Hi Anita, thank you so much for checking in with me and for your response, and I am sorry for coming to this over a month late.

I remember reading your reply as soon as I received it in my inbox and saying the Serenity Prayer before I went to bed. The next day, I had reassurance from him that he would never act on his thoughts, and that just sometimes they take him there. I then remember feeling stuck in a limbo between ‘I have to prioritise my studies and move on with my life but I can’t fully do that whilst lending him a helping hand’. Consequently, I sent him a message saying I’m glad to hear that, have a very happy birthday on Monday (it was his birthday at the time) and then I haven’t spoken to him since. I miss him and hope he is doing well.

I am on week 11 of my studies and I’m finding it really tough, mentally and physically. I am trying hard to find gratitude and the joy in it – compared to what I was doing last year, it is much more intellectually stimulating and I have a lot more control over my life, whereas before, my entire existence was dependent on another person’s diary (I was a personal assistant). There are some days like today, where I feel overwhelmed by the tiredness and intensity of the course, which allows very limited time for relaxation and downtime, and in those times where I am resting, I feel so guilty for not studying. It’s a double-edged sword.

I am lucky that I have the support of my family and especially my parents, but sometimes even they are overwhelming. They come and stay and I overthink and worry about food for them, ensuring the flat is clean etc, even though they tell me not to worry. They consistently tell me how well I’m doing, and I appreciate it, but I still struggle.

My sleep is good for the most part, and I exercise 5 times a week. I eat well but I worry about my weight (as before, I was underweight and I lost my periods) and lack of movement as I spend a lot of time at my desk. I get up and move and walk when taking breaks.

I’m writing this very tired from this course and I’m much more positive when I am well-rested. But Anita, I must admit, I feel a bit sorry for myself. It’s like I’ve gone from one type of difficult to another. I know the power of rest is so important and not to be underestimated, especially on days like today. But I can’t seem to get it at the moment, even though I’m trying really hard.

There are only a few weeks until the Christmas break and I am hanging on until then. But then after, I have exams all throughout January – April.

Sorry to vent Anita and for the negativity. But thank you for listening. Sending warmth and good thoughts. I hope you are keeping well.

Yes, I believe I was an anxious woman from a young age as much as that pains me to admit.

Whilst I was confident and outspoken, there was a lot going on at home. My parents were worried about my brother, there were arguments at home, to the extent that I would develop tension in my tummy (what I now know to be anxiety).

I just am tired of feeling lost, Anita. I’m tired of my brain going into overdrive when I am tired. I wish I could just hug my inner child and make her feel safe and that there was no rush. One thing about this course is that it’s jam-packed, full of classes and exams, with no breathing space. And I feel that with London too. And with OCD mindset, there is the B/W thinking. Which I am getting much better at exiting and embracing the grey and messiness of life.

I suppose days like today, where you wake up and don’t feel like it, and don’t achieve what you hope to, don’t make us failures, but make us human. I don’t necessarily need to jeopardise the idea of being a lawyer. But I want it to come from my own heart. And, because I was achieving all the time and trying to achieve the best at school, my parents (as much as I love them) perpetuate the cycle of this is the profession for you, because it’s the best one and you are the best. as much as they say they’ll always support me, I don’t know whether it’s always true.

Peace 💚

Hi Anita,

Thank you always for your support.

I have reflected over the past few days, caught up on my sleep a little bit and feel a bit clearer coming to the forum.

I believe that I conflate the idea of being ‘forced to be a lawyer’ with my parents’ frustration at my low moments because they see my potential to succeed – and they don’t like what my previous job did to me in terms of my confidence and charisma. I suppose when they see flashes of questioning in too much depth, they worry and try and keep me on track. And therein lies the feeling of feeling pushed or forced, but honestly the lawyer thing has been my idea.

I heard something sad today that my friend’s dad took his own life. Often news like this can be clarifying in terms of perspective and I do feel lucky to have their unwavering support. It doesn’t mean that sometimes it can feel overwhelming, but I do feel very fortunate in terms of the love and support they can offer me.

I am hoping you are well too. Sending peace and thanks 💚

Hi Anita,
I hope you are doing well and I hope you have enjoyed a peaceful festive season.

Yes, often a lot of they, which sits in tension between me and my own thoughts, i.e., did I do this to myself? Am I making the right choice?

