Dear VJ:

I didn’t read your thread until a short while ago. If I knew of it earlier, I would have answered earlier.

It reads to me that your fiancé already chose his parents over you. It is already done. If you got married with him, living with his parents, your life would be miserable, more than it is now.

I don’t think that his mother’s behavior is a result of the tragedy in her life, losing one of her sons. She was probably a problem before that, a problem from which all her children suffered. And then your parents suffered and you suffered and still do.

One person can cause a lot of misery to a lot of other people. Avail yourself to her, and there will be more of it, more misery. Marry him, and there will be misery for your children, her grandchildren.

You asked how to face society after this. Question: does society know about your past pregnancy? His parents don’t know, your parents don’t. How will anyone else know?

anita

It is in your best interests that you let this go. It’s going to hurt (and probably for awhile) but getting involved with this family, in particular the mother-in-law, will cause you nothing but strife and unhappiness in life. Based on what you wrote, I am offended on your behalf for how she has treated you and your family. It’s shameful. I am very impressed with your own parents. They tried their best and went above-and-beyond for these people to the point of apologizing for things that they shouldn’t have.

I feel like there is a cultural component here too. Are you from India or Indian background? I get the impression that you are based on certain statements, including the one about “what will society think?”. I dated an Indian a few years ago (I am caucasian). In that experience, I learned that love and relationships have a different meaning. Perhaps his family is more conservative in their approach to these things. I feel they aren’t seeing you (or your family) as human beings, but rather commodities.

Trust the advice here. You can – and will – do so much better in life. Do not accept this abuse (and it IS abuse).

I’ve learned that family “pull” is very, very strong in India. There is a sense of obligation towards parents and what they want over someone’s own happiness. I don’t necessarily agree with this. I, like you, envision a world where EVERYONE can be happy and where mother-in-laws aren’t in competition with the daughter-in-laws but that is simply not the case. The mother-in-law has positioned herself as a queen in this scenario and I believe she would do anything to maintain that position. You would always be second. In fact, I believe you would be treated worse than second based on what she’s done already. The woman is a terrible person. I hope you realize that you are worth better than that.

I imagine the parents are probably holding things over your exes head, such as money, status, etc. This is very manipulative on their part, and not very loving towards their own son, but it goes towards getting what they want which is power. I pity that your ex may also never know love and courage but that is his choice. He is choosing what is easy.

You can make your own choices now.

Personally,  I would cease communication with him. This will be difficult but the more you cling to something that could never be, the more it will prolong the pain. If you talk daily now, transition to talking maybe once a week. If you talk once a week, transition to once a month … I feel the longer you can go without talking to him, the easier it will be for you to move on.

Again, I realize this isn’t easy. I have been there myself. But for your own wellbeing, it is essential. I would recommend spending time with your family now (they sound like wonderful people, truly) and perhaps exploring your hobbies or building your career. I am happy that you intend to make this a focus. Strong learning will lead to a strong career which will lead to a strong woman who will REALLY be able to stand up for herself in the future.

My main concern for you right now is what happened to me. I was dating an Indian who strung me along. I then discovered his parents were trying to arrange a marriage for him so I dumped him. Two months later he got married. This was incredibly painful for me and I have spent a significant amount of time having it affect my life, mental health, confidence, other relationships, etc. I don’t want to see you in that position where you continue to communicate with him, believing that there might be a future, only to have something similar happen. It can destroy you if you let it and you don’t deserve that.

I have to go to work but will be back on later if you need to chat more.

Hi VJ,

Your parents gave his parents a present they didn’t like and look how his mother reacted. Now imagine if you LIVED with her! NO. You cannot marry a man with a mother like this! The upset has nothing to do with the gift. It was an upset waiting to happen. It could have been anything that would set her off. This woman is nuts.

Guess what.. I prophesy that he will remain single forever because of her.

Let him cling to his mother. If you were Western I’d tell you to date other people. Since you are Indian, tell him that you are ready for your parents to look for other potential husbands for you. This will make him either come to his senses and commit to you or solidify his commitment to his original family.

Time for everyone to be free.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Inky.