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Feeling sad and confused… do I give it another chance?

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 8 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #186063

    James
    Participant

    I've been in a very challenging relationship for the past 5 years with a man 15 years older than me. After much research, I believe my boyfriend has boarderline personality disorder. He has many wonderful  characteristics, but he also has one that feels intolerable. I myself have a temper which is probably a very bad combo.

    Ive always has very challenging relationships.  I'm sure it stems from my childhood. My drug addicted father took my brother and I away from my sister and mother at the age of 4  years old . I didn't see my mother and sister again until I was 8 years old. In the years I was away I was told that my mother was the devil.. and being a daddy's girl, I believed it. When my family reunited, I had no memory of my mom… but I was terrified of her. we had a very troubled relationship my entire life. Within a year of my mother reuniting my dad completely fell off the wagon and his addiction blown while my mother got sober by joining AA and has been for over 25 years. My childhood was filled with stress over my dad… I'd worry myself sick about him dying. I'd sleep by the front door so I'd know the moment he was home. I was always happy to see him. I was never mad at him, I just acted like everything was perfect now that he was home. In adulthood, I realized I had major separation anxiety. If my parter and I would fight, and they'd leave, it felt like the world was ending. I never knew how much. My childhood impacted my life and who I chose as a partner.

    Back to my  current relationship – my boyfriend and I moved in almost right away and we were inseparable. I was passionately in love with him and he was my entire world. 5 years later, I'm feeling pretty roughed up. He is anal, and can speak in a very aggressive way and he often makes me feel like a child. My tolerance for this has  diminish, so much so that I moved out six months ago but committed to working on our relationship.  I will admit I have seen improvements within his attitude but it's not 100% better and maybe 100% better is not realistic in a short amount of time. I'm just confused if I should continue or just give up.

     

    Thanks for reading

    #186099

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi James,

    I would tell him that you are dating other people. You can still date him as well! He will be stunned, stymied and might possibly lash out. But once he realizes that you are seeing other people who might treat you better, and heck, might even BE better, he could very well try to clean up his act.

    Just say you want to have fun and be happy in your relationship with him and the way to do that is to keep it light, occasional and casual. That the relationship can become more serious as HE becomes more serious about getting help.

    Of course, he could get very, very angry at this and break up with you. But that's just as well, isn't it?

    Treating people well, and treating people badly is a habit. It's time for him to get used to treating you with respect.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    #186141

    anita
    Participant

    Dear James:

    The last sentence of your share is: “I'm just confused if I should continue or just give up”- you mean continue your separation from him or give up and reunite with him, correct?

    If so, your use of “give up” regarding reuniting with him leads me to think that reuniting with him means giving up something valuable that you have now. What is it that you will be giving up if you were to reunite with him?

    anita

    #186147

    James
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    im sorry, what I wrote was confusing and I'm also using my cell phone. I feel like you train people how to treat you and every time I stay when he speaks to me in a disrespectful way I feel like I am saying “it's ok to treat me this way” we've cried together and he admits he has problems. In all fairness I do, too. I don't handle it well and react very poorly at times.. that always leaves me feeling very guilty. I love him very much and he does add value to my life. All my friends and family tell me to leave him, that I can do much better and that people never change. I don't believe that.. people do change if they really want to, but how many chances should one give?

    #186165

    anita
    Participant

    Dear James:

    People can change, but changes of the kind you need in him, and in you, take a lot of time, a whole lot of time during which he will have to persist and keep changing no matter how distressed he feels, to not give up, to keep going and going.

    You don't owe him to reunite because he showed some improvement, because he is suffering, etc. And you don't owe him to reunite because you need to improve, because you were far from perfect.

    The two of you are responsible for the relationship that was (50%-50% maybe), and so, it is not your whole responsibility that it failed. He us equally responsible.

    How many chances, you asked: none at this point, is my answer.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    #186167

    James
    Participant

    Thanks, Anita. This really helped.

    #186171

    anita
    Participant

    Dear James:

    You are welcome.

    * I edited my last post to you, if you look at it again, because of the following thought I had: the two of you, individually (and maybe together as a couple as well) need to start and persist with the long process of healing before a healthy relationship between the two of you is possible. It is not only he that needs to heal for the relationship to work.

    anita

    #186251

    James
    Participant

    Thank you both Inky, and Anita. I had a very long talk with him this evening and I didn't something that I'm not very good at doing, listening. I know I have to go with my gut and see things through. I'm going to be hopeful and work on my own resentments.

    #186279

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, James. Post again anytime.

    anita

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