Dear ginn:

Please take your time reading the replies you are receiving, take your time considering and taking them in, one at a time, not all at once. No reason at all to rush. Here is my input today:

Your father made a couple of mistakes which he still repeats. He wanted to toughen up his child, to make her strong (so that she will be successful and earn enough money to help the family, and for him to retire early), but instead he made his daughter weak.

He thought that if he criticized you for “being so weak and useless“, you will think something like this: oh, I didn’t know that I shouldn’t be weak and useless, my father doesn’t like me weak, therefore, I should be strong, and now that I know, I will be strong! And then, because you had this thought, and because you don’t want more hurtful criticism, you would become strong and useful.

But neither a thought nor fear of hurtful criticism can make a child strong. After all, you had these kinds of thoughts many times during your life, as a child and as an adult, and you feared your father’s criticism since early on, and yet, these did not make you strong!

Here is what he should have done so to make you strong: when you “cried because I was stressed about small things“- in a gentle fatherly voice and with a kind look in his eyes, he should have told you something like this: I understand, my precious daughter. It is difficult to ____ (example: study 50 pages in a book for a test in two days). I will help you and we can do this together. You are upset right now, so I will make you hot chocolate and you can drink it while watching ____ (your favorite TV show) for half an hour. After that I will sit with you as you study the first page. I will then leave you alone to study the next 4 pages. When you are done, call me and tell me what you learned from the first 5 pages, and we’ll take it from there, together.

If he said something like the above, you would have felt supported, like you are not alone when something is difficult. If he carried on the plan in the example above, and you managed to study the first 25 pages that evening, and 25 pages the next day, and on the third, had the test and succeeded, you would have felt successful. You would have learned that when a task is difficult and stressful, you can do it anyway because you are not alone, there is someone to help you, someone to make you feel better and help you make a plan that works!

Alone and unsupported- we get weak, Together and supported- we get strong. This is the case because as humans, we are social animals. And just like other social animals, we need the help of others, we need to feel that together feeling.

So, you see, what you needed was more than the thought: I should be strong! What you needed was that together feeling and a workable plan.

Fast forward, you are not earning money to help the family because of his repeated mistakes. It is the consequence of his words and hurtful criticism. You can think of it this way: let’s say he picked up a lamp and threw it to the floor. The lamp breaks, no light. Who made it happen, who caused it?

Good thing that you are a person and not a lamp, because a broken lamp can’t fix itself, but for a human, it is possible.

You wrote: When I cried because I was stressed about small things, he would (say)… how could I achieve bigger things in life if I can’t even handle a little stress and small obstacles?

He didn’t understand that Rome wasn’t built in one day. To make a child successful, you have to start small and build up. When he said the above, he minimized the importance of the “small obstacles”. These were small obstacles in his adult mind, but not in a mind of a child. For you, these were big obstacles. He should have validated to you that the obstacles you faced were indeed big, but when faced together, with kindness and support, you can successfully face these obstacles. Together, they are not too big.

You needed kindness and togetherness, not hurtful criticism. Your teacher made a similar mistake when she did the following: “My teacher criticised  in front of the whole class and told me that she was so disappointed in me…  and half of the girls in the class boycotted me“- parents and teachers should be very careful when criticizing a child. Criticism should be gentle, aimed at correcting specific mistakes without shaming and humiliating the child! All children need support and that together feeling, not being isolated/ boycotted!

“I was too impulsive and wanted to be successful overnight…  always thinking of achieving bigger goals overnight“- because your father presented to you the belief that small things don’t matter and the “bigger things in life” (his words) are all that matter, you believe it yourself, avoiding the small things and wanting the “bigger goals overnight” (your words).

“I like being creative about design, but the design process- I don’t like. For example: I like to stir-fry food, but I hate chopping or cutting the meat“- chopping the food is the small task, the small obstacle, but stir frying the food is the big task (correct?), and in your mind, the small tasks are of no importance.

