March 13, 2017 at 1:48 am #139167
So not really sure what I’m hoping to gain. I haven’t posted for myself in a while, just trying to help others. For those who don’t know my history I broke up with my ex in June last year but had a lot of contact ever since, until recently really. We moved in very quick, were together nearly two years and I took on his son as my own. Anyway, I have had good and bad days ever since, mainly good though. I met up with him yesterday, on the basis on cleaning the slate and clearing the air.. it was nice we just spoke like normal and it made me feel happy to finally remember all the good times as opposed to the bad that I have been remembering ever since our split (he’s not been nice since our split, so these are the most prominent memories of him). Anyway, I’m not having mixed feelings about him or anything, I care for him as a person but I realised yesterday he is no longer the person I knew and a future between us is not possible.
For years I have battled with feeling lonely, although I have lots of people around me, that I know love me. Although I’ve never really been able to pinpoint this loneliness I think its due to a lot of things, dysfunctional relationships etc, but probably from losing my Nan & Grandad, as we were very close. Because of this loneliness I have always seeked approval from men. This has never succeeded because I’ve realised I can’t fill this loneliness gap with men, or anyone, but myself. I’ve been alone (single) for the longest time in my life now, which is 8 months (which isn’t even really that long) and I can feel the loneliness kicking in that little bit more today – I’m learning to sit with it and acknowledge it. I’ve been reading lots of self compassion books and have been practising self love as I know this is what my loneliness boils down too.
I know I’m not ready to get back out there as the thought of dating terrifies me, I think because I feel vulnerable to get involved in something out of loneliness again – I’ve had a few propositions of meeting and having potential dates but have said no.
Very broad question for someone else to answer as I know myself best, but at what point do I know this loneliness has dissolved and I’m not just building up walls to protect me not entering into a relationship with someone out of loneliness?
I also need to add that my life is very full at the moment, I am doing things I enjoy, with people I love regularly so I am fulfilling myself in that respect.
March 13, 2017 at 7:41 am #139221
- This topic was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by Poppyxo.
If you have a lot of people around you that love you, that’s a good sign. The good sign is that you appear to be naturally likable and that people are drawn to you. No need to go on dating sites or actively look for someone. I bet that someone will enter your life naturally. Just let it happen. No seeking, just receiving.
InkyMarch 13, 2017 at 12:02 pm #139277
I looked at the last thread you started. You wrote there, January 2017, about your fear of being alone. But that is not the only fear you mentioned there. You wrote: “fear of being alone, not being my authentic self, fear of not fitting in, … fear of rejection.”
I noticed that as you replied to others’ threads, you were careful, at times, to not read others’ responses so to be able to form your authentic responses.
There is a fear of being alone and there is also the fear of the price you paid in the past to not be alone. That price was to be inauthentic, that is not being true to yourself.
I hope this answers your question above (let me know): when you are confident enough in your ability to continue to be authentic, true to yourself (no longer paying the price of inauthenticity, of accommodating the other at a detriment to yourself), then you are ready for a new relationship.
anitaMarch 13, 2017 at 3:13 pm #139321
Thank you both.
It’s funny, I had a bad night, or lack of, sleep last night & my mood has finally lifted & reading back over this my first thought was “why do you need a relationship to feel complete?” & That’s generally my thoughts when people come on this site asking the same type of question. I guess I’m putting too much pressure on myself.. 8 months single isn’t a long time at all. I just don’t want to put up so many barriers in fear of getting back in the same circle I’ve been in, so that I push away guys who could have potential & that be my new “obstacle” as opposed to fear of being alone, so almost trading in one for another. Does that make sense?March 21, 2017 at 4:17 am #140891
Best thing I can give you as advice is, embrace your loneliness! Get comfortable in your company. I feel very lonely at times, I’ve Ben single 13 years, I have friends and children. Though I share a lot of my life with them, I can’t share certain things like I’d be able with a man in my life. I’ve come to except over the years that though being lonely sucks, it’s better to be on my own, then with someone who isn’t right just doe the sake of having someone. My escape from it is reading, it keeps my mind busy and stops me from feeling sorry for myself when the loneliness kicks in. You’ll find your thing to help manage it. But it’s in you, not anyone else. Hope this helps x
Caroline.March 27, 2017 at 2:42 am #142289
Thank you for this.
Well done for embracing your ‘aloneness’ for 13 years, wow!
I am trying to embrace my loneliness as much as I can, I’ve even now got a diary with each day pretty much filled! I read lots, meditate, catch up on trash TV (I do enjoy this lol), spend time with friends and family.. I’m actually about to embark on a humanitarian trip to Africa – once I’m back from this I will probably laugh at this post!
It’s weird as I don’t want anyone else at the moment, but can feel so alone.
I think it’s because normally I’d be getting into a relationship by now to mask over the loneliness so that I don’t have to feel it and just ignore it therefore it’s not ‘normal’ and my mind is like ‘WHATS THIS?’ .. the old fight or flight situation, where I usually flight by now I’m having to fight…. I guess I just got to fight it.