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Feeling resentful toward men

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  • #99738
    dreaming715
    Participant

    I debated whether or not to post this, but I thought hearing others’ perspectives would be helpful. Lately, I’ve been feeling resentful toward men. Let me preface by saying that I don’t think all men are “bad” (for lack of a better word). I personally know a few respectful, kindhearted men.

    I’m a 27-year-old female. I’ve had several relationships. One relationship lasted 5 years. We were engaged, he called off the wedding, then asked for me back 6 months later after we’d moved out from our apartment (I declined). Almost all of my other relationships are a variation of:

    1) The guy saying grandiose things with no follow-through (“I can’t wait to see you again,” “I really like you,” “I can’t wait to take you to this restaurant,” one guy even told me he “loved me” after 2 months and then broke-up with me 2 weeks later). Then I just never hear from them again.

    2) Lying to me (“I’ve never had a one night stand before,” then later finding out they had and for some reason they just didn’t want to tell me- and I can assure you I wouldn’t have judged them negatively).

    3) Seemingly wanting the relationship to revolve solely around sex and physical intimacy. If I do give in- they leave. If I don’t give in and try to strike a healthy balance between emotional and physical intimacy- they eventually leave anyways. It feels like a no-win situation.

    I don’t feel I can relate to men at all. I also no longer feel I can trust what they’re saying. They’re only words. The funny thing is, I’ve never told someone I really liked them and couldn’t wait to see them- only to disappear and not follow through with it. Please keep in mind that I also make a concerted effort to come off interested but not too strong or eager.

    #99742
    darreb
    Participant

    Well i had sort of the same thing just happen to me with a 47 year old i know how it feels but not in the way you described there are good ones out there but are hard to find You are young The two months thing i had over 5 months and got it via facebook had to wait 3 days these people are no good at all but you have youth on yourside… Just keep your guard up and Go nice and easy ..

    #99759
    Vesper
    Participant

    dreaming715,

    One month after I said, “I give up on men: I don’t believe they’re capable of feeling true love,” I met my soul mate. Don’t give up. Mr. Right might be “right” around the next corner! 🙂

    #99763
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dreaming715:

    It is my experience that men are not morally or ethically inferior to women, and that women are not … better people than men. It’s just that traditionally, in the beginning of a relationship, men initiate talking and asking and suggesting… they talk more, hence they lie more. Later, women catch up. And I don’t mean all women, Dreaming715. Just as you don’t mean all men.

    There are also men, especially in certain societies, that will say and do anything so to get sexual with a woman with no intention of having anything but sex. They treat women as sexual objects and express some respect only to their mothers and the one to become the mother of their children.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #99794
    dreaming715
    Participant

    Dazz: Thank you for the kind words. I guess I do have “time” and I’m afforded the opportunity to let life play out as it’s meant to while trying to harness a more optimistic perspective.

    Vesper: Can you please share a little bit about your story with me? What brought you to the “men can’t feel love conclusion?” What’s different about your soulmate? Did you know right away? I’d love to hear an inspiring and hopeful story.

    Anita: If I’m understanding what you’re saying correctly, I would agree that men are MUCH bigger “sayers” than “doers” in the beginning of a relationship. Almost to the point of me having to disregard what they’re saying because I can count on more than one hand the grandiose things I’ve been promised or told that never actually materialized. And I also agree that men in many different cultures are more interested in “sex” and respect is reserved for a very limited number of females in their lives (example: mother, daughter, mother of their daughter).

    #99808
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi dreaming715,

    Where are you meeting these men?? Maybe if you meet them via mutual friends or through a project or hobby you’ll have better luck.. as most people aren’t thinking of romance or hooking up in those settings.

    As we get older we have less tolerance for lies and games.

    Maybe consider dating men a little older? It does take them several years to out grow the Single Guy meme.

    Someone is out there for you! Dare I say several people! It’s just who you’ll find first! Have faith!

    Blessings,

    Inky

    #99819
    dreaming715
    Participant

    Inky: I’m 27 and I’ve dated guys that ranged from 24 to 38 (no joke… but I’d say the majority have been between 28-33). How much older should I date? lol

    I met my ex-fiance through mutual friends. I met one other guy through a mutual friend at a birthday party (the one who said he “loved me” and then dumped me two weeks later). All of the other guys I’ve met online. It’s seems like a crap-shoot. But thank you for responding with encouraging and kind words.

    #99820
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dreaming714:

    Reading your last post makes me think more on this good topic that you brought up. How to handle this reality you encountered with men in dating interactions and relationships: the lies, grandiose empty promises, the not following through…

    I would say: first eliminate interactions with men who see you as a sexual object, a conquest to be won and abandoned when done. I know from personal experience how humiliating this is, for the woman. So eliminate those first. How? Learn about the men and don’t get physically intimate with a man until you are reasonably assured this is not the … kind. Ask questions, not as an interrogator (that will invite lies), but gently, in a way that maximizes your chances to get honest answers. Basically you ask the questions in a way that is not threatening to the man, in a way that doesn’t trigger him to ..defend himself with lies. If you want, we can practice such questions, examples of such.

