Dear Mollie:

Welcome back to the forums! I re-read your earlier two posts from Nov 1, 2021 and May 2022. While your current struggles are different, I see similar patterns of overthinking, self-doubt, and a desire for clarity. But your ability to reflect on your needs and make thoughtful decisions shows real growth.

Life transitions, like the ones you’re going through, can feel overwhelming. It’s normal to feel stuck when reality doesn’t align with expectations. What really shines through in your post is your hopefulness and self-awareness, even in tough times. That resilience will guide you forward.

Here are a few thoughts that came to mind:

1. Career Path Resigning from your job sounds like a difficult but necessary decision. Recognizing that a role isn’t helping you grow takes courage. Feeling renewed confidence about your career is promising, and returning to university could open exciting opportunities. Taking small steps toward your goals—like networking or exploring creative projects—might also help ease the transition.

2. Loneliness: Living alone can feel isolating, especially when work drains your energy. While you value solitude, you’ve highlighted how meaningful social connections are for your well-being. Could you schedule intentional time with friends or explore local activities to meet new people? I hope university brings the connections you’re hoping for.

3. Relationships: Your reflections on your past relationship show personal growth. Knowing what you need in a partner—dependability and mutual effort—is key. If you reconnect, sharing your thoughts might bring clarity, whether for closure or exploring the relationship’s potential.

4. Hope and Gratitude: Missing the joy you once felt is natural, but this phase may be laying the foundation for brighter days. Gratitude practices can help ground you, and spending quiet weekends exploring hobbies or journaling might add a sense of meaning. It’s okay to feel both gratitude and discontent—they’re valid emotions and can coexist.

Finally, your post doesn’t feel ungrateful at all. It’s clear you appreciate the blessings in your life while being honest about your struggles. Life’s transitions can be messy, but the effort and reflection you’ve shown will help guide you forward.

Wishing you peace, clarity, and joy as you continue this journey. You’ve already come so far, and I truly believe brighter days are ahead for you.

anita

Dear Mollie:

You are very welcome! I would be glad to answer your questions tomorrow morning, in about 17 hours from now.

anita

Dear Molie:

First a little theory: black-and-white thinking and all-or-nothing thinking involve viewing things in extremes without considering the middle ground.

Black-and-White Thinking involves categorizing everything into extremes or absolutes, such as “good” or “bad,” “right” or “wrong,” without acknowledging complexity or nuance. For example, believing someone is either completely trustworthy or completely untrustworthy, without considering that trust may depend on circumstances: someone might be trustworthy with financial matters but not when it comes to keeping secrets. Someone who was once untrustworthy may regain trust over time by demonstrating consistent honesty.

All-or-Nothing Thinking focuses on polarized extremes in terms of success, outcomes, or expectations; often tied to perfectionism or unrealistic expectations. Examples, “If I don’t win first place, I’m a total failure.”, “If I don’t stick to my diet perfectly, I might as well give up entirely.

Children start with black-and-white and all-or-nothing thinking, which is a normal part of early cognitive development. They see things as absolute and struggle to understand complexity or ambiguity. As children grow and their brains develop, they gain the ability to consider multiple perspectives and understand nuance. By adolescence and adulthood, most individuals develop a greater capacity for seeing shades of gray and dealing with the complexities of life.

For a child in an unpredictable and frightening environment, black-and-white thinking provides a sense of control and certainty. In a world that feels chaotic, rigid absolutes can create the illusion of order and safety. For example: if something is either “right” or “wrong,” a child may believe they can avoid punishment by staying on the “right” side. Also, when anxiety is high, processing nuanced or conflicting ideas becomes overwhelming, so the mind seeks clarity through extremes.

And now, I’ll share a bit about my struggles with these matters, wondering to what extent, if any, you can relate:

My mother often criticized what I said, how I said it, and even what I failed to say. In an endless effort to avoid her criticisms, I began scrutinizing my thoughts, trying to get everything “just right” in my own head in the hope of preventing her disapproval. This led to chronic overthinking.

My mother was volatile, prone to temper tantrums and histrionics, including threats to kill herself or even me. As a result, I was a deeply anxious and often terrified child. Looking back, I can see how that constant state of fear and anxiety hindered my ability to develop complex thinking, such as seeing shades of gray. My overwhelming need for clarity drove me to seek absolutes, as nuance was too confusing to process in such a stressful environment. I didn’t feel safe enough to explore complexities—black-and-white thinking felt safer, so I clung to the simplicity of early childhood patterns of thought.

Using the word Stuck in the title you chose for your thread, I have been Stuck in early childhood thinking, and only recently did I start nuancing my thinking.

Reflecting on it, your 2021 HOCD seems to highlight all-or-nothing thinking. It appeared that you struggled with the idea of fitting into one rigid category—entirely straight (and never having a single thought about women), entirely lesbian, or bisexual—without considering the natural nuance of human thoughts and experiences. It’s worth noting that everyone has a range of thoughts, and those thoughts alone don’t define identity.

In May 2022, you mentioned “ROCD tendencies.”- I wonder if this also involved all-or-nothing thinking—perhaps an unrealistic expectation that everything in a relationship must be perfect, or else the relationship feels entirely wrong.

Yesterday, you shared: “In July 2024, I graduated from university… when I graduated, that time in my life was honestly blissful – I felt so positive and happy…”- I wonder if, according to all-or-nothing thinking, there was an expectation for that bliss to be permanent. If so, that would have been an unrealistic expectation, as life naturally ebbs and flows.

You also wrote: “I was so unhappy at my new job which I thought would be amazing and fulfilling, which it isn’t… and in some way (I’m not entirely sure how) I had started to question my career pathway that I had been so sure of.”- I wonder if an expectation that any job could be amazing and fulfilling forever contributed to your doubts about your career path.

Regarding your fitness journey, you shared: “My fitness journey has fluctuated where I would try and workout every day, to no days.”- This seems to reflect all-or-nothing behavior—pushing for “every day” consistency or giving up entirely.

You ended your original post with: “Ultimately I have good health and a lovely family and I think I have come far in the past few months but I still trip up here and then. I just think I had big expectations for this year which have not been met and I just want to make sense of this period in my life.”- I see a touch of nuance here, but perhaps there’s an opportunity to further refine or “nuance” those big expectations. Could your expectations further shift to allow for life’s ups and downs, recognizing that progress and fulfillment rarely follow a straight or perfect path?

anita