Well i had sort of the same thing just happen to me with a 47 year old i know how it feels but not in the way you described there are good ones out there but are hard to find You are young The two months thing i had over 5 months and got it via facebook had to wait 3 days these people are no good at all but you have youth on yourside… Just keep your guard up and Go nice and easy ..

Dear dreaming715:

It is my experience that men are not morally or ethically inferior to women, and that women are not … better people than men. It’s just that traditionally, in the beginning of a relationship, men initiate talking and asking and suggesting… they talk more, hence they lie more. Later, women catch up. And I don’t mean all women, Dreaming715. Just as you don’t mean all men.

There are also men, especially in certain societies, that will say and do anything so to get sexual with a woman with no intention of having anything but sex. They treat women as sexual objects and express some respect only to their mothers and the one to become the mother of their children.

What do you think?

anita

Hi dreaming715,

Where are you meeting these men?? Maybe if you meet them via mutual friends or through a project or hobby you’ll have better luck.. as most people aren’t thinking of romance or hooking up in those settings.

As we get older we have less tolerance for lies and games.

Maybe consider dating men a little older? It does take them several years to out grow the Single Guy meme.

Someone is out there for you! Dare I say several people! It’s just who you’ll find first! Have faith!

Blessings,

Inky

Dear dreaming714:

Reading your last post makes me think more on this good topic that you brought up. How to handle this reality you encountered with men in dating interactions and relationships: the lies, grandiose empty promises, the not following through…

I would say: first eliminate interactions with men who see you as a sexual object, a conquest to be won and abandoned when done. I know from personal experience how humiliating this is, for the woman. So eliminate those first. How? Learn about the men and don’t get physically intimate with a man until you are reasonably assured this is not the … kind. Ask questions, not as an interrogator (that will invite lies), but gently, in a way that maximizes your chances to get honest answers. Basically you ask the questions in a way that is not threatening to the man, in a way that doesn’t trigger him to ..defend himself with lies. If you want, we can practice such questions, examples of such.

Second, in the courtship, men are interested in something. Sex may be all (above paragraph is about that) or some. But there is always something they want, so they sell themselves, like salesmen. (Women do that too). So learn to detect what is a Selling Statement and what is an authentic statement. This is part of being a critical thinker, critical reader, critical listener. It is a skill you can develop further, and get pretty good at it.

Nobody, I believe, can eliminate the possibility of being manipulates, but we can minimize the chances the best we can.

Thoughts?

anita

dreaming715,

Thank you for asking me to share my story. I’m not sure it’s a very interesting one – except to me, but it’s probably much the same as many others’. I haven’t told it in many years, and I don’t put myself out there much, but if it might cheer you then I’m happy to share. I’ll try to keep it short.

When I was sixteen I fell in love with a boy. He was sweet and funny and handsome. I was crazy about him and I believed he felt the same about me. I honestly believed we’d be together forever. It makes me shake my head now to think how naïve I was. Eight months later he rather abruptly broke up with me (for another girl), and I was not only completely blind-sided and devastated, but completely disillusioned. I cried for days, moped for weeks, didn’t date again for almost a year. I’m sure everyone has a similar story – the one that got away. I know it seems silly: We were so young and we weren’t even together that long, but he left an imprint on my heart. I was sure I would never again love someone as much as him.

I learned to guard my feelings. At eighteen I became a cynic. Over the next couple years I dated a lot of guys, but didn’t give my heart away to anyone. I still wanted to be loved, to find someone to whom I could say aloud all the silly, sweet, awkward things that rattled around in my head, but I couldn’t risk being wrong again. With each new guy I dated, I went into it knowing they were going to let me down and when they did I quickly moved on – there was no forgiveness or second chance on my part. Occasionally I’d find someone who seemed to really care and I’d convince myself they were only saying it out of a sense of obligation or a desire to manipulate me. I beat guys up (not literally) from a “prove your loyalty” standpoint and they always fell short. I set them up for failure. I drove them away.

The day after a particularly ugly breakup, I went to see my best friend. I sat on her bedroom floor and announced: “I’m done with dating. I’m done with guys. They aren’t capable of love. I’m not sure what it is they think they feel, but it’s not love. I’m so tired of getting my hopes up and then being disappointed. I’m just going to be single for a while. I’ve had enough.” But even at that moment, deep in my silly heart, I still believed in true love. I still wanted to believe I would find it.