    Second, in the courtship, men are interested in something. Sex may be all (above paragraph is about that) or some. But there is always something they want, so they sell themselves, like salesmen. (Women do that too). So learn to detect what is a Selling Statement and what is an authentic statement. This is part of being a critical thinker, critical reader, critical listener. It is a skill you can develop further, and get pretty good at it.

    Nobody, I believe, can eliminate the possibility of being manipulates, but we can minimize the chances the best we can.

    Thoughts?

    anita

    #99843
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey Dreaming715, what’s going on?

    I agree with Inky all the way. Maybe you need to find more guys who are more sensible and aren’t plain losers. It’s a sad fact, but most guys want sex. They’re just horny animals. Now I’m not saying all men are like that, but just keep an open mind. You’ll find your soul mate when you at least expect it. In the meantime, just focus on platonic relationships. Listen to me, I’m only five years younger than you and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve done online dating sites, and meeting people in person. One thing you have to remember though is to truly love yourself! If you don’t, how do you expect someone else to care about you? I’m sure you have amazing qualities, i.e., your sense of humor, creativity, being courageous, and resilient. Let me know what happens in your love life. I personally have taken time to only care for myself and that helps my relationships with my family and friends.

    #99846
    Vesper
    Participant

    dreaming715,

    Thank you for asking me to share my story. I’m not sure it’s a very interesting one – except to me, but it’s probably much the same as many others’. I haven’t told it in many years, and I don’t put myself out there much, but if it might cheer you then I’m happy to share. I’ll try to keep it short.

    When I was sixteen I fell in love with a boy. He was sweet and funny and handsome. I was crazy about him and I believed he felt the same about me. I honestly believed we’d be together forever. It makes me shake my head now to think how naïve I was. Eight months later he rather abruptly broke up with me (for another girl), and I was not only completely blind-sided and devastated, but completely disillusioned. I cried for days, moped for weeks, didn’t date again for almost a year. I’m sure everyone has a similar story – the one that got away. I know it seems silly: We were so young and we weren’t even together that long, but he left an imprint on my heart. I was sure I would never again love someone as much as him.

    I learned to guard my feelings. At eighteen I became a cynic. Over the next couple years I dated a lot of guys, but didn’t give my heart away to anyone. I still wanted to be loved, to find someone to whom I could say aloud all the silly, sweet, awkward things that rattled around in my head, but I couldn’t risk being wrong again. With each new guy I dated, I went into it knowing they were going to let me down and when they did I quickly moved on – there was no forgiveness or second chance on my part. Occasionally I’d find someone who seemed to really care and I’d convince myself they were only saying it out of a sense of obligation or a desire to manipulate me. I beat guys up (not literally) from a “prove your loyalty” standpoint and they always fell short. I set them up for failure. I drove them away.

    The day after a particularly ugly breakup, I went to see my best friend. I sat on her bedroom floor and announced: “I’m done with dating. I’m done with guys. They aren’t capable of love. I’m not sure what it is they think they feel, but it’s not love. I’m so tired of getting my hopes up and then being disappointed. I’m just going to be single for a while. I’ve had enough.” But even at that moment, deep in my silly heart, I still believed in true love. I still wanted to believe I would find it.

    Then I met a man. He was calm and confident and charming and sincere. Almost the moment I met him the cynic in me evaporated and suddenly I couldn’t stop blurting out every hopelessly honest and ridiculously romantic thing that popped into my head. And he would smile and move closer instead of stepping back. He made me feel safe to be my unguarded, heart-thrown-wide, silly awkward self again.

    Like I had with other guys, I slowly peeled away his layers, but instead of being certain I’d find a rotten core, I hoped this time I would not. The deeper I got, the more I liked him. He was honest, and caring, a person of good character, and he really, really, loved me. There was no doubt in my mind. The day that I stood at the altar with him, saying our vows, I remember feeling a deep, unshakable certainty that I had made the right choice, and there has never been a moment of doubt in my head since. We have been happily married for 25 years, have two kids, a home and a business together. He is my best friend. He’s seen me at my very best, and my very worst, and through it all he has loved me unconditionally. I don’t just love him, I’m still IN love with him. I believe he was MADE for me.

    Obviously a lot of life happened over those 25 years, and it wasn’t always easy or perfect, but no matter what life threw at us, we handled it together. I once heard someone say a good marriage is about finding the person you want standing with you, back-to-back, in the foxhole shooting at anything that comes your way. This pretty much sums it up. It’s not always sunshine and roses, but I’ve never had to look over my shoulder to check if he’s still there defending my back. He is.

