Home→Forums→Relationships→Friend/Lover of a year:Ghosting
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Laurie.
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October 14, 2018 at 5:55 pm #230993
LaurieParticipantWhat’s the point of posting on a forum if I am annoying people with questions of why. Geez.
October 15, 2018 at 6:33 am #231085
AnonymousGuestDear Laurie:
His recent communication was: “hope you are doing well!…not a day goes by.. believe me… if you know what I mean. It was just too hot at home to reach out.. Wish I had you”
He also told you that he was happy you answered his text, that you are a wonderful woman and person, that you deserve the best, that he is sorry for having been a wimp, and he asked you if you are okay and if you moved. He told you that he still owns and treasures the rifle, but will give it back to you if you want it, as well as the binoculars.
My understanding of his part of the communication, including the fact he sent it at 1 am, is the following: I think he is not well. I think his life is a mess. And he wants you back in it. He communicates with you in such hours (second time) because either he is suffers from insomnia, or his wife falls asleep right before 1 am and he is able to have some privacy then, not before. You shared that his wife has a drug problem. Maybe he does too, to some extent.
By if-you-know-what-I-mean, I think that he had a thought or an image in his brain at that moment that he was referring to, assuming, sort of, that you can see that thought and image. People do that often, forget to mention what it is they think and continue to talk as if you know what they are referring to.
In summary, I think his life is a mess and he wants you back in it. What do you think?
anita
October 15, 2018 at 8:52 am #231133LaurieParticipantThe reason he texts at that hour is because a lot of times on the weekends, or even sometimes during the week, especially during hunting season, a lot of the men down in that part of the state I live in go to/hang out at ranches. He goes out to his friend’s ranch to escape his home life. A lot of men do the same thing down there. It is part of the culture. They hunt, then go back to the ranch house to BBQ & drink. He has his own room there. It’s a huge ranch. He has been doing that for years. He told me that when he goes to the ranch, its his ultimate escape away from his home life. It is weird, though. He hasn’t tried contacting me during the day, like he used to. He used to call me all the time when he was at work. These latest texts were just a way for him to see if I am still mad. I don’t know if he wants to start up the affair again, but he is the type of guy that worries what people think of him. I think the last time he texted me last month, and I didn’t respond, it made him want to try texting me again to see if I would respond. He doesn’t want me to be upset with him. He was just drunk and probably thinking about all the fun times we had. I have no doubt he misses certain aspects of the affair we had, but I was a bit cold with him. I ended the texting abruptly by saying, “I know its late, so take care of yourself.”
Another possibility is that he was drunk & horny and remembered all the hot times we used to have, including sexting & facetime stuff. He probably wanted to try to see how I would respond when he said he wished he had me. If he really wanted me back, he would try reaching out during normal hours, not when he is drunk & by himself in his room at the ranch.
He probably does still think about me, but not enough to do anything about it. Oh, and by the way, his wife does has a severe drug problem, but he is willing to put up with it. She is addicted to Xanax & marijuana, drinks with these substances and also loves coke. She sits around all day long, playing on Facebook, keeps the house in shambles, does no grocery shopping or much of anything else, except on weekends, she gets dressed up, and he takes her to fancy restaurants, goes to parties and acts like nothing. He enables this behavior by taking her to expensive restaurants, and not only works, but has to do the shopping and 9 times out of 10, cooks dinner for them as well. She cooks only when he tells her too. He gets annoyed with this behavior, but isn’t willing to do anything about it, and even supports her by giving her money, buying her things and going to social events with her. She bosses him around, and has even threatened him that she will turn the kids against him if he ever tries to divorce her. His family cannot stand her, but he usually ends up getting mad at them for hating her. She also with holds sex a lot. I know her and have known her for years. He isn’t making any of it up. For years before our affair, I often wondered why/how a guy like him ended up with a woman like that. She was actually married with a baby when he met her. Her husband was in prison at the time. He told me his family was horrified when he got with her, but he always defended her, and is still doing so. Anyway….as much as a snake as weakling as I think he is, it gave me boost of confidence to know that he can never have me again, even if he begged. I know he is miserable, and feeling frustrated, and yes, probably thinks about me all the time, or as he put it, “not a day goes by.” Well, the shoe is on the other foot. All I have to do is read my old posts whenever I was suffering with not knowing, and crying with frustration at how he coldly dumped me. Lile that saying, “don’t know what ya got, till it’s gone!” Let me squirm a little!
