* Dear Jana: thank you for the compliment 😊

Dear Louise:

You are very welcome. “I am on the move, so don’t have a time to write a lot… when you say: *In all that is happening, it is most important that part of you (the adult part/ the parent part) practices empathy and compassion for the child part of you, taking her side, backing her up, advocating for her.* How do I do that?“-

-first, identify the child part (I’ll call her CP) vs the parent/ adult part of you (I’ll call her AP). The AP is the part that’s taking CP on the move. Maybe (I don’t know) CP wanted instead to write a lot, but AP told her something like: no, we have to go, we have to be on the move!

If AP says the italicized right above in a harsh tone, adding a shove, physically pushing CP along, adding an insulting word or words like: hurry up, you, lazy ***!- that’s abuse.

If AP says no, we have to go… in a gentle but confident voice, looking at CP with an affectionate smile, taking her hand and gently leading her along- that’s empathy and compassion.

If CP refuses to go along and AP shouts at and threatens CP- that’s abuse. If AP gently but firmly explains to CP: I understand that you don’t feel like going along, I understand that you feel like writing, but we have to go now. Later on, I promise, you will be writing more– that’s empathy and compassion.

“And I agree with you with regard to the men…  my ex-boyfriend  signifies security and Home to me. Whereas the other man doesn’t – He was the excitement that I was looking for which once I felt lost after leaving my home I didn’t really want the excitement anymore. If that all makes sense“- it makes sense to me: once you left home with no plans to return, you went back to being the lost, scared child that you were away from home, wanting nothing but to be back home.

I am re-reading your original and following posts (Nov 12-15), looking for Louise-the-child/ CP’s story. The boldfaced are your words. In parentheses are my words, my interpretations, correct or not): “Sorry if this is long (I shouldn’t be talking much about myself). I am feeling so lost… my mother died very suddenly and unexpectedly…  I wanted to leave (my childhood home) and… have… freedom… I initially felt good but after only several days I was hit by feeling terrible, distraught that I had left my home and essentially made myself homeless, lost any sense of security… I feel completely lost and depressed… I think about contacting my (mother or father)… and asking if I can come back… I know our relationship wasn’t good but (I need a home). I know I have done so much wrong… I don’t know how to feel better… feeling in a panic about what I am doing with my (adult) life and wishing I could turn the clock back and go back to (childhood)… I just want to be back home… I need to stop beating myself up…  go(ing) over all the things I could have done differently… it is a conflict inside me. The longing for freedom but then for security too…  sorry my message is so long (I shouldn’t be talking so much about myself)… My parents argued and fought constantly. We lived in the middle of nowhere… I was dependent on my parents to drive me to visit a friend. So I felt very trapped in this place (home) where my parents were constantly shouting and screaming at each other. My father had mental health issues. But also as a young child, I would get very homesick if I went away from home even for a night. As a teenager, I had a lot of conflict with my parents and I did run away from home a few times… It is 3 am where I am. I cannot sleep. My mind is constantly full of these thoughts and just wanting to go back home…  All I know is, I feel this desperate urge that I have to go back home…  I feel in a constant state of panic… Sorry about all the strange symbols in my message.(I should be careful about what/ how I say)… Again, I woke up at 2 am With this terrible  anxiety feeling and my heart pounding And I’ve been unable to sleep again… unable to relax…  I just can’t imagine feeling any better… When I was a child away from home even for a night, I could remember I would cry all night Feeling so homesick and just needed to go home and see my mother (not my father). I am looking more for a caretaker now… If that all makes sense.“-

– Leaving your childhood home, as a child, even for a night, meant leaving your mother (you didn’t mention siblings) alone with a father with mental health issues, who was the one, perhaps,  starting or causing all the arguing, fighting, shouting and screaming ?

I wonder if you felt, growing up, responsible for your mother, if you felt that it was your responsibility to be present in the home (as much as you wanted to not be there), so to protect your mother/ to calm down the turmoil (arguing, fighting, etc.)? I wonder if you felt that your life was about keeping her safe.

And recently, when she died unexpectedly, it triggered a childhood fear that you that you wouldn’t be able to keep her safe?

anita

Dear Louise:

“My mother...(was) the dominant one. Whereas my father was more depressed and unhappy and anxious… My mum could be quite angry and I think I still have a fear of people being angry with me“- so, your mother was The Angry One. My mother was an Angry Mother. Her anger at me, and at others, scared me because it had the threat.. and promise of punishment, of violence.

“I really up on and seem to absorb other peoples emotions, often thinking it is my fault if something is not right or they are in a bad mood“- afraid of others’ anger, as you were afraid of your mother’s anger?

Having an angry mother can be a deeply challenging and emotional experience for a child. It can evoke a range of feelings and reactions, including: Fear and Anxiety: Constantly being on edge, worrying about triggering her anger, and feeling unsafe in your own home, Confusion and Self-Doubt: Wondering what you did wrong, feeling responsible for her anger,   Frustration and Helplessness: Feeling powerless to change the situation or make things better, leading to frustration and a sense of being stuck.

These feelings leave lasting emotional scars and affect one’s relationships and self-perception into adulthood. It certainly affected mine, big time. Does this resonate with you?

anita