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Fixing the relationship with my relatives.

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 5 days ago.

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  • #311105

    Milo
    Participant

    Hi all;

    My a 28 year old male , and my relatives have a negative view towards me. A few weeks back my uncle (my fathers brother) had an cardiac arrest and was admitted to a hospital. As soon as my father got the news he called me up and asked me to come along with him to visit my uncle. I don’t hold any emotional stakes over my uncles health ,or i don’t even care if he had lived or died that day(meaning i wouldn’t cry over him). So i told my dad ” I’m busy today” but truth to be told i had some work that day, still i could have moved it and visited my uncle. My dad told “OK” and went over to visit my uncle, I don’t know what happen between my father and my relatives or what he told to them about me. That evening i get a call from my sister screaming at me on the phone about not visiting the hospital. I said to her ” i had work” and she was unsatisfied with my response. I haven’t talked with my relatives after that, i was never close with my relative the last i met my relatives was 3 years ago, and i never had any deep conversations with them. But i know i have to deal with them eventually like when any part of the family dies, i have to go and pay respects. So how do i address this situation when they ask me about this, what can i say to defuse the tension ?  .You can give funny answers

    #311115

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Milo:

    I understand you don’t have a relationship with your uncle, your father’s brother and so, you didn’t care to visit him in the hospital.

    But your father who asked you to join him at the hospital, do you care about your father; what is your relationship with your father like?

    (I ask so to have some idea about ho to answer your question)

    anita

    #311125

    Milo
    Participant

    My father is a 70 year old hard working medical college professor, and is still working instead of retiring, i had took care of him when he had fallen sick, i had cleaned stuff when he messes up  literally and metaphorically. I respect him a lot as an individual and what he has been through, i do love him but in the hierarchy of things i love he lies under some people like for example, if he is on his death bed and he ask me to go some place and distribute his ashes in to some river, i won’t be doing that thing after his death.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by  Milo.
    #311149

    Valora
    Participant

    Milo,

    Can I ask what stops you from doing these things for people? It’s very good that you cared for your dad when he was sick and cleaned up for him, etc., but what would stop you from honoring his last wish?  Your feelings for your uncle aside, it likely would’ve meant a lot to your dad to have you there with him for support. Did he show you support as you were growing up or not really so supportive?

    I’m really sort of at a loss at the moment when it comes to what you can say to diffuse the tension with your family because they’re probably viewing what you did (or didn’t do, as it were) as very unsupportive, and that’s likely why they’re upset, and you also seem kind of cold about people in some ways (not caring if someone lives or dies, for instance). That really seems like you have a lack of empathy. I’m just trying to get an idea for where your head is at with all of this and might be able to be more helpful then… but if you don’t genuinely care about how others feel, then I’m not sure there’s actually a way to ease tension unless they just sort of let it go.

    #311173

    Milo
    Participant

    My dad supported me financially until the age of  24  until i got out of college and got a job, also he is an emotionally hardened person over  the course of 24 years of living with him, i rarely seen him smiles or laughs, and when ever he does laugh he laughing of someone’s status in society,  he held high position in his teaching fields as a head of the department, so i’m guessing that might be the bi-product of his egotistical behavior, but i had made peace with his stubborn non-open behavior long time ago, and came to terms that some things in life cannot be changed. He is a rational person when sober but becomes mentally unstable when he’s drunk, so you can tell by this my upbringing around him wasn’t quite normal like rest of the kids, i don’t consider it as a bad thing, as  many unfortunate others wouldn’t have gotten the facilities that i had got since i was a kid. He always likes to bring out my flaws when he is drunk like me taking an extra year to complete my degree, which explains why he had to support me for  an extra year so that i clear all the failed ones, which i regret for a while in my life. I had paid all my debts that i owe to him like my college fees once i got my job. Next year i’ll be done paying up all the fees that he has paid me for my schooling which is kind of a relief. Even at the age of 70 he make 4 times  more money than me, he sometimes asks me to deposit amount to his bank account i would do it gladly sometimes, after giving away money, to feel relived as i feel that i had done right by doing my dharma, So i’m in a way am supporting him by sending him money when ever he asks. I’m not much of a spender or a out door person, i don’t like living a expensive life style or spending irresponsibly so money is not a problem for me. My father side of the family is kind of weird, they always severely competed with each other , like whenever an sibling made more money  than the others, others used to get really annoyed and frustrated by that sibling, so i haven’t made any kind of long lasting bonds with them, and i tend to stay out of their toxic culture. But now i have other question after talking about all of this ” Do most families operate this way ?”. And to answer why i don’t do any last wishes of the dead because they are dead and what ever they want won’t matter especially when their wishes are as mundane as distribute  ashes into some river XD

    #311279

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Milo:

    “how do I address this situation when they ask me about this, what can I say to defuse the tension?”-

    -best if you are not in any situation at all, not with your father, not with his side of the family and not with your sister who screamed at you. Reads like nothing is connecting you to your father, in other words, there is no connection except for money, which is what your father and his siblings value more than anything, money and prestige- am I understanding correctly?

    I see no reason for you to feel any obligation toward the people  you mentioned. It is long ago that you gave up on a close relationship with any of them, long ago when you realized that such is impossible.

    The question in my mind, is how do you get to have a connection with someone else, a person not in your family- how do you get to ever hope for closeness with someone else, a future partner in life, perhaps. You are correct for having given up on a close relationship with your father, for  one. But a close relationship for you is possible outside your family.

    Back to your question: separate yourself from all of them, practically speaking or, if you choose to be in contact, and can bear it, make it honest and minimal. Regarding you  not visiting the hospital, say: I don’t feel connected to him, this is why I didn’t visit.

    anita

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