“I don’t know what’s my passion“- find worth in the small tasks, open your mind to the reality that small tasks and small obstacles do matter, they are important! Believing this will make it possible for you to feel interest and passion in doing small things, things that … really are not small at all. This, I think, will be the beginning of you no longer “feeling stuck, repeated pattern” (the title of your thread). Focusing and finding worth and renewed interest in the small tasks can be your new pattern, and the miracle that will spark and change your life (“Like waiting one day, miracle or a spark will change my life”). We can talk about how to achieve this spark later.

anita

Dear ginn,

I would just like to add something else, which I think is important. You said:

Here’s the repeated pattern, resigned my job to stay at home hoping for doing something bigger to change my life or the world.

The desire to do something important and “change the world” is very familiar to me. I had the same desire in the past, and I can tell you that it stemmed from my low sense of self-worth. I believed I needed to do something big, so I would finally feel worthy. It wasn’t a conscious thought, but it was still driving me unconsciously.

Like you, I always dreamed about big things, but never really did any of them (Unfortunately, all the thoughts just in my mind, no actions are taken.)

I never felt capable enough. I felt stuck, like you, between big dreams and no realization. The reason for that pattern is low self-esteem and the need to prove your worth, both to yourself but mostly to your parents.

Dear ginn

“I always thought that if my parents or someone else spoke to me in a gentle voice it would make me weaker or would make me…  depends on someone“-before a toddler can walk independently, he needs to depend on someone: to hold someone’s hand as he takes his first steps. Later, after enough practice, the hand is removed, and the infant can walk all by himself. Similarly, for a child (or an adult), to be emotionally independent-enough, the child has to depend on someone else first.

We are all born dependent, physically and emotionally. The shift from dependence to independence needs to be done gently and gradually.

“I always thought… that my father was right and that he should be strict with me to make me stronger and more independent in life“- back to the infant who cannot yet walk independently, let’s say the infant is upright for a moment, holding on to a chair. What would help the infant start walking: a gentle, guiding hand or a rough push?

The rough push will cause the upright infant to Fall, not to Walk!

Also, it’s not the infant’s choice to not walk, the infant is not refusing to walk so to annoy the parent; the infant naturally cannot yet walk, and he is naturally afraid to walk and fall. Fear needs to be managed with gentleness not with strictness!

“This also made me never seek help from others; I always tried my best to do everything on my own“- like I said, you first have to depend on another before you can become independent. For you, to become emotionally and practically independent, you need to depend on someone first: to seek help and receive help. It’s still the same rule for you, as an adult, as it was when you were a child: dependence first, independence next.

“If someone criticizes me, it triggers a panic attack. Every time I meet anyone or a stranger, I have to be constantly on guard in case others will criticize me“- being criticized is like that rough push I mentioned, a push that causes you to fall, emotionally.

“I always look down on the little things and think they are too boring“- maybe because in fantasy, when you imagine things, everything is easy, fast and magnificent, like in a movie. But real life is slow and often difficult. In fantasy you can become an international superstar and perform in five countries all in five minutes. In real life, it will take years to be competent enough to dance in a local charity event.

“I always make mistakes in small things. While looking down on the small things, afraid to do the big things. How should I break this?“- Mindfulness teaches us to slow down, to focus on one small thing at a time, and engage our senses and attention in that one small thing. With mindfulness, you will make fewer mistakes, grow confident and gradually move to bigger things.

anita

Happy New Year, ginn, and may I add: Happy New Year to you, TeaK: you are an asset to these forums, if I may say so, much appreciated!

anita

Dear ginn:

Like I suggested before, please take your time reading and processing the replies that you are receiving. I like the 1-5 lessons that you listed, lessons that you need to learn. I re-read all your previous posts so to be able to comment and elaborate on the lessons that you listed.

“1.  It is time to rely on others, seek help when needed” – yes, but be selective as to whom you rely on. Rely on people whose criticism is gentle and reasonable; do not rely on people whose criticism is harsh and/ or unreasonable. Rely on people who support you unconditionally: when you are strong and when you are weak, when you are winning and when you are losing. Do not rely on people who support you conditionally: only when you are strong and winning.

“2. It is okay to be weak and vulnerable, and vulnerability is an asset, not an obstacle” – it is okay to be weak but feeling weak can feel badly (“Feeling weak and vulnerable is really sucks“), especially when you are taught that to feel weak is a bad/ shameful thing. Next time you feel weak, try to peel off the bad/ shameful part that that is attached to the feeling of weakness.

