing new to me. I struggled my whole life with that. I got better in managing that feeling but I do fall from time to time in that loop of dark thoughts like yesterday. Those suffocating feeling is still as intense as in the past, but the difference is that I can endure them longer and I take care of myself with healthy food, sport and sleep.
There is also a lot going on in other areas of my life. This week I officially contacted my university to leave my studies. I decided to start a new major at another university. I am scared that I will have problems again because of those suffocating feelings. It worries me a lot too.
SeshaJune 4, 2022 at 12:04 pm #401827
Congratulations for having the courage to make the decision to start a new major at another university!
“You are right about that shame. It plays a huge part in that suffocating feeling, but it is not he whole suffocating” –
– toxic shame is very powerful, very suffocating… it is related to a lot of distressing feelings. Is there something that is not related to toxic shame that is suffocating you?
anitaJune 4, 2022 at 12:29 pm #401828
Thank you. I just realised that I didn’t pat myself on my shoulder for that. It’s hard to pat mentally myself on my shoulder for my effort. I have issue with that and I often seek external validation.
I actually think that the other emotions is related to shame. You are right. Anger and sadness is also related to shame. At the end everything is just put in the same negative pot. That is really unfortunate.
SeshaJune 4, 2022 at 1:09 pm #401832
There are whole books on toxic shame, such as the late John Bradshaw’s Healing the Shame that Binds You. I read it many years ago and was captivated by it. Here is a quote from the book that I believe fits you as much as it used to fit me:
“To be shame-bound means that whenever you feel any feeling, need or drive, you immediately feel ashamed. The dynamic core of your human life is grounded in your feelings, needs and drives. When these are bound by shame, you are shamed to the core”.
anitaJune 4, 2022 at 2:10 pm #401837
Thank you for the book recommendation. And the quote does fit me. I think it’s not going to be an issue for me to read the theory about toxic shame. It will be more a problem to find solutions that help to behave freely with the shame in the back of my head. That behaviour of acting absent, abnormal and cold is irritating. People in my surrounding didn’t take it well and I always have to run away, because the feeling of shame is unbearable. Hiding away and being alone was and still is the only way I cope with that.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>You said that the quote used to fit you. How did you handle your shame till it is bearable enough to put up with uncomfortable situations?</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Sesha</p>