Hi Anita, thank you so much for checking in with me and for your response, and I am sorry for coming to this over a month late.

I remember reading your reply as soon as I received it in my inbox and saying the Serenity Prayer before I went to bed. The next day, I had reassurance from him that he would never act on his thoughts, and that just sometimes they take him there. I then remember feeling stuck in a limbo between ‘I have to prioritise my studies and move on with my life but I can’t fully do that whilst lending him a helping hand’. Consequently, I sent him a message saying I’m glad to hear that, have a very happy birthday on Monday (it was his birthday at the time) and then I haven’t spoken to him since. I miss him and hope he is doing well.

I am on week 11 of my studies and I’m finding it really tough, mentally and physically. I am trying hard to find gratitude and the joy in it – compared to what I was doing last year, it is much more intellectually stimulating and I have a lot more control over my life, whereas before, my entire existence was dependent on another person’s diary (I was a personal assistant). There are some days like today, where I feel overwhelmed by the tiredness and intensity of the course, which allows very limited time for relaxation and downtime, and in those times where I am resting, I feel so guilty for not studying. It’s a double-edged sword.

I am lucky that I have the support of my family and especially my parents, but sometimes even they are overwhelming. They come and stay and I overthink and worry about food for them, ensuring the flat is clean etc, even though they tell me not to worry. They consistently tell me how well I’m doing, and I appreciate it, but I still struggle.

My sleep is good for the most part, and I exercise 5 times a week. I eat well but I worry about my weight (as before, I was underweight and I lost my periods) and lack of movement as I spend a lot of time at my desk. I get up and move and walk when taking breaks.

I’m writing this very tired from this course and I’m much more positive when I am well-rested. But Anita, I must admit, I feel a bit sorry for myself. It’s like I’ve gone from one type of difficult to another. I know the power of rest is so important and not to be underestimated, especially on days like today. But I can’t seem to get it at the moment, even though I’m trying really hard.

There are only a few weeks until the Christmas break and I am hanging on until then. But then after, I have exams all throughout January – April.

Sorry to vent Anita and for the negativity. But thank you for listening. Sending warmth and good thoughts. I hope you are keeping well.

Yes, I believe I was an anxious woman from a young age as much as that pains me to admit.

Whilst I was confident and outspoken, there was a lot going on at home. My parents were worried about my brother, there were arguments at home, to the extent that I would develop tension in my tummy (what I now know to be anxiety).

I just am tired of feeling lost, Anita. I’m tired of my brain going into overdrive when I am tired. I wish I could just hug my inner child and make her feel safe and that there was no rush. One thing about this course is that it’s jam-packed, full of classes and exams, with no breathing space. And I feel that with London too. And with OCD mindset, there is the B/W thinking. Which I am getting much better at exiting and embracing the grey and messiness of life.

I suppose days like today, where you wake up and don’t feel like it, and don’t achieve what you hope to, don’t make us failures, but make us human. I don’t necessarily need to jeopardise the idea of being a lawyer. But I want it to come from my own heart. And, because I was achieving all the time and trying to achieve the best at school, my parents (as much as I love them) perpetuate the cycle of this is the profession for you, because it’s the best one and you are the best. as much as they say they’ll always support me, I don’t know whether it’s always true.

Peace 💚