In your recent post you sounded optimistic, but the unpleasant and painful feelings that you described (“I’m tired of my life… I felt stressed…couldn’t find the spark or joy in work… I cry every day… I have lost my motivation and I’m not interested in anything anymore… I was overwhelmed by my own emotions“)- these feelings will return. Maybe you already felt badly between the time that you submitted your recent optimistic post and the time you are reading this post.  When new optimism is met with feeling badly again and again, and yet again, most people lose their optimism and give up, concluding that whatever lessons they thought they learned- those lessons don’t really work in real life, or that they are too weak to actualize those lessons.

To avoid this common obstacle on one’s healing path, please understand that after you learn new and exciting things, after you feel optimistic- the unpleasant and painful feelings that you are in the habit of feeling, these feelings will return. It is to be expected. The key is to not give up, and instead, to persist! It will take months or longer of persistent practice to finally feel better long-term. When you feel badly the next time, say to yourself something like: this is to be expected. Even though I feel badly, I can still think rationally, and I can still function better than before!

“3. Don’t listen to external or inner critic, tell myself I’m good enough, is okay to fail and fear” – same principle as in regard to feeling badly: your harsh, unreasonable inner critic will continue to do its job because it’s in the habit of doing its job the way it does. When you notice its harsh and/ or unreasonable criticism, remind yourself that this too is to be expected. Then talk to yourself, give voice to a new inner critic, a developing gentle and reasonable new inner critic.

“4. Slow down and don’t rush for big goals. Instead try to accomplish small little goals and enjoy during the process of achieving them” – read about Mindfulness, including on the home page of this website, at the top, under BLOG.

“5. Have daily resolutions, not yearly resolutions” – yes, make those first thing in the morning, and/ or on the night before. Don’t make too many resolutions at any one time, see to it that each resolution is doable, and state each clearly and simply.

I am adding a few suggestions:

* Whenever you feel badly about not living up to your father’s expectations and making it possible for him to retire early, remind yourself that this failure is a consequence of his actions as your father. A father is a very powerful figure in his daughter’s life, and so, if he wants his daughter to be strong, he shouldn’t make her weak with harsh, unreasonable criticism and conditional support. The Law of Cause and Effect (effect= consequence) is a natural law that exists in all contexts, it’s never been possible for you to be strong by being made weak.

* Avoid reacting impulsively to feeling badly by doing the following: “I always ran away from problems and challenges…So I resigned…  I dropped out… I quit the job“. When you feel badly, do something to feel better: maybe take a hot shower or bath, drink hot tea, or go for a walk outside, do some other exercise, listen to a calming guided meditation, or to your favorite music. After you calm down, then think about what, if anything, you should do next.

* Work on regulating your emotions (you can research emotional regulation, if you would like), so that you don’t experience emotional extremes and therefore, become overwhelmed. For example, you wrote: “If I work the job I hate it just for money, I will feel my life is dead“- if you feel significantly less than hate and dead, you are not likely to become overwhelmed and react impulsively to the emotional extremes by, for example, quitting jobs.

* “I’m too worried about the uncertainty of the future”– try to regulate/ lessen the intensity of that worry.

You wrote:  “I want to have a better version of myself in 2022… I want to make improvement day by day and become a better me, most importantly break free from my tower!“- I wish the better version of you a Happy New Year, and a 2022 freedom from that tower! Thank you for your kind wishes for me, and please feel comfortable to post again any time: the road ahead will not an easy road and you will need support!

anita

Dear ginn,

I always have plan after I quit my job, but once I quit it, I’m too lazy to execute the plan. Probably I need to deal with laziness and procrastination too.

How feasible or realistic is that plan? Earlier you said:

Here’s the repeated pattern, resigned my job to stay at home hoping for doing something bigger to change my life or the world.

If your plan is to do something big that will “change the world”, no wonder you feel overwhelmed by it. Perhaps the first thing would be to evaluate how feasible the plan is, is it just “a pie in the sky”, or it’s feasible but you need to break it down into smaller steps, make an action plan etc…