Dear Laurie – I totally understand your pain. I know your feelings of betrayal and feeling used. I’ve been there too. I do not know why people do this, although the longer I get from my own experience with this, the more I realize that I will never get answers beyond the fact that some people are jerks with no remorse or regard for anyone but themselves. That is a harsh truth.

You start by saying “against my better judgement”. I feel that your intuition was warning you of something in the beginning that you chose to not listen to. It might be worth it to revisit this and review the red flags you saw there. Sometimes we need direction beyond our heart.

You have been very generous with him and I feel that has to stop. Get him OFF your bank account. The other money you loaned him may be a wash but you need to ensure he has no access to other funds. I would also avoid emailing him. You have sent him a message and placed the ball in his court. Let him initiate. In the meantime, I know it’s going to hurt for awhile. Its been over a year for me and I still question the truth surrounding one of my relationships. I just let it be. I let my mind wander but I also try to engage it with new stimuli. This will take awhile but keep that focus on yourself.

Dear Laurie:

Did I understand correctly, that your last message to him was: “I am so sorry to hear what you’re going thru… As with anything in life, you had to do what you had to do. I wish you nothing but the very best in life!” – was that your  last communication to him?

If it was, then it reads to me that you communicated to him that there is a break between the two of you, that you are okay with it and wishing him “nothing but the very best in life”, a life without you, that is.

And so, I wonder if there is a miscommunication here, him understanding incorrectly, based on that message, that you are not expecting him to contact you?

anita

Dear Laurie:

I will read all of your recent post when I am back to the computer in about sixteen hours and reply then. If you have more thoughts on the matter, thoughts coming to you after your most recent post, please do add them.

Maybe other members will respond before I am back.

Please take good care of yourself.

anita

Dear Laurie:

He wrote to you: “I had an upsetting… discussion.. I’m working at the house, getting my paperwork for other jobs I had lined up. I also left my work truck back there at the job site.. I will be in touch with you as soon as I get my mind .. in place”.

Your response to him was: “..I understood what you were trying to convey… you have to do what you have to do. With all sincerity, I truly hope everything will work out for you!”

What he told you was that he had an argument at work, is currently looking for another job, and that he is too uncomfortable (?) to get his truck from the job site even though he needs it. You responded telling him that you understand his situation. But you did not understand his situation. You didn’t ask him questions, like why is he not getting his truck from the work site? And you didn’t ask him questions about his new job search. You wished him well in a general kind of way, “truly hope everything will work out for you!”

Your response to him is such that if I was in his place, reading it, I would think that you are okay with him taking his time to get his mind clear and calm.

In your notes to me you listed your many questions: “Was he trying to tell me he was breaking up with me..?” It doesn’t read to me like a break up email, not at all, not to me.

“Did I respond like I was cool with it?”- you responded like you were cool with him taking his time away from you until his mind is clear and calm.

You wrote that you can’t believe he didn’t write you back. Your last note to him communicated that following his need to take his alone time, you are stepping back and letting him have his alone time. There was no request or invitation in your last note to him for a response from him.

You wrote that you offered to give him space many times before and he refused your offer. Well, reads to me that this time, he suggested it himself and you responded by willingly giving him that time, thanking him and expressing “with all sincerity” and “truly” that you are okay with him taking his time and space.

You wrote: “he has to  know that I am extremely upset about him not calling”-  I don’t know if he knows. Based on your last note to him, you didn’t reveal any upset whatsoever. On the contrary, you revealed being perfectly okay with him taking his time and space.

I don’t know if indeed he wants a breakup, if he entertained that idea when he sent you that email or if he is entertaining the idea now. I don’t see evidence to it. The fact that he didn’t close your shared bank account is an indication, I am thinking, that he has not ended the relationship with you.

What I would do if I was you, being so troubled not knowing what is going on, is to reach out to him for information. Ask him a few questions, for the purpose of getting the information you need, to understand his situation (is he looking still for work, has he terminated his recent employment for good, did he get his truck back, how is he feeling…)

anita

Dear Laurie:

You suspect he lied to you. Did he lie before?

Better find out what is going on as soon as possible because it is hurting you to not know, so that you can feel better and function better at work and otherwise.

Is your intent to continue waiting or to initiate contact and ask him what you need to know, asking him in such a way that will increase your chances of getting answers,  honest answers.

anita

Dear Laurie:

I don’t understand: what evidence do you have that he lied, that is, that he did not have an argument at work, that he is not looking for new jobs, that he left his truck at the work site (at least at one point) and that he is distressed?

anita