Then I met a man. He was calm and confident and charming and sincere. Almost the moment I met him the cynic in me evaporated and suddenly I couldn’t stop blurting out every hopelessly honest and ridiculously romantic thing that popped into my head. And he would smile and move closer instead of stepping back. He made me feel safe to be my unguarded, heart-thrown-wide, silly awkward self again.

Like I had with other guys, I slowly peeled away his layers, but instead of being certain I’d find a rotten core, I hoped this time I would not. The deeper I got, the more I liked him. He was honest, and caring, a person of good character, and he really, really, loved me. There was no doubt in my mind. The day that I stood at the altar with him, saying our vows, I remember feeling a deep, unshakable certainty that I had made the right choice, and there has never been a moment of doubt in my head since. We have been happily married for 25 years, have two kids, a home and a business together. He is my best friend. He’s seen me at my very best, and my very worst, and through it all he has loved me unconditionally. I don’t just love him, I’m still IN love with him. I believe he was MADE for me.

Obviously a lot of life happened over those 25 years, and it wasn’t always easy or perfect, but no matter what life threw at us, we handled it together. I once heard someone say a good marriage is about finding the person you want standing with you, back-to-back, in the foxhole shooting at anything that comes your way. This pretty much sums it up. It’s not always sunshine and roses, but I’ve never had to look over my shoulder to check if he’s still there defending my back. He is.

That’s my story. My apologies for rambling on so long. Thanks again for asking. I’m not sure what I’ve said here will really help you in any way, but I just hope maybe you won’t give up. You sound like someone with a lot of love to give – there are guys who want that – who are mature enough to respect that gift and return it. Hope you have a great day! ☺

I feel your pain, dreaming715! I’m only 22 and I’ve already become pretty exasperated with men (I realise not all men are bad, but sadly, in my life, I’ve experienced more bad than good). When I was 16, I was manipulated and brainwashed by a 19-year-old man who seemed ostensibly charming and perfect, made many of those grandiose statements you talk about, then tried subtly and insidiously to force himself on me. When it became clear I was oblivious to what he really wanted (I was a very innocent and naive teenager from an all-girls convent school!), he made a fake female Facebook profile posing as his ‘best friend from South Africa’ who proceeded to tell me persistently that I wasn’t good enough, I had to ‘do more’, I had to ‘stand out from other girls’, that ‘all eyes were on me’ from girls in South Africa who would not hesitate to come to the UK and harm me because they were jealous and knew I was doing ‘badly’. I can’t quite believe how gullible I was, but I drank in everything he told me for a time, then started to get suspicious, but had been so brainwashed, I continued to try to impress him. After not getting what he was clearly after for a month, he broke up with me by putting his relationship status as single on Facebook. It was classy.

Then, when I was 19, my family found out that my dad had been having a classic mid-life crisis affair for 2 years with a significantly younger woman. My mum and dad had seemed so solid, and he so reliable, that this completely shattered and subverted my view of men once again. If my own DAD couldn’t be trusted, who could I trust?!

However, my current boyfriend is a different story. We’ve been together nearly 4 years and so far, so good! I sought to look for pretty much the opposite of my previous boyfriend (who was narcissistic, arrogant, yet jobless, and clearly one-track-minded towards physical intimacy), and it paid off. I think taking lessons from previous experiences and relationships will be extremely important for you in finding someone, as you now have a wealth of experience to help you, so whilst those experiences were bad and upsetting and I’m really sorry they happened to you, good can come out of them in this way. Unfortunately, there do seem to be a lot of men who are mainly interested in physical intimacy, but my current boyfriend and I didn’t have sex until 1 and a half years into our relationship, so there are men who will fall in love with YOU and not just your body. As anita has said, I guess it’s about searching for someone who seems genuinely interested in YOU, your personality, your stories, etc., and to give it time and not to give anything away until you’re sure this individual is not just interested in the physical aspects of a relationship, but in you as a person. Sorry for rambling – I wish you all the best and all the luck because you deserve someone who treasures you.

Dear dreaming715:

I appreciate your feedback on my reply. And hope I can be somewhat helpful with the point you wrote above (first paragraph in above post by you) in combination with my reply to you on your latest thread.

anita