Maybe he only trying to reach out because he is miserable and wanted a little late night action on the phone. He misses the sex, not anything else. I haven’t a clue!
October 15, 2018 at 8:55 am #231137LaurieParticipantExcuse the typos above!
October 15, 2018 at 9:08 am #231141AnonymousGuestDear Laurie:
Reading your recent post I remembered that you did bring up the possibility after his text a month ago or so, that he was drunk. His ranch lifestyle is interesting, giving a different context to him texting you late at night. Nonetheless, reads to me that I was correct about his life being (still) a mess. And likely to continue to be a mess. His relationship with his wife and his home life reads terrible!
I have a better understanding, following reading your recent post, of his attitude and relationship with money, a thoughtless and irresponsible.
I don’t know why he stays in his marriage, but sense and sensibility are not a requirement in relationships/ marriages. Many make no sense at all, not a logical sense. What a shame that is.
anita
October 15, 2018 at 10:25 am #231163LaurieParticipantAnita, him & I talked about the possibility of him divorcing her all the time. He went to go see an attorney even, who stupidly told him that she would most likely get custody of his children, and that it would end up costing him everything. The attorney also advised for him to just stay for the sake of the kids, that if he didn’t have any money, that he might as well stay. He also was always worried about splitting up the family, because his kids would have emotional problems from it, and that they have cried & begged him not to leave their mother, because she is helpless & child-like herself. She has no life skills, and is actually illiterate. She barely has the ability to spell. I think he feels a deep obligation towards her. Almost like she is third child. He used to tell me all the time that if he didn’t have kids, he would’ve left a long time ago. He is always having financial problems, because of his irresponsibility with money. Instead of paying bills, he takes her to expensive restaurants, because she likes to keep up appearances in the society down there.
Ya know, it reminds me of something he used to tell me all the time. He used to tell me that when he was with me, he was making better decisions in his life, paying his bills on time, and most importantly, not letting her bully him any longer. He also used to tell me that he was taking better care of himself, working out and not drinking as much. He said, “you’re such a good influence on me.”
For the life of me, I cannot figure out why he would leave someone like me, who was generous, supportive, helpful and treated him like a king for someone who is so utterly dysfunctional. The longevity of his marriage & the fact that she is the mother of his kids I guess outweighs all else. Maybe he isn’t as miserable as he lets on, because he is used to it. I also think maybe he started getting annoyed when I was talking bad about her. He is the only one who can talk bad about her, but if anyone else did it, he would get upset.
Do you think he misses me?
October 15, 2018 at 10:48 am #231173AnonymousGuestDear Laurie;
I think he does miss you and that is why he texted you late at night. From what you shared otherwise, yes, I think he does. I also think he is very dysfunctional as so many men are in the context of their marriages. It is so common, for example, for men to complain about their wives but not like it if the person listening agrees with them. So very common.
“He also was always worried about splitting up the family, because his kids would have emotional problems from it”. I am afraid that ship has sailed. His children already have serious emotional problems, got to, reading about the home they live in, the dysfunctional mother, and unfortunately their dysfunctional father as well.
If he was functional, he would have left her and make a better life for himself away from her, so to provide a healthier home for his children, a refuge from being with their mother. But instead he chooses to stay with her while there is no benefit to it. Again, not an uncommon situation.
I recently came up with the term humanity-in-captivity. People (as I did) do live in captivity, kept captive by other people, by incorrect beliefs, misunderstanding reality.
anita
October 15, 2018 at 10:52 am #231175
MichelleParticipantI’m going to write a response … but you probably aren’t going to like it. I do hope, however, that is provides a sense of what this looks like from the outside.
I feel a part of you is getting your self-esteem from this interaction with him and that is unhealthy. That is why you haven’t blocked his number and still reply to his communication. It is feeding something within you, even though by all accounts the guy is a piece of crap. Why haven’t you blocked him? Why invite this drama and disrespect into your life? You will never move on, caught continuously between thinking maybe—just maybe—he will leave his wife now … but he won’t. Don’t fool yourself. He’s having his cake and eating it too. Let this continue and you will be strung along for months/years with nothing to show for it at the end of the day.
You write a lot of negative comments about his wife but … that IS his wife and you are a mistress. Fact. And it probably isn’t going to change. He is choosing her. You are a convenience (both with sex and, previously, money). Don’t you think you are worth more than that? Forget focusing on this relationship, you need to learn to love yourself.
