Funny, I’ve been thinking about learning some dancing…I love music, but feel so awkward when I attempt to dance to the beat…

If you want a activity where you get to practice learning not to take yourself too seriously and self acceptance – ballroom dancing.
Everyone starts out awkward but then if you persevere one day you realize your body always new how to dance.. it was always only the mind getting in the way. And isn’t that true of most of the things we do especially with regards to relationships?

🙂

Hey Russ,
First off I think one of the misconceptions you have is that you’re unique. That only you have these self esteem issues, and thoughts of worthlessness. When you look at other people you think they have their stuff together. They’re smart and confident and yada yada yada. Guess what? You’re wrong. EVERYBODY is insecure. Everybody hates themselves to some degree. The self help industry makes BILLIONS OF DOLLARS a year! BILLIONS! That’s not just a few people buying these books and going to therapy. That’s millions of people. So lighten up Russ. There’s nothing wrong with you. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE is imperfect and messed up. I say embrace your imperfection. That’s what makes you you. A great exercise that I think would really help you out is embracing your shadow. For a more in depth look at this I highly recommend reading the book “The Tools” by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels who are two therapists to big hollywood stars. What you do is take all the stuff you are hiding from other people, the stuff you don’t want people to know about you. All the stuff you hate about yourself. This is your shadow and we all have one. The problem is we are constantly trying to hide this part of ourself from others and are paranoid if people see it. Try to imagine what this shadow looks like to you. How you think others see you. For me it’s a super old, skinny, balding, weak, stupid, ugly, insecure awkward little man who constantly slouches. He’s also like five inches shorter than me. This isn’t what I actually look like but for some reason this is who I see myself becoming. And when people talk to me I think they’re seeing this person too. Normally we try to hide this weird, stupid person from others. But instead, look at it and create a LOVING BOND with it. Truly LOVE this part of yourself. Warts and all. Constantly visualize this shadow and smile and offer it love. When you are talking to people, or whatever, sense this shadow and feel this bond with it than feel the power of it becoming one with you. Not caring what people think about you. You love your shadow. This does wonders and you’ll sense this crazy power you’ve never had before. I did this in an intimidating job interview and it was insane! I basically took over. I became another person. The employer said he had never had an interview like that and offered me the job on the spot. Try it Russ. You’ll love it.

Dear needsomehelp,

I suggest you simply start 1 thing, whatever it could be and do it for next couple of months. Do something that requires your attention, makes you feel like you are doing something useful for yourself. You don’t need to make 40 big changes – work on 1 specific habit and really do it consistently, properly. Be really present and stick to it.

Make a note of the important points you have gathered here and think in narrow, short term of you what you do for tangible changes and the bigger, core issues that need deeper introspection such as your self image issues, your feelings of feeling doom about a future that hasn’t even happened. Understand your own anxiety better and start questioning your assumptions. Write down possible strategies and see what works for you.

I had started this process with an excel document when I was a bit better during a major depression phase with bucket loads of life long negativity. It’s been about a few years since that process started but I am making progress. I tried a number of strategies, took feedback from trusted people to cope better.

Taking blame isn’t admirable. There is a difference between blaming oneself and taking responsibility. The former is self defeating, the latter is empowering and action oriented.

I noticed every year I made similiar resolutions to be like this and that and then feel better about me. Oddly though, all I really needed was to fix my way of dealing with things and how I perceived myself and situations.

There is a long way to go but surely it can be done with right mind and effort.

Regards
Nina

T

Hey Russ,
Yes the book goes into detail about the shadow. The book has 5 tools to use and one of them is embracing your shadow. I think they call it inner authority. Definitely check it out. You can google “shadow Phil Stutz” and a bunch of interviews will come up about it if you want a little more info before getting the book. The other tools are even better and work really well with the shadow concept. As for my interview experience? I had this incredible confidence. We connected on a deeper level. He told me about his divorce and was still feeling the pain of it. He can see I wasn’t full of the “right” answers just trying to get a job. As a matter of fact he asked me some questions that stumped me. I looked him straight in the eye and told him I didn’t know. He felt my honesty. Than the interview went in the other direction. I felt I was the one interviewing him. After I told him everything I could do for his company I had him explain to me why would I want to work with him? He spent the next hour trying to persuade me to work for his company. By the way, I ended up declining his offer. I took another job making literally twice as much as he was willing to pay. Yeah, that’s the power of the shadow.