I am feeling stuck, a bit low and sad to report that I have just binged on chocolate. I just am stuck in this loop of feeling tired > worrying about my weight, given a relatively sedentary lifestyle as a student even though I am trying to exercise and eat well > turning to poorer decisions with food > having moments of guilt after eating said food. It feels like a loop that I cannot see through until April 2026, when the exams will be over.
All of the advice: “go to bed early”, “Eat healthy”, “move often”, “don’t overthink it” is ringing in my ears and I am trying my best to live by it but moments like these make it hard. I relentlessly cry and although I speak to my Mum and therapist about it, and quitting is not what I want to do, I just am seeing the next few months down a barrel but desperately want to hold onto hope.

I’m really sorry for coming to you with a host of different problems. This sounds selfish but I have sort of had enough with the mental battles/adversity/difficult experiences and feel as if I have gone from one hard experience to another, but that through my own mind, I am making things worse than they are?

Peace,
Riya <3

Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for your response.

My relationship with them is fine. I am close with them, particularly my Mum. I’m in a middle ground as I rely on them for support and at the moment have not much energy left for socialising outside of my bubble; they want to help me by cooking and cleaning for me and they keep saying that accepting help is a sign of strength, not weakness; all this to say that they are frustrating at times – probably because they are trying really hard to understand and be on the journey with me when their parents were not on the journey with them.

My body issues I think go to the fact that I don’t want to look like my Dad. He is fit and healthy for his age but like a lot of people has a bit of a tummy and when I see him eat chocolate and carbs it sort of disgusts me but I am no different 😔 so it’s an awful thing to admit and I am ashamed to say it.

I feel like I have been through many seasons with my body – overweight, underweight, defined, loose. I guess I am still on that quest for feeling my best self and that quest is frustrating at times.

Right now, I would love to be travelling. Outside, warm weather, alone or with someone. Not sedentary. But as life goes, I am exactly where I am supposed to be and I keep reminding myself of this tenet.

Thank you for sharing your own experience. It is hopeful that you made it through and I can too. How was that journey for you, if I may ask?

Mollie 💚

Anita, thank you so much for sharing. It’s so lovely to hear how you have progressed and you haven’t looked back. Of course, as with these things, there are moments of difficulty (like never liking to gain weight, I can relate to that).

I too would like to lose weight and for a long time put it off because I was scared of relapsing into restriction. But I trust myself more now. And I know that I can find the balance between being restrictive and indulgent : two ends of the spectrum that I have stood on and neither fully aligning with who I am. I think I have compared myself with how I was at school – which is hard to emulate given that I was not conscious of how much I was eating and moving, those things just seemed to flow. I one day hope to get back to that. I’ve faced the past five years of
1. Overindulgent
2. Fitting myself to my first boyfriend’s taste
3. Losing the weight due to break up grief
4. A non-focused weight year
5. Working a stressful job and using food as an emotional comfort, particularly living alone, and then living a binge-restrict cycle where I was my lowest weight ever and lost my period 🙁
6. Dabbling between the school of ‘eat what you want when you want’ but this not aligning with me and being reminiscent of year 1. I am determined not to repeat the cycle!

Why do you think these things happen to us? I wonder about that sometimes. I’ve sort of outlined my reasons, if you want to share I would love to hear.

And thank you for saying that about parental perfectionism. I am too hard on them sometimes and forget they are human too.

My intention today was be grateful and I feel very grateful that despite a tough, non-productive day, I experienced what I did; and turned to Tiny Buddha. I feel supported by you so I thank you.

Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for sharing your story and what you do to help yourself.

I am considering not eating carbs, cutting out chocolate and cake (cold turkey) and trying to do 9,000 steps in a day. The problem with my study is that I sit for a great proportion of the day and some days I have to take a big walk or run instead of small breaks with quick walks.

I’m still figuring it out and hoping that I find something that helps me; not looking too far ahead. A degree of acceptance is required (that it is how my life is currently but won’t always be like this, but is this me being lazy?)

Grappling between whether I’m being too restrictive, versus knowing that cold turkey can sometimes be the way to do things and has worked for me in the past.

Anyway, wishing you a wonderful New Year. I hope it brings you joy, prosperity, love and good health.

Thank you as always for your support and work you do on this forum, with me, and others. It truly does make a difference.

♥️ mollie