I don’t know how it happened. I know I’ve been under so much pressure for so long… But I was coping as well as could be expected, was taking care of myself, eating right… exercising… reading… learning. Last week for some reason everything stopped. I had no motivation to do these things. I didn’t even notice that I had stopped taking my vitamins. I became very sad and obsessive about little things. Something very hurtful happened, on top of everything else, and without even noticing I started to fall apart. After several days of severe panic attacks and an emotional roller coaster… I finally reached out for help from a couple of friends and went to the doctor. I have not been this bad in a long time.

Today I’m a little foggy with medicine head… I’ve been given an antidepressant to cope in the meantime, and I forgot just how much this one effects me at first. It’s been years. I just don’t get it. No matter how hard I try or how hard I work… It’s like every time I go through this cycle of everything around me crumbling, the anxiety becomes worse. Mind over matter is not helping this time… because the familiar feeling of free-falling in exactly the same way as before is a snowballing fear for me. It just keeps growing all the way down the mountain. So many of these things are circumstances out of my control. So much of it boils down to trust and love and family… and the feeling of being cheated and of not being where I would like to be with my family life. It’s anger and resentment for those who continue to hurt my family through the courts for their own purposes.

Heaven help me… I was in such a good place and now I’m lost. I have less than 2 months to move back home with limited funds and resources… But I have to do it to be back in my support circle and start my life over. We need the fresh start. I don’t know what to do. Even meditation is difficult… I can’t quiet my mind… the anxiety is creeping into every single thing I do.