Wow, a thousand thank yous for replying…Wow. Did not anticipate anyone would reply!

Before I answer your question: I’ve read a thousand articles that address how to deal with my self-hate. Self-affirmations, working out, gratitude journals, etc…have not worked. The lack of success in my life definitely contributes. Before I take on any challenging task in my profession, I have to spend hours fighting my self-hate before I can proceed with tackling the challenge. And, most of the time, the self-hate wins and I never achieve my goals. I’ve read “You can change your life” by Louise Hay…a well-recognized resource for self-love. No change. That’s why I’m hoping this 365 book may help…? Maybe, my failure stems from the fact of including the exercises for self-love in my daily habits…? There certainly is not any direct activity in my daily habits that address this issue. I need to find a plan and execute to achieve this goal…at least I think I need too…thoughts?

Yes, my parents were very religious. I was prohibited from doing many things in my childhood for the sake of being a child of faith. These included: not attending any activity involving dance; no extra-curricular activities, especially if they interfered with church activities; no movies…I think you get the idea. Things have certainly changed since those years. My sister rejected their teachings and still blames them to this day. I was obedient and followed their wishes. Believe me…this issue has definitely been addressed with them. I know, this is definitely something that has contributed to what I currently experience. But, I still love them…I know it’s not their fault as they did the best they could under the limited knowledge they had at the time.

However, even to this day, I have not gained independence from their approval or insights. Often, I lean on them when going through difficult circumstances, rather than being a man and dealing with the issues myself. These circumstances include my ability to comprehend my career and gain competency in my chosen field, rely on them to help in decision on retaining or looking for new work, approval of my girlfriends and comfort for when a relationship ended, (although I’ve never had to ask) if it came to the point where I needed assistance for money…they would help, crying to them for help when my depression is so difficult (I consider them the only friends I have to help me through this depression), and seeking their input (maybe even their approval) before I make any major decisions in my life.

Many blessings to you for taking the time to respond!

I didn’t see my reply come through…so I will type my response again…sorry if it comes through twice by mistake.

Yes, I typically return to the same groups…many of them specific to my religion. I definitely see your point on trying to change the spiral in the upward direction.

I wanted to share this thought, as maybe you can relate. When I am in a new group of people, or am meeting someone for the first time…that is when I am most confident. That’s when the “I’m stupid” sign is not yet over my head. The problem lies in when the relationship extends beyond the first couple of meetings. I soon realize that my initial confidence was really a thin veneer. When that wears away, my true self is exposed…and people are put off by what they see. I then install the “I’m stupid sign.” The person then sees that I truly lack self-love and self-confidence…and really lack in knowledge on the topic that initially brought us together in the first place. As a relationship develops, I get more and more nervous…because I think they will see me for how I really am…a fraud. Any thoughts?

Thank you so much for your response! Many blessing to you for taking time to respond!

That I’m outgoing and confident: but I’m not.
That I’m a CPA: but I’m really lost in my career choice and don’t have the skills necessary
That I’m mentally capable of handling a relationship: but I suffer from severe depression and anxiety
That I’m a good person: but focus on myself too much
That I’m happy with my life: but really not
That I’m confident in the direction I chose in my life: but I’m 37 and still don’t know
That I’m going to survive this life: but really think I’m going to end up homeless with no money
That I am social: but really have no friends
That I love the Buffalo Bills and am a huge fan: but could only tell you the names of players that I can count on one hand
Side note: Being a Buffalo Bills fan is certainly cause for depression all by itself…lol… 🙂
That I’m physically fit: but am really awkward at any sport I try to pick up
That I love music: but have not excelled at any instrument, nor could I come up with the name of any song or composer that I am listening to…and once a person finds out that I like music, but lack the knowledge base…no longer do they find me interesting…

Does that make sense?

To everyone – I am overwhelmed at the responses. Thank you!

Anita – I just need to clarify something to make sure I’m following you. Is another way to say what you shared as follows?: Remove trying to give the perception that I am somebody that I am not? To stop ‘faking it until I make it’?

If so, am I then defined by all the negative attributes that I listed after each fraudulent statement? Or, am I a clean slate (like Nina stated: “take away the external stuff and all you have is you”) that chooses to be something that I really am, so I can confidently say “I am what I am, and that is no lie”? That being said, I no longer have the burden of living up to the perceptions I generate and transmit to others. I have to admit, I always do feel overwhelmed. However, if I take away all the layers, I guess a lot of weight would fall off of my shoulders…

The only thing that concerns me about peeling off the “fraud” is that I have always been told to be positive and upbeat around everyone and never show that I am in pain or struggling. That pain or struggling has turned many people away. I’d like to dummy this down to a simple example. If I take the fraud away, and I am struggling…when I see a member of our church walk in and say hello, and they ask me how I am…do I lie and say that “I’m good and I’m happy to see you”…or do I change and say “I’m still struggling with myself, but thanks for asking”?

Thank you!