She is not the one @shaheed. Redirect your energy and thought power to something else, or someone else.
Time will pass and this will also pass. In a few years it will be like a distant memory and a blessing to not be involved with such person. She will do what she did to you to someone else, and someone else will do that to her – it’s a circle that you don’t want to be a part of.

Find a greater purpose my friend. This situation will be just something that came and gone – even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. I was once in a similar place, in love to the degree of being possessed with someone that cheated on me. Thought that the hurt will never stop. Fast forward 10 years, I have a family with a loving wife and an adorable daughter.

And that someone is nothing but a distant memory with no value.

You will get through this.

Shaheed,

Breaking up is always hard, especially when it is our first love or someone that we feel so attached too for such a long time. I would suggest that if you are interested in understanding love from a totally different perspective that you read a few books by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist Zen monk who talks about love without attachment, selfishness or desire. In the West, we are caught up with the fairytale “Mr/Ms. Right” which is not what true love is really about. Thich Nhat Hanh explains all of this beautifully and if nothing else, he will offer you some insight about relationships which you have never taught about before.

I leave you with one last thought – true love must start with you loving yourself first. That takes a lifetime of work but unless you begin with yourself, you will walk around this world half asleep which most people are doing.

Take care and be wise.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by zenkoans.

Dear Shaheed:

I understand you are grieving some sort of a relationship with her, some sort of closeness, definitely. What is vague is what kind of a relationship she had with you/ you had with her… and what kind of a relationship she had with the guy who left her and for whom she left you for… what is unclear is the definitions of relationships here.

If the other guy was not her boyfriend, as she told you- then what was he before and what is he now… and what is the nature of the relationship you had with her, from which you are grieving- these are not clear to me and I am thinking, these may not be clear to you either.

Have to have some definitions, some clearer understanding- I need that. Maybe you need it too? If you do- in future communication with her/ any other woman- talk about the nature of the relationship, what it means, what are the … rules, so to speak. Is it a monogamous bf/ gf relationship? Is it a friendship for the time being, when the two of you are in-between bf/gf relationships with other people..?

The definitions or rules-of-relating are important because without those, I don’t know what you are grieving- a lost friendship, a loss of physically intimate bf/gf relationship? A betrayal of promises made or a disappointment of things expected or hoped for by one of you, but not discussed with the other…

anita

Dear Shaheed:

I re-read all your posts on this thread. Clearly, you are emotionally attached to her and, not being in an intimate relationship with her anymore, hurts, especially since you see her daily and are aware of her dating someone else, a new guy and maybe the old (friends-with-benefits type) guy.

When you had a monogamous relationship with her, for one year, it meant more to you than it meant to her, seems to me. The two of you have different values, when it comes to intimate relationships: you take such seriously (therefore are currently devastated) while she takes such lightly, so it seems. So as you struggle with the loss of the object of your attachment, she is busy with a new (and old) objects of attachments to replace you. And probably all of her objects-of-attachment are of a lesser intense attachment.

She is more diluted that way, superficial. Do you agree?

anita

Dear Shaheed:

If you got back with her, as a girlfriend, you will be in the danger of her giving you up again, way more easily than you would give up on her. She may give you up because of a physical attraction to another, and/ or because you and her are having a problem. Because her attachment is way more superficial than yours, she will be less invested in a relationship with you, as she has been.

Better get involved with a woman more invested, with a stronger attachment ability, to match yours. With such a woman you can relax, have time to solve problems, knowing she is invested, that she is not likely to leave you.

If you agree to this as well, then to deal with your attachment to this woman, as you see her daily, think these things to yourself, repeat the truth in your own mind, re-state to yourself that you have to endure this pain, feel it and let it be, because there is nothing for you to do.

There is nothing you should be doing because having her back in your life is not for your benefit and is very likely to bring more pain, again and again.

There is nothing for you to do but to experience the pain. Don’t be afraid of this pain, it will not kill you. So no need to be desperate. You are safe, there is nothing for you to do, and you will feel better soon enough.

Learn from this and pay attention that the next woman you get involved with forms a deeper attachment than this woman.

anita