I read your recent posts and I feel sad because no one should live like this. This is consuming your mind and thoughts and causing you to react poorly. Why trash the wife? You should be trashing him!!!
October 15, 2018 at 11:13 am #231181LaurieParticipantTake it easy, Michelle. I was giving that lady Anita the background on his situation. Furthermore, you don’t need to rub shit in my face, I’m already fucked up as it is.
October 15, 2018 at 11:34 am #231185MichelleParticipantI apologize if it seemed that way. My intention was not to rub anything in your face.
I do feel as though you aren’t listening to advice you are being given though, which was the purpose of sharing your story on the forum. By making poor decisions, you will continue to have poor outcomes (and be caught up in this mess when you really should be focused on moving on). It would seem that you want validation that he wants you. That he loves you and will leave his wife for you. No stranger on the internet can answer this, only him. We are basing our responses on personal experience. He is not going to leave her. He has had opportunity to do that and has failed to. You need to move on. His midnight messages are nothing but manipulation on both you and the wife.
I would also suggest professional counselling for what brought you to this place in life. I feel you don’t love yourself and you aren’t valuing your worth. That is a bigger issue that I would focus on beyond this “man” and the problems he brings into your life.
But you need to be open to reflection and what it might open in your life.
Take care
October 15, 2018 at 11:56 am #231193AnonymousGuestDear Laurie:
You are welcome to reply to my recent post to you, if you want. I will be glad to communicate with you further.
anita
October 15, 2018 at 12:16 pm #231207LaurieParticipantThank you, Anita. I can understand that I come across as pathetic, and an idiot, but I thought this was a place to vent without being judged so harshly. I didn’t appreciate that woman telling me that I am the mistress, even though its the truth. I don’t think a lot of people realize that I was so damned damaged when this guy started calling me. I was addicted to the attention, and the passion, which I hadn’t felt in a long time. Also, I suffered with abandonment issues stemming from what my boyfriend had done. If I was mentally healthy & strong enough to resist the communications from my ex married lover, I wouldn’t even be posting on here in the first place. I wish everyone could know that I never initiated anything with a married man. He was separated when we got involved, and I thought was going to get a divorce. We live four hours apart too. How was I supposed to know what he was up to? If I had a healthy self esteem, I wouldn’t have ever gotten involved with someone so dysfunctional. I will admit, I cried a bit after reading what that Michelle woman wrote. That was mean, and at this point in time, do I really deserve anymore meaness from people? I wish that asshole hadn’t ever contacted me, to be honest. I was trying to put it behind me. Look how I hadn’t posted anything in months until he sent that weird text last month. Maybe me not blocking him was a way to see if he’d ever reach out. It’s easy to tell someone to do the right thing, but aren’t humans flawed?
Michelle was right. I was getting my self esteem from him. After being abandoned after 14 years, and not having any kind of passion in my life, it felt good to talk to him and to get attention. Why is that so hard for people to understand?
October 15, 2018 at 1:13 pm #231215AnonymousGuestDear Laurie:
You don’t come across as pathetic to me, as one to look down at and pity, no not at all. I feel empathy for you, that is all. I can feel your hurt and your anger and I know where anger comes from. Lots of anger means lots of hurt. I felt these too, intensely, both hurt and anger.
I know you got involved with him while he was separated, living apart from his wife. And I know that we all need loving attention and when we don’t get it properly, according to how things should be in a perfect world, we will take it any which way, when desperate enough. I did.
I will very soon be away from the computer for the next 15 hours. I will be back to your thread when I am back and reply further. I you want to add anything, post anything so that I can read it with tomorrow morning’s fresh brain, please do.
anita
October 16, 2018 at 4:16 am #231281LaurieParticipantI guess I will be shutting down this conversation. I don’t have much to add. I will try heeding the advice I read about. You know, I would’ve rather NOT heard back from him. I was starting to heal after months of him ghosting, and really started feeling better, but then, he starts this reappearance bullshit. Oh, and if people are thinking I should’ve blocked him, yes, maybe I should’ve. Maybe me keeping the line unblocked, I was hoping deep down that I would receive an apology, which I have way did finally. Closure is closure, even if its from an inconsiderate savage.
October 16, 2018 at 4:17 am #231283LaurieParticipantSorry for the typos again. I’m doing this on a phone….
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