    That’s my story. My apologies for rambling on so long. Thanks again for asking. I’m not sure what I’ve said here will really help you in any way, but I just hope maybe you won’t give up. You sound like someone with a lot of love to give – there are guys who want that – who are mature enough to respect that gift and return it. Hope you have a great day! ☺

    #99902
    Silvia
    Participant

    Dear dreaming715,

    I share your resentment and confusion as I just experienced a similar situation that broke my heart and left me kind of hopeless..
    I’m 30, like my ex-boyfriend, who after 6 years together cheated on me right during the time when we were apart because he had moved to NY, where I was supposed to join him after 9 months to start our new life together. It took him 6 months to confess the affair, and by that time I had already moved to NY and could not understand why he looks so distant and ‘depressed’.
    After confessing he asked me to forgive him saying that I was the one for him. I did, or at least I decided to try, and we rented a new home together with a 1yr lease. After another 6 months, he moved out and left me saying that he was confused about his feelings. I have known this person for 15 years and we had been so close during the 6 and a half years that we were together, making big life choices and plans.

    I simply cannot understand how he could be so selfish and incapable of communicating to me that something so big was going through his mind. I would have never expected him to hurt me so much. I’ve tried to ask him what was wrong so many times, but nothing. He tricked me with his words and promises, and was incapable of simply telling me the truth and admit that he was not going to be able to meet all those promises.

    Now I have to cope with being cut off his life completely and to me it is just so painful and stupid. I thought that at 30 men would be more empathetic and less immature. Now I wonder if I have to look for older men.
    But it is just so difficult to accept and to have faith again in honest relationships.

    Thank you for reading. Please share your thoughts 🙂

    #100067
    Penguin
    Participant

    I feel your pain, dreaming715! I’m only 22 and I’ve already become pretty exasperated with men (I realise not all men are bad, but sadly, in my life, I’ve experienced more bad than good). When I was 16, I was manipulated and brainwashed by a 19-year-old man who seemed ostensibly charming and perfect, made many of those grandiose statements you talk about, then tried subtly and insidiously to force himself on me. When it became clear I was oblivious to what he really wanted (I was a very innocent and naive teenager from an all-girls convent school!), he made a fake female Facebook profile posing as his ‘best friend from South Africa’ who proceeded to tell me persistently that I wasn’t good enough, I had to ‘do more’, I had to ‘stand out from other girls’, that ‘all eyes were on me’ from girls in South Africa who would not hesitate to come to the UK and harm me because they were jealous and knew I was doing ‘badly’. I can’t quite believe how gullible I was, but I drank in everything he told me for a time, then started to get suspicious, but had been so brainwashed, I continued to try to impress him. After not getting what he was clearly after for a month, he broke up with me by putting his relationship status as single on Facebook. It was classy.

    Then, when I was 19, my family found out that my dad had been having a classic mid-life crisis affair for 2 years with a significantly younger woman. My mum and dad had seemed so solid, and he so reliable, that this completely shattered and subverted my view of men once again. If my own DAD couldn’t be trusted, who could I trust?!

    However, my current boyfriend is a different story. We’ve been together nearly 4 years and so far, so good! I sought to look for pretty much the opposite of my previous boyfriend (who was narcissistic, arrogant, yet jobless, and clearly one-track-minded towards physical intimacy), and it paid off. I think taking lessons from previous experiences and relationships will be extremely important for you in finding someone, as you now have a wealth of experience to help you, so whilst those experiences were bad and upsetting and I’m really sorry they happened to you, good can come out of them in this way. Unfortunately, there do seem to be a lot of men who are mainly interested in physical intimacy, but my current boyfriend and I didn’t have sex until 1 and a half years into our relationship, so there are men who will fall in love with YOU and not just your body. As anita has said, I guess it’s about searching for someone who seems genuinely interested in YOU, your personality, your stories, etc., and to give it time and not to give anything away until you’re sure this individual is not just interested in the physical aspects of a relationship, but in you as a person. Sorry for rambling – I wish you all the best and all the luck because you deserve someone who treasures you.

    #101282
    dreaming715
    Participant

    Anita: You made two excellent points that I’ll remember: “1) I would say: first eliminate interactions with men who see you as a sexual object, a conquest to be won and abandoned when done. 2) …learn to detect what is a Selling Statement and what is an authentic statement.”

    Aiyana: Thank you, my take-a-away is to remember to always love myself before another before.

    Vesper: I truly appreciate you sharing your story. It gives me hope that even after multiple “failed” attempts at dating, maybe…just maybe…there’s someone out there who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them. Good luck to you!

    Silviainny: I’m sorry to hear you’ve experienced similar interactions with men who you thought you could trust. It’s discouraging… but I guess all we can do is try to learn from our experiences and grow in a positive way from them without becoming bitter (maybe I’m a little bitter and reserved right now, but I’m trying to overcome it).

    Penguin: Thanks for responding with your story. I actually had a similar situation with my dad. He was always someone I greatly looked up to and he cheated on my step-mom. I know we’re all human and we make mistakes. I hope I find a companion who will eventually love and accept me and be genuinely intersted in me as a person (and not just sex and then leaving).

    #101293
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dreaming715:

    I appreciate your feedback on my reply. And hope I can be somewhat helpful with the point you wrote above (first paragraph in above post by you) in combination with my reply to you on your latest thread